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krazy k
02-18-12, 01:41 PM
So the Dalai Lama walks into a pizza place and says to the guy behind the counter "Can you make me one with everything?"

trigggl
02-18-12, 03:35 PM
A criminal takes a gun into a bakery and says, "Give me all your dough!"

krazy k
02-19-12, 10:24 AM
Not so much of a joke, but a sign of tolerance.

I am truly perplexed that so many of my friends are against a mosque being built near Ground Zero.

I think it should be the goal of every American to be tolerant. The mosque should be allowed, in an effort to promote tolerance.

That is why I also propose, that two nightclubs be opened next door to the mosque thereby promoting tolerance within the mosque. We could call one of the clubs (which would be gay) "The Turban Cowboy" and the other being a topless bar "You Mecca Me Hot".

Next door should be a butcher shop that specializes in pork and adjacent to that have an open barbeque pork rib restaurant, called something like “Iraq o’ Ribs”?

Across the street there could be a very daring lingerie store called Victoria Keeps Nothing Secret with sexy mannequins in the window modeling the goods.

Next door to the lingerie shop, there would be room for an Adult Toy Shop (Koranal Knowledge), its name in flashing neon lights, and on the other side a liquor store, maybe call it "Morehammered"?

Then the Muslims could be allowed to show their tolerance... Problem solved.

krazy k
02-20-12, 01:59 PM
Vikings fans will appreciate this one the most.

A lion in the Apple Valley zoo was lying in the sun licking its butt when a visitor turned to the zookeeper and said, "That's a docile old thing isn't it?"

"No way," said the zookeeper, "it's the most ferocious beast in the zoo. Why just an hour ago it dragged a Packer fan into the cage and completely devoured him."

"Hardly seems possible" said the astonished visitor, "but why is it lying there licking its butt?"

"The poor thing is trying to get the taste out of its mouth."

c303a
02-20-12, 02:12 PM
I think that as a Packer fan you should have change the wording slightly. You know, from Packer fan to Viking fan. I believe they were a little embarrassed this year.:D:D:D:D:D

krazy k
02-20-12, 02:28 PM
I think that as a Packer fan you should have change the wording slightly. You know, from Packer fan to Viking fan. I believe they were a little embarrassed this year.:D:D:D:D:D

I look at it this way: we both had the same amount of wins in the playoffs this year.

When we went 15-1 we made it to the NFC championship. :cool:

c303a
02-20-12, 06:53 PM
I look at it this way: we both had the same amount of wins in the playoffs this year.

When we went 15-1 we made it to the NFC championship. :cool:

I'll have to give you a point on that one. :((

Slicker
02-21-12, 12:05 AM
Know why the wind blows from west to east in Wisconsin?

The Minnesota Vikings blow and the Detroit Lions suck!

Maxwell
02-21-12, 12:06 AM
This seems like an appropriate thread for this thought...

Am I the only one who thinks "vagina" every time I see a reference to VGA?

GalaxyIce
02-21-12, 07:51 AM
This seems like an appropriate thread for this thought...

Am I the only one who thinks "vagina" every time I see a reference to VGA?

You are such a bad boy :ar! Don't forget to keep taking the castor oil and the cold showers >-)

krazy k
02-21-12, 08:00 AM
A lady was lost in her car in a bad snow storm. She remembered what her dad had once told her, "If you ever get stuck in a snow storm, wait for a snow plow and follow it."

Pretty soon a snow plow came by and she started to follow it.

She followed the plow for about 45 minutes. Finally the driver of the snow plow got out and asked what she was doing. She explained that her dad had told her that if she ever got stuck in the snow, to follow a plow.

The driver nodded, and replied, "Well I'm through with the Wal-mart lot. Now you can follow me over to K-mart."

GalaxyIce
02-21-12, 10:49 AM
A man manages to get out of a hospital, still in his pyjamas and hobbles into the pub opposite on his crutches. He orders a beer and drinks it gladly. "I shouldn't be drinking this with what I've got" he says to the barman. "Why, what have you got?" the barman asks apprehensively. "10 pence" replies the man.

