Joke of the day

[krazy k]

Loyalty is a man thing...

Friendship Between Women:
A woman didn't come home one night. The next day she told her husband that she had slept over at a friend's house. The man called his wife's 10 best friends. None of them knew about it.



Friendship Between Men:
A man didn't come home one night. The next day he told his wife that he had slept over at a friend's house. The woman called her husband's 10 best friends. Eight of them confirmed that he had slept over, and two claimed that he was still there.

[Mike029]

Loyalty is a man thing...

Friendship Between Women:
A woman didn't come home one night. The next day she told her husband that she had slept over at a friend's house. The man called his wife's 10 best friends. None of them knew about it.



Friendship Between Men:
A man didn't come home one night. The next day he told his wife that he had slept over at a friend's house. The woman called her husband's 10 best friends. Eight of them confirmed that he had slept over, and two claimed that he was still there.

Priceless...

[krazy k]

Things I learned living in Oklahoma


1. A possum is a flat animal that sleeps in the middle of the road.

2. There are 5,000 types of snakes and 4,998 of them live in Oklahoma .

3. There are 10,000 types of spiders. All 10,000 of them live in Oklahoma , plus a couple no one's seen before.

4. If it grows, it'll stick ya. If it crawls, it'll bite cha.

5. 'Onced' and 'Twiced' are words.

6. It is not a shopping cart, it is a buggy.

7. 'Jaw-P?' means 'Did ya'll go to the bathroom?'

8. People actually grow and eat okra.

9. 'fixinto' is one word.

10. There is no such thing as 'lunch'. There is only dinner and then there is supper.

11. Iced tea is appropriate for all meals and you start drinking it when you're two. We do like a little tea with our sugar.

12. Backwards and forwards means 'I know everything about you.'

13. The word 'jeet' is actually a phrase meaning 'Did you eat?'.

14. You don't have to wear a watch, because it doesn't matter what time it is, you work until you're done or it's too dark to see.

15. You don't PUSH buttons, you MASH EM.

16. 'No. Jew?' is a common response to the question 'Did you bring any beer?'.

17. You measure distance in minutes.

18. You switch from heat to A/C in the same day.

19. All the festivals across the state are named after a fruit, vegetable, grain, insect or animal.

20. You know what a 'DAWG' is.

21. You carry jumper cables in your car --- for your OWN car.

22. You only own five spices: salt, pepper, Head Country, Tabasco and Ketchup.

23. The local papers cover national and international news on one page, but require 6 pages for local gossip and motorsports.

24. You think that the first day of deer season is a national holiday.

25. You find 100 degrees Fahrenheit 'a bit warm'.

26. You know all four seasons: Almost summer, summer, still summer, and christmas.

27... Going to Wal-Mart is a favorite past time know as 'goin' Wal-Martin' or 'off to Wally World'

28. You describe the first cool snap (below 70 degrees) as good chili weather.

29. Fried catfish is the other white meat.

30. We don't need no dang driver's Ed. If our mama says we can drive then we can...besides that, we've been driving since the age of 8.

[Maxwell]

I love it!

[zombie67]

Tips for Northerners moving South: #4. If you do run your car into a ditch, don't panic. Four men in the cab of a four wheel drive with a 12-pack of beer and a tow chain will be along shortly. Don't try to help them. Just stay out of their way. This is what they live for.

Tips for Northerners moving South: #8. Remember: "Y'all" is singular. "All y'all" is plural. "All y'all's" is plural possessive.

Tips for Northerners moving South: #17. If you hear a Southerner exclaim, "Hey, y'all, watch this!" stay out of his way. These are likely the last words he will ever say.

[krazy k]

The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry midterm.

The answer by one student was so 'profound' that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well :



Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?


Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.


One student, however, wrote the following:


First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today.


Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.


This gives two possibilities:

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.


So which is it?


If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, 'It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you,' and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct......leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting 'Oh my God.'


THIS STUDENT RECEIVED AN A+.

[DrPop]

Loyalty is a man thing...

A man didn't come home one night. The next day he told his wife that he had slept over at a friend's house. The woman called her husband's 10 best friends. Eight of them confirmed that he had slept over, and two claimed that he was still there.

Now, that is the bomb!

[krazy k]

Police Sensitivity.
Come on...who says the cops aren't compassionate, sympathetic and sensitive.

Chicago, Il.

Chicago Police today reported finding a john doe male body in the Chicago River. The victim apparently drowned due to excessive narcotics consumption. He was wearing black fishnet stockings, a red garter belt, a strap-on dildo, and an Obama T-shirt. He also had a cucumber stuffed up his rectum. The police thoughtfully removed the Obama T-shirt to spare the family any unnecessary embarrassment.

[krazy k]

A son asked his mother the following question:
' Mum, why are wedding dresses white? ' The mother looks at her son and replies:

' Son, this shows your friends and relatives that your bride is pure.'

The son thanks his Mum and goes off to double-check this with his father.

' Dad why are wedding dresses white? '

The father looks at his son in surprise and says:


'Son, all household appliances come in white.'

[c303a]

NYMPHOMANIACS CONVENTION

A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up & saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane.

He soon realized she was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his.

Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, "Business trip or pleasure?"

She turned, smiled and said, "Business. I'm going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston."

He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs. Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business role at this convention?"

Lecturer," she responded. "I use information that I have learned from my personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality."


"Really?" he said. "And what kind of myths are there?"

"Well," she explained," one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait...

Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers when actually it is men of Jewish descent who the best. I have also discovered that the lover with absolutely the best stamina is the Southern Redneck."

Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed. "I am sorry," she said, "I shouldn't reallybe discussing all of this with you.. I don't even know your name."

"Tonto," the man said, "Tonto Goldstein, but my friends call me Bubba."