Joke of the day

[Godric]

Wisdom of age


An elderly man in North Carolina had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back, fixed up really nice, along with some picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees. The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was built.


One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.


As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. When he came closer, he realized it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end to shield themselves.


One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"


The old man frowned and replied, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked." Holding the bucket up he said, "I'm here to feed the alligators."

[Godric]

Be Strong!

A man escapes from a prison where he had been kept for 15 years.

As he runs away, he finds a house and breaks into it, looking for money and guns, but only finds a young couple in bed.

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him up in a chair. While tying the girl up to the bed, he gets on top of her, kisses her on the neck, then gets up, and goes to the bathroom.

While he's in there, the husband tells his wife, "Listen, this guy is an escaped prisoner, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail, and hasn't seen a woman in years.

I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, just do what he tells you, just give him satisfaction.

This guy must be dangerous, if he gets angry, he'll kill us.
Be strong, honey. I love you."

To which the wife responds, "He was not kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear.

He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked if we kept any Vaseline in the bathroom.

Be strong, honey, I love you, too."

[Godric]

'Sex' Pistol

A man was having problems with premature ejaculation so he decided to go to the doctor. He asked the doctor what could he do to cure his problem...

In response the doctor said, "When you feel like you are getting ready to ejaculate try startling yourself". That same day the man went to the store and bought himself a starter pistol. All excited to try this suggestion out he runs home to his wife.

At home his wife is in bed, naked and waiting for her husband. As the two begin, they find themselves in the '69' position. The man, moments later, feels the sudden urge to come and fires the starter pistol.

The next day, the man went back to the doctor. The doctor asked, "How did it go?". The man answered, "Not that well... when I fired the pistol my wife ~love~ on my face, bit 3 inches off my penis and my neighbor came out of the closet naked with his hands in the air!"

[Godric]

Going to Heaven

One day, three men died and went to hell. Satan was there and the three guys asked to be sent to heaven. However, Satan said that only the good people can go to heaven... So he let them give him a question each. If Satan can answer their questions correctly, the person will stay in Hell; but if Satan didn't answer it correctly the person can go to Heaven.

So the first person tries. He was a Mathematician, and he gave Satan a very tough math formula. But Satan solved it in no time. So the mathematician goes to Hell...

The second person, who happens to be a scientist, gave it a try. He asked Satan to prove a very difficult Science question involving quantum theory and Newton's law and whatever sh*t in between. Once again Satan managed to answer correctly, so the man goes to Hell... *haiz*.. *sad*...

The last guy goes forward. He was a ~censored~, so Satan laughed at him. Nonetheless, he asked to be given a chair and an electric drill, and he was given those things. So he drilled five identical holes in a circle in the middle of the chair, sat on the chair and farted.

He asked Satan, "Which hole did I fart through?"

Satan examined the chair and measured the diameter of every hole. He turned the chair in everyway possible. Finally, he said, exasperated, "this hole", pointing to the fifth hole.

"Wrong!!... ha-ha.. I farted through my A55HOLE!!!.... I go to Heaven!!!".....

[Godric]

Foul Mouths


A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following:
"Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time."


"You foul-mouthed sex obsessed swine," retorted the lady indignantly. "In this country.... we don't speak aloud in public places about our sex lives.........


"Hey, Coola down lady," said the man. "Who talkin' abouta sexa? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spella 'Mississippi'."

[Godric]

Farmhouse

A city slicker wanted to buy a farm. He found just what he was looking for. During an inspection of the property, however, he found a hive of bees.

He told the owner that he was deathly afraid of bees, and there was no way he could consider this piece of land.

The landowner assured him that the bees were completely harmless, but the buyer would have no part of it.

Finally, the landowner made an offer. The buyer would allow himself to be tied to a tree for an hour, nude, under the nest. So sure of the friendliness of his bees was the farmer that if ONE bee were to sting him, the farm would be his for free. The buyer thought it over and decided it was worth the risk.

An hour later, the farmer walked out to the tree and saw the poor guy slumped over in his bindings. Fearing the worst, he ran up to him and asked if he had been stung.

The city fella looked up and weakly said, "No... The bees never touched me - but doesn't that calf have a mother!?!"

[Godric]

Stutter?


A man visits the doctor's because he has a severe stuttering problem.
After a thorough examination, the doctor consults with the patient.


Doctor: 'It appears that the reason for your stuttering is that your penis is about six inches too long and it is thus pulling on your vocal cords, and thereby causing you this annoying
Problem of stuttering.


Patient: 'Ddddd octttor . Whhaaat cccan I dddo?'


The doctor scratches his forehead, thinks for a minute and states that there is a procedure where we can free up the strain on the vocal cords by
Removing the six inches from the penis and freeing him from this horrible problem.


The patient stuttering badly states that this problem has caused him so much embarrassment as well as loss of employment that anything would be
Worth it.


The doctor plans for the procedure. The operation is a success and six months later the patient comes in for his check up.


Patient: 'Doctor, the operation was a success. I have not stuttered since the operation. I have a great job and my self esteem is fantastic. However, there is one problem, my wife says that she sort of misses the great sex we used to have before the extra six inches were removed. So I was wondering if it is possible to reattach those six inches'.


The doctor scratches his forehead, thinks for a minute and says:
'I dddoonnnt ttthhhinkkkk thatttt wooould bbbbee possssssibbble'...

[Godric]

Conversation

Two strangers are sitting in an adjacent seats in airplane.

One guy says to the other, "Let's talk. I hear that the flight will go faster if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."

The other guy, who had just opened a good book, closes it slowly, takes off his glasses and asks, "What would you like to discuss?"

The first guy says, "Oh, I don't know; how about nuclear power?"

The other guy says, "OK, that could make for some pretty interesting conversation. But let me ask you a question first:

"A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff, but the deer excretes pellets, the cow, big patties, and the horse, clumps of dried grass. Why is that?"

The first guy says, "I don't know."

The other guy says, "Oh? Well then, do you really think you're qualified to discuss Nuclear Power when you don't know ~love~?"

[Godric]

4 Weeks


A Bible study group was discussing the unforeseen possibility of their sudden death. The leader of the discussion said, " We will all die some day, and none of us really know when, but if we did, we would all do a better job of preparing ourselves for that inevitable event."


"Everybody nodded their heads in agreement with this comment."


Then the leader said to the group, "What would you do if you knew you only had 4 weeks of life remaining before your death, and then the Great Judgment Day?"


A gentleman said, " I would go out into my community and minister the Gospel to those that have not yet accepted the Lord into their lives."


"Very good!", said the group leader, and all the group members agreed, that would be a very good thing to do.


One lady spoke up and said enthusiastically, "I would dedicate all of my remaining time to serving God, my family, my church, and my fellow man with a greater conviction."


"That's wonderful!" the group leader commented, and all the group members agreed, that would be a very good thing to do.


But one gentleman in the back finally spoke up loudly and said, "I would go to my mother-in-laws house for the 4 weeks."


Everyone was puzzled by this answer, and the group leader ask, "Why your mother-in-laws home?"


Then the gentleman smiled sarcastically and said, "Because, that would be the longest 4 weeks of my life!"

[Godric]

Job Application


This is an actual job application a 17 year old boy submitted at a McDonald's fast-food establishment in Florida... And they hired him because he was so honest and funny!


NAME: Greg Bulmash


SEX: Not yet. Still waiting for the right person.


DESIRED POSITION: Company's President or Vice President. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.


DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.


EDUCATION: Yes.


LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.


SALARY: Less than I'm worth.


MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and Post-it notes.


REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.


HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.


PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.


DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.


MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?


DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?: Of what?


DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"


HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearing house Sweepstakes.


DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job no, on my breaks yes.


WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy dumb sexy blonde super model who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.


DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: Yes. Absolutely.


SIGN HERE: Aries.