Fire$torm
02-21-12, 10:53 AM
Know why the wind blows from west to east in Wisconsin?

The Minnesota Vikings blow and the Detroit Lions suck!

Hehehe touche.

Duke of Buckingham
02-21-12, 07:40 PM
Samar enters kitchen and opens the sugarbox. Sees inside and closes it.
Kaveri observes the whole episode.
Again he comes and does the same stuff.
Kaveri asks, " Why are you doing this?
Samar replies, " Doctor told to check sugar level regularly.

krazy k
02-22-12, 10:34 AM
A woman decided she wanted a pet. She finally decided on a beautiful parrot. It wouldn't be as much work as a dog, and it would be fun to hear it speak. She went to a pet shop and immediately spotted a large beautiful parrot. There was a sign on the cage that said $150.00.

"Why so little," she asked the pet store owner.

The owner looked at her and said, "Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a whorehouse and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff."

The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird anyway. She took it home and hung the bird's cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something.

The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said, "New house, new madam." The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought that's not so bad. When her two teenage daughters returned from school the bird saw them and said, "New house, new madam, new whores." The girls and the woman were a bit
offended but then began to laugh about the situation.

Moments later, the woman's husband, Keith, came home from work. The bird looked at him and said "Hi Keith".

Fire$torm
02-22-12, 04:49 PM
A woman decided she wanted a pet. She finally decided on a beautiful parrot. It wouldn't be as much work as a dog, and it would be fun to hear it speak. She went to a pet shop and immediately spotted a large beautiful parrot. There was a sign on the cage that said $150.00.

"Why so little," she asked the pet store owner.

The owner looked at her and said, "Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a whorehouse and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff."

The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird anyway. She took it home and hung the bird's cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something.

The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said, "New house, new madam." The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought that's not so bad. When her two teenage daughters returned from school the bird saw them and said, "New house, new madam, new whores." The girls and the woman were a bit
offended but then began to laugh about the situation.

Moments later, the woman's husband, Keith, came home from work. The bird looked at him and said "Hi Keith".
=)) :)) =))

krazy k
02-23-12, 08:06 AM
Two old guys, Abe and Sol, are sitting on a park bench feeding pigeons and talking about baseball, like they do every day. Abe turns to Sol and says, "Do you think there's baseball in heaven?"

Sol thinks about it for a minute and replies, "I dunno. But let's make a deal: if I die first, I'll come back and tell you if there's baseball in heaven, and if you die first, you do the same."

They shake on it and sadly, a few months later, poor Abe passes on. One day soon afterward, Sol is sitting there feeding the pigeons by himself when he hears a voice whisper, "Sol... Sol..." Sol responds, "Abe! Is that you?"

"Yes it is, Sol," whispers Abe's ghost.

Sol, still amazed, asks, "So, is there baseball in heaven?"

"Well," says Abe, "I've got good news and bad news."

"Gimme the good news first," says Sol.

Abe says, "Well... there is baseball in heaven."

Sol says, "That's great! What news could be bad enough to ruin that!?"

Abe sighs and whispers, "You're pitching on Friday."

krazy k
02-24-12, 01:26 PM
Police warn all clubbers, partygoers and unsuspecting pub regulars to be alert and stay cautious when offered a drink from any woman.

A new date rape drug on the market called "beer" is used by many females to target unsuspecting men. The drug is generally found in liquid form and is now available almost anywhere.

"Beer" is used by female sexual predators at parties and bars to persuade their male victims to go home and have sex with them. Typically, a woman needs only to persuade a guy to consume a few units of "beer" and then simply ask him home for no-strings-attached sex. Men are rendered helpless against this approach.

After several "beers" men will often succumb to desires to perform sexual acts on horrific looking women to whom they would never normally be attracted. After drinking "beer" men often awaken with only hazy memories of exactly what happened to them the night before, often with just a vague feeling that something bad occurred.

At other times these unfortunate men are swindled out of their life's savings in a familiar scam known as "a relationship." Apparently, men are much more susceptible to this scam after "beer" is administered and sex is offered by the predatory female.

krazy k
02-27-12, 01:50 AM
An English teacher was explaining the concept of gender association in the English language. He stated how hurricanes at one time were given feminine names, and how ships and planes were usually referred to as "she." One of the students raised their hand and asked, "What gender is a computer"? The teacher wasn't certain which it was, so he divided the class into two groups, males in one, females in the other, and asked them to decide if a computer should be masculine or feminine. Both groups were asked to give four reasons for their recommendation.

The group of women concluded that computers should be referred to in the masculine gender because:
1. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
2. They have a lot of data, but are still clueless.
3. They are supposed to help you solve your problems, but half the time they are the problem.
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that, if you had waited a little longer, you could have had a better model.

The men, on the other hand, decided that computers should definitely be referred to in the feminine gender because:
1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic.
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in their long-term memory for later retrieval.
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

coronicus
02-27-12, 09:47 AM
=))

krazy k
02-28-12, 09:12 AM
Loyalty is a man thing...

Friendship Between Women:
A woman didn't come home one night. The next day she told her husband that she had slept over at a friend's house. The man called his wife's 10 best friends. None of them knew about it.



Friendship Between Men:
A man didn't come home one night. The next day he told his wife that he had slept over at a friend's house. The woman called her husband's 10 best friends. Eight of them confirmed that he had slept over, and two claimed that he was still there.

Mike029
02-28-12, 09:42 AM
Loyalty is a man thing...

Friendship Between Women:
A woman didn't come home one night. The next day she told her husband that she had slept over at a friend's house. The man called his wife's 10 best friends. None of them knew about it.



Friendship Between Men:
A man didn't come home one night. The next day he told his wife that he had slept over at a friend's house. The woman called her husband's 10 best friends. Eight of them confirmed that he had slept over, and two claimed that he was still there.

Priceless...

krazy k
02-29-12, 08:49 AM
Things I learned living in Oklahoma


1. A possum is a flat animal that sleeps in the middle of the road.

2. There are 5,000 types of snakes and 4,998 of them live in Oklahoma .

3. There are 10,000 types of spiders. All 10,000 of them live in Oklahoma , plus a couple no one's seen before.

4. If it grows, it'll stick ya. If it crawls, it'll bite cha.

5. 'Onced' and 'Twiced' are words.

6. It is not a shopping cart, it is a buggy.

7. 'Jaw-P?' means 'Did ya'll go to the bathroom?'

8. People actually grow and eat okra.

9. 'fixinto' is one word.

10. There is no such thing as 'lunch'. There is only dinner and then there is supper.

11. Iced tea is appropriate for all meals and you start drinking it when you're two. We do like a little tea with our sugar.

12. Backwards and forwards means 'I know everything about you.'

13. The word 'jeet' is actually a phrase meaning 'Did you eat?'.

14. You don't have to wear a watch, because it doesn't matter what time it is, you work until you're done or it's too dark to see.

15. You don't PUSH buttons, you MASH EM.

16. 'No. Jew?' is a common response to the question 'Did you bring any beer?'.

17. You measure distance in minutes.

18. You switch from heat to A/C in the same day.

19. All the festivals across the state are named after a fruit, vegetable, grain, insect or animal.

20. You know what a 'DAWG' is.

21. You carry jumper cables in your car --- for your OWN car.

22. You only own five spices: salt, pepper, Head Country, Tabasco and Ketchup.

23. The local papers cover national and international news on one page, but require 6 pages for local gossip and motorsports.

24. You think that the first day of deer season is a national holiday.

25. You find 100 degrees Fahrenheit 'a bit warm'.

26. You know all four seasons: Almost summer, summer, still summer, and christmas.

27... Going to Wal-Mart is a favorite past time know as 'goin' Wal-Martin' or 'off to Wally World'

28. You describe the first cool snap (below 70 degrees) as good chili weather.

29. Fried catfish is the other white meat.

30. We don't need no dang driver's Ed. If our mama says we can drive then we can...besides that, we've been driving since the age of 8.

Maxwell
02-29-12, 10:16 AM
I love it!

zombie67
02-29-12, 12:25 PM
Tips for Northerners moving South: #4. If you do run your car into a ditch, don't panic. Four men in the cab of a four wheel drive with a 12-pack of beer and a tow chain will be along shortly. Don't try to help them. Just stay out of their way. This is what they live for.

Tips for Northerners moving South: #8. Remember: "Y'all" is singular. "All y'all" is plural. "All y'all's" is plural possessive.

Tips for Northerners moving South: #17. If you hear a Southerner exclaim, "Hey, y'all, watch this!" stay out of his way. These are likely the last words he will ever say.

krazy k
03-01-12, 09:30 PM
The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry midterm.

The answer by one student was so 'profound' that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well :



Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?


Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.


One student, however, wrote the following:


First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today.


Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.


This gives two possibilities:

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.


So which is it?


If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, 'It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you,' and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct......leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting 'Oh my God.'


THIS STUDENT RECEIVED AN A+.

DrPop
03-01-12, 10:41 PM
Loyalty is a man thing...

A man didn't come home one night. The next day he told his wife that he had slept over at a friend's house. The woman called her husband's 10 best friends. Eight of them confirmed that he had slept over, and two claimed that he was still there.

Now, that is the bomb! :D

krazy k
03-05-12, 08:22 AM
Police Sensitivity.
Come on...who says the cops aren't compassionate, sympathetic and sensitive.

Chicago, Il.

Chicago Police today reported finding a john doe male body in the Chicago River. The victim apparently drowned due to excessive narcotics consumption. He was wearing black fishnet stockings, a red garter belt, a strap-on dildo, and an Obama T-shirt. He also had a cucumber stuffed up his rectum. The police thoughtfully removed the Obama T-shirt to spare the family any unnecessary embarrassment.

krazy k
03-09-12, 09:18 AM
A son asked his mother the following question:
' Mum, why are wedding dresses white? ' The mother looks at her son and replies:

' Son, this shows your friends and relatives that your bride is pure.'

The son thanks his Mum and goes off to double-check this with his father.

' Dad why are wedding dresses white? '

The father looks at his son in surprise and says:


'Son, all household appliances come in white.'

c303a
03-09-12, 04:30 PM
NYMPHOMANIACS CONVENTION

A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up & saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane.

He soon realized she was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his.

Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, "Business trip or pleasure?"

She turned, smiled and said, "Business. I'm going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston."

He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs. Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business role at this convention?"

Lecturer," she responded. "I use information that I have learned from my personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality."


"Really?" he said. "And what kind of myths are there?"

"Well," she explained," one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait...

Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers when actually it is men of Jewish descent who the best. I have also discovered that the lover with absolutely the best stamina is the Southern Redneck."

Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed. "I am sorry," she said, "I shouldn't reallybe discussing all of this with you.. I don't even know your name."

"Tonto," the man said, "Tonto Goldstein, but my friends call me Bubba."

krazy k
03-11-12, 08:37 PM
DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted part which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.

WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, ''What the...??''

ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age.

SKILL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.

PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.

BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.

HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

WELDING GLOVES: Heavy duty leather gloves used to prolong the conduction of intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub you want the bearing race out of.

TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.

EIGHT-FOOT LONG YELLOW PINE 2X4: Used for levering an automobile upward off of a trapped hydraulic jack handle.

E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool ten times harder than any known drill bit that snaps neatly off in bolt holes thereby ending any possible future use.

BAND SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.

CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 24-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A very large pry bar that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end opposite the handle.

AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids and for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.

STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws.

PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short.

HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit.

MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while wearing them.

DAMMIT TOOL: Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling ''DAMMIT'' at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.

Fire$torm
03-12-12, 01:01 PM
@krazy k: Thanks for bringing me to tears with those Tool Time like one liners. :)) :(( :)) Such fond memories of tool induced pain over the years........

BTW: About 50% of those incidents I have experienced personally :P And the only tool in that list that scares me? "The Band Saw". (From my youth) Woodshop instructor at my neighborhood park lost 2 fingers in less then half a sexcond cutting a plank of wood. Every time I see a band saw I instantly recall his bandaged hand.

krazy k
03-13-12, 12:55 PM
Not much of a joke, but something that you can still appreciate. I don't know how much of this is true either, but you get the point.

JFK'S Secretary of State, Dean Rusk, was in France in the early 60's when DeGaule decided to pull out of NATO. DeGaule said he wanted all US military out of France as soon as possible.

Rusk responded "does that include those who are buried here?

DeGuale did not respond.




When in England , at a fairly large conference, Colin Powell was asked by the Archbishop of Canterbury if our plans for Iraq were just an example of empire building by George Bush.

He answered by saying, 'Over the years, the United States has sent many of its fine young men and women into great peril to fight for freedom beyond our borders. The only amount of land we have ever asked for in return is enough to bury those that did not return.'


There was a conference in France where a number of international engineers were taking part, including French and American. During a break, one of the French engineers came back into the room saying 'Have you heard the latest dumb stunt Bush has done? He has sent an aircraft carrier to Indonesia to help the tsunami victims. What does he intended to do, bomb them?'

A Boeing engineer stood up and replied quietly: 'Our carriers have three hospitals on board that can treat several hundred people; they are nuclear powered and can supply emergency electrical power to shore facilities; they have three cafeterias with the capacity to feed 3,000 people three meals a day, they can produce several thousand gallons of fresh water from sea water each day, and they carry half a dozen helicopters for use in transporting victims and injured to and from their flight deck. We have eleven such ships; how many does France have?'



A U.S. Navy Admiral was attending a naval conference that included Admirals from the U.S. , English, Canadian, Australian and French Navies. At a cocktail reception, he found himself standing with a large group of Officers that included personnel from most of those countries. Everyone was chatting away in English as they sipped their drinks but a French admiral suddenly complained that, whereas Europeans learn many languages, Americans learn only English. He then asked, 'Why is it that we always have to speak English in these conferences rather than speaking French?'

Without hesitating, the American Admiral replied, 'Maybe it's because the Brit's, Canadians, Aussie's and Americans arranged it so you wouldn't have to speak German.'


AND THIS STORY FITS RIGHT IN WITH THE ABOVE...

Robert Whiting, an elderly gentleman of 83, arrived in Paris by plane. At French Customs, he took a few minutes to locate his passport in his carry on.

"You have been to France before, monsieur?" the customs officer asked sarcastically.

Mr. Whiting admitted that he had been to France previously.

"Then you should know enough to have your passport ready."

The American said, 'The last time I was here, I didn't have to show it."

"Impossible. Americans always have to show your passports on arrival in France!"

The American senior gave the Frenchman a long hard look. Then he quietly explained, ''Well, when I came ashore at Omaha Beach on D-Day in 1944 to help liberate this country I couldn't find a single Frenchmen to show a passport to."

krazy k
03-14-12, 01:07 PM
This one is for today. No go eat some pie.

http://scitech.blogs.cnn.com/2009/03/13/pi-day-and-american-pi/

krazy k
03-15-12, 11:41 PM
A new sign in the Bank Lobby reads:

'Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive-through ATM machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles.

Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures outlined below when accessing their accounts.

After months of careful research, MALE &FEMALE Procedures have been developed. Please follow the Appropriate steps