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Thread: I hope not.......

  1. #1
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    I hope not.......

    Found these today... Enjoy!



    "TELL ME THIS WILL NOT HAPPEN TO US"

    An elderly Floridian called 911 on her cell phone to report
    that her car has been broken into. She is hysterical as she
    explains her situation to the dispatcher: 'They've
    stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake pedal and
    even the accelerator!' she cried.. The dispatcher said,
    'Stay calm... An officer is on the way.' A few minutes
    later, the officer radios in 'Disregard.' He says.
    'She got in the back-seat by mistake.'


    -----------------------------------------------------------


    Three sisters, ages 92, 94 and 96, live in a house
    together. One night the 96-year-old draws a bath. She puts
    her foot in and pauses. She yells to the other sisters,
    'Was I getting in or out of the bath?' The
    94-year-old yells back, 'I don't know. I'll come
    up and see.' She starts up the stairs and pauses
    'Was I going up the stairs or down? The 92-year-old is
    sitting at the kitchen table having tea listening to her
    sisters, she shakes her head and says, 'I sure hope I
    never get that forgetful, knock on wood...' She then
    yells, 'I'll come up and help both of you as soon as
    I see who's at the door.'


    -----------------------------------------------------------

    'I CAN HEAR JUST FINE!'

    Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were playing golf
    one fine March day. One remarked to the other, 'Windy,
    isn't it?' 'No,' the second man replied,
    'it's Thursday.' And the third man chimed in,
    'So am I. Let's have a beer.'


    -----------------------------------------------------------

    A little old lady was running up and down the halls in a
    nursing home. As she walked, she would flip up the hem of
    her nightgown and say 'Supersex.' She walked up to
    an elderly man in a wheelchair.. Flipping her gown at him,
    she said, 'Supersex...' He sat silently for a moment
    or two and finally answered, 'I'll take the soup.'


    -----------------------------------------------------------


    Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over
    the years, they had shared all kinds of activities and
    adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to
    meeting a few times a week to play cards.

    One day, they were playing cards when one looked at the
    other and said, 'Now don't get mad at me .... I know
    we've been friends for a long time, but I just can't
    think of your name! I've thought And thought, but I
    can't remember it Please tell me what your name is..

    Her friend glared at her for at least three minutes she
    just stared and glared at her. Finally she said, 'How
    soon do you need to know?'


    -----------------------------------------------------------

    SENIOR DRIVING

    As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car
    phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice
    urgently warning him, 'Herman, I just heard on the news
    that there's a car going the wrong way on Interstate 77.
    Please be careful!' 'Heck,' said Herman,
    'It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!'


    -----------------------------------------------------------


    DRIVING

    Two elderly women were out driving in a large car - both
    could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising
    along, they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red,
    but they just went on through. The woman in the passenger
    seat thought to herself 'I must be losing it. I could
    have sworn we just went Through a red light.'

    After a few more minutes, they came to another intersection
    and the light was red. Again, they went right through. The
    woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light
    had been red but was really concerned that she was losing
    it. She was getting nervous.

    At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was red
    and they went on through. So, She turned to the other woman
    and said, 'Mildred, did you know that we just ran
    through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us
    both!'

    Mildred turned to her and said, 'Oh, crap, am I driving?'


    Future Maker? Teensy 3.6

  2. #2
    Platinum Member
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    Re: I hope not.......

    Honest to goodness, this is a lady I used to work with...

    Summer comes along, and a middle aged lady notices her car isn't as cool as she wants it to be. So, one day on her way to work, she drops it off at the car dealer with the instructions to "Find out what's wrong with the air-conditioner and fix it." Later that day, the dealership calls the office and I hear this conversation on her speaker-phone:

    She: So, did you find out what was wrong with the air-conditioner?
    He: Well, sort of. There's actually nothing wrong with it. You just don't have one.
    She: Huh? Oh yeah! That's why I got the sun-roof!

  3. #3
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    Re: I hope not.......

    Memory Test

    Three elderly men are at the doctor's office for a memory test. The doctor asks the first man, "What is three times three?" "274," is his reply. The doctor rolls his eyes and looks up at the ceiling, and says to the second man, "It's your turn. What is three times three?" "Tuesday," replies the second man. The doctor shakes his head sadly, then asks the third man, "Okay, your turn. What's three times three?" "Nine," says the third man. "That's great!" says the doctor. "How did you get that?" "Simple," he says, "just subtract 274 from Tuesday."
    Friends are like diamonds and diamonds are forever



  4. #4
    Diamond Member
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    Re: I hope not.......

    A guy was invited to some old friends' home for dinner.

    His buddy preceded every request to his wife by endearing terms, calling her Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin, etc. He was impressed since the couple had been married almost 70 years, and while the wife was off in the kitchen he said to his buddy: "I think it's wonderful that after all the years you've been married, you still call your wife those pet names."

    His buddy hung his head. "To tell you the truth," he said, "I forgot her name about ten years ago."
    Friends are like diamonds and diamonds are forever



  5. #5
    Diamond Member
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    Re: I hope not.......

    "I hope life is not a joke, because I don't get it..."
    Friends are like diamonds and diamonds are forever



  6. #6
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    Re: I hope not.......

    Friends are like diamonds and diamonds are forever



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