Joke of the day

[Godric]

Contact Lens


The teenager lost a contact lens while playing basketball in his driveway. After a fruitless search, he told his mother the lens was nowhere to be found.


Undaunted, she went outside and in a few minutes, returned with the lens in her hand.


"How did you manage to find it, Mom?" the teenager asked.


"We weren't looking for the same thing," she replied.


"You were looking for a small piece of plastic. I was looking for $150."


Arriving Late


A certain professor arrived late for a lecture to find a most uncomplimentary drawing of himself on the blackboard.


Fuming, he asked the class joker in the front row, "Who, pray, was responsible for this atrocity?"


The joker won tremendous prestige with his reply, "I really don't know, but I strongly suspect its parents."

[Duke of Buckingham]

When asked the secret of his long life, the elderly gentleman smiled knowingly and said he sprinkled a little gunpowder on his oatmeal every morning.
The young man listening decided to follow that practice and every morning, he added a teaspoon of gunpowder to his oatmeal.

He lived to the age of 93. When he died, he left 12 children, 24 grandchildren, 36-great-grandchildren, and a 12-foot hole in the wall of the crematorium.

[Godric]

Importance of a name




Peter decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. They loaded up Peter's station wagon and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. They pulled into a nearby farm house and asked the attractive lady of the house if they could spend the night.


"I'm recently widowed," she explained, "and I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house."


"Not to worry," Peter said, "we'll be happy to sleep in the barn."


Nine months later, Peter got a letter from the widow's attorney. He then went up to visit his friend Bob and said, "Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow at the farm we stayed at?"


"Yes, I do."


"Did you happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and have sex with her?"


"Yes, I have to admit that I did."


"Did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your name?"


Bob's face turned red and he said, "Yeah, I'm afraid I did."


"Well, thanks! She just died and left me everything!"

[Godric]

A beautiful woman goes to her dentist for the first time in years. After
poking around in her mouth for awhile, he says, "I'm sorry, Mrs. Jones, but it
looks like you need to have a complete root canal."


She winces and says, "Ugh, I think I'd rather have another baby."


He says, "Well, OK, but I'm going to have to adjust the chair."

[Duke of Buckingham]

Nice one Godric.

[Godric]

Little 'Kids'


Little Johnny and Jenny are only 10 years old, but they just know that they are in love. One day they decide that they want to get married, so Johnny goes to Jenny's father to ask him for her hand.


Johnny bravely walks up to him and says "Mr. Smith, me and Jenny are in love and I want to ask you for her hand in marriage." Thinking that this was the cutest thing, Mr. Smith replies, "Well Johnny, you are only 10. Where will you two live?" Without even taking a moment to think about it, Johnny replies "In Jenny's room. It's bigger than mine and we can both fit there nicely." Still thinking this is just adorable, Mr. Smith says with a huge grin, "Okay then how will you live? You're not old enough to get a job. You'll need to support Jenny." Again, Johnny instantly replies, "Our allowance.. Jenny makes 5 bucks a week and I make 10 bucks a week. That's about 60 bucks a month, and that should do us just fine."


By this time Mr. Smith is a little shocked that Johnny has put so much thought into this. So, he thinks for a moment trying to come up with something that Johnny won't have an answer to. After a second, Mr. Smith says, "Well Johnny, it seems like you have got everything all figured out. I just have one more question for you. What will you do if the two of you should have little ones of your own?" Johnny just shrugs his shoulders and says "Well, we've been lucky so far..."

Nice one Godric.

teehee, thanks buddy!!!

[Godric]

20 years
________


A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband is not in bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee.


He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye. "What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room. "Why are you down here at this time of night?"


The husband looks up from his coffee. "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 16?" he asks solemnly. "Yes, I do," she replies.


"Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car ?" "Yes, I remember," says the wife. "Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for twenty years!" "I remember that, too," she replies softly. The husband wipes another tear from his cheek... "I'm a freeman now!

