Joke of the day

[Duke of Buckingham]

[Duke of Buckingham]

[Duke of Buckingham]

YOU KNOW YOU ARE PORTUGUESE IF ...

The day after you got married, your wife's immediate family moved into your house, permanently...

The plastic covering is still on your lamp shades...

Every person you've ever introduced to your husband, has been a relative of yours...

There are two refrigerators in your house. One for regular food, the other strictly for fish, linguiça and chouriço...

There are more than three pictures of The Last Supper hanging in your kitchen...

There is a bullfighter figurine on your coffee table...

You keep fifty bags of concrete in your garage in case of emergency...

Your bikini line begins at your neck and ends at your knees...

You're at the church wearing a lime green, polyester, tuxedo with high-water pants and a purple ruffled shirt and you're not even in the wedding party...

You got sick of mowing the grass every week, so you just paved the entire lawn...

Your 99 year old grandmother wears a heavy, long black dress with a matching shawl at the beach...

Every Sunday morning after Mass, you spend three hours in line at the bakery waiting for fresh bread...

Your car has hundreds of purple sticky splotches all over it from grapes that have fallen off the vine that's growing over your driveway...

Your mom has finally worn out the pair of sandals she's been wearing since 1981, but has 68 brand new pairs just like them in her closet...

You can't find your favorite blanket, because your mom is using it to cover 12 loaves of sweetbread in the kitchen...

You've been drinking red table wine since the age of six, and could out drink your Uncle Carlos by the time you were nine...

Popcorn at the movies? Not when there's plenty of Fried Fava Beans in the house...

Every Sunday when your Uncle Joao drinks too much, he kicks a soccer ball around the yard yelling out, "GOOOOOAAAAAAAL"...

Your kitchen always smells faintly of Cod fish and Comet...

You have more than 10 fruit magnets on the front of your fridge...

The pet rabbit you named "Fluffy" on Monday became dinner on Wednesday...

You were the only eight year old in your Girl Scout Troop who had a fully developed moustache...

There are more saints in your front yard than in your church...

Every time you look down at your dinner plate, there's something with eyeballs staring back at you...

You have more than half dozen plastic saints on your dashboard, a rosary hanging from the rear view mirror and four stuffed doggies with bobbing heads on the rear deck...

You've converted the basement of your house into an apartment for your cousin Fatima who's moving here from San Miguel...

The top of your house is painted "electric blue," the bottom is painted "puke green" and the brick wall out front is a lovely shade of "sickly purple"...

You have at least 14 Uncle Manny's on both sides of the family...

On your first date with a boy, you sat on the sofa, he sat on the sofa and your father sat between you both...

When you were a kid, there were always fights in your house over who got to eat the egg from the sweetbread on Easter...

There's one room in your house where the furniture is completely covered in plastic, the floor is completely covered with plastic runners and YOU ARE NEVER, EVER ALLOWED TO GO IN THERE UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES. NEVER! DO YOU HEAR ME? I SAID NEVER!

Tomorrow: "You know you are American when..."
So don't laugh too much the revenge is coming.

[Duke of Buckingham]

You Know You’re In America When…

A pizza can get to your house faster than an ambulance.

There are handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.

People order double cheese burgers, a large fry, and a diet coke.

Banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.

People leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and leave useless things and junk in boxes in the garage.

People use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won’t miss a call from someone we didn’t want to talk to in the first place.

People sell hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.

People use the word "politics" to describe the process so well: "Poli" in latin meaning "many" and "tics" meaning "blood-sucking creatures."


You think Heinz Ketchup is SPICY!
You've watched the movie "Deliverance" and you're afraid to ever go on a camping trip.
For breakfast, you'd rather have potatoes than grits.
You can name at least 4 hockey teams.
You don't know what a moon pie is.
You've never eaten Okra.
You wonder why people in restaurants don't talk as loud as you do.
You have never planned your summer vacation around a gun-and-knife show.
You don't have any problems pronouncing "Worcestershire sauce" correctly.
You've never had grain alcohol.
You are familiar with all the rules to Lacrosse.
You have no idea what a polecat is.
You don't see anything wrong with putting a sweater on a poodle.
You don't have bangs.

[Duke of Buckingham]

Wife's Last Words

Tina was on her deathbed, with her husband Mike at her side.

He held her cold hand as silent tears streamed down his face.

"Mike," she said weakly.

"Hush my darling," he interrupted, "don't talk, save your strength."

But she insisted, "Mike, before I die, there's something that I have to confess."

"There is nothing to confess," said the weeping husband. "It's all right. Everything's all right."

"No, no. I must die in peace. I must confess that I have been unfaithful to you."

He stroked her hand, "Now, Tina, don't be concerned. I know all about it."

"You do?" she gasped.

"Sure darling, why else would I poison you?"

[Duke of Buckingham]

[Duke of Buckingham]

[Duke of Buckingham]

[Duke of Buckingham]

[Duke of Buckingham]