[Godric]

Wrong Thing


An American soldier, serving in World War II, had just returned from several weeks of intense action on the German front lines. He had finally been granted R&R and was on a train bound for London.


The train was very crowded, so the soldier walked the length of the train, looking for an empty seat. The only unoccupied seat was directly adjacent to a well dressed middle aged lady and was being used by her little dog. The war weary soldier asked, "Please, ma'am, may I sit in that seat?" The English woman looked down her nose at the soldier, sniffed and said, "You Americans. You are such a rude class of people. Can't you see my little Fifi is using that seat?"


The soldier walked away, determined to find a place to rest, but after another trip down to the end of the train, found himself again facing the woman with the dog. Again he asked, "Please, lady. May I sit there? I'm very tired." The English woman wrinkled her nose and snorted, "You Americans! Not only are you rude, you are also arrogant. Imagine!"


The soldier didn't say anything else. He leaned over, picked up the little dog, tossed it out the window of the train and sat down in the empty seat. The woman shrieked and demanded that someone defend her and chastise the soldier. An English gentleman sitting across the aisle spoke up, "You know, sir, you Americans do seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You eat holding the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road.


And now, sir, you've thrown the wrong b!tch out of the window."

[Godric]

Lost Ball


A man staggers into an emergency room with two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat. Naturally the doctor asks him what happened.
Well, it was like this, said the man. I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when she sliced her ball into a pasture of cows.


We went to look for it, and while I was rooting around I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end. I walked over and lifted up the tail, and sure enough, there was my wife's golf ball........stuck right in the middle of the cow's butt. That's when I made my mistake.


"What did you do?" asks the doctor.


Well, I lifted the tail and yelled to my wife,
"Hey, this looks like yours!"

[Godric]

Gambler


During the Great Depression, there was a man who walked into a bar one day. He went up to the bartender and said, "Bartender, I'd like to buy the house a round of drinks."


The bartender said, "That's fine, but we're in the middle of the Depression, so I'll need to see some money first."


The guy pulled out a huge wad of bills and set them on the bar. The bartender can't believe what he's seeing. "Where did you get all that money?" asked the bartender.


"I'm a professional gambler," replied the man.


The bartender said, "There's no such thing! I mean, your odds are fifty-fifty at best, right?"


"Well, I only bet on sure things," said the guy.


"Like what?" asked the bartender.


"Well, for example, I'll bet you fifty dollars that I can bite my right eye," he said.


The bartender thought about it. "Okay," he said.


So, the guy pulled out his false right eye and bit it. "Aw, you screwed me," said the bartender, and paid the guy his $50.


"I'll give you another chance. I'll bet you another fifty dollars that I can bite my left eye," said the stranger.


The bartender thought again and said, "Well, I know you're not blind, I mean, I watched you walk in here. I'll take that bet." So, the guy pulled out his false teeth and bit his left eye.


"Aw, you screwed me again!" protested the bartender.


"That's how I win so much money, bartender. I'll just take a bottle of your best scotch in lieu of the fifty dollars," said the man.


With that, the guy went to the back room and spent the better part of the night playing cards with some of the locals. After many hours of drinking and card playing, he stumbled up to the bar. Drunk as a skunk, he said, "Bartender, I'll give you one last chance. I'll bet you five hundred dollars that I can stand on this bar on one foot and piss into that whiskey bottle on that shelf behind you without spilling a drop."


The bartender once again pondered the bet. The guy couldn't even stand up straight on two feet, much less one. "Okay, you're on," he said.


The guy climbed up on the bar, stood on one leg, and began pissing all over the place. He hit the bar, the bartender, himself, but not a drop made it into the whiskey bottle.


The bartender was ecstatic. Laughing, the bartender said, "Hey pal, you owe me five hundred dollars!"


The guy climbed down off the bar and said, "That's okay. I just bet each of the guys in the card room a thousand bucks each that I could piss all over you and the bar and still make you laugh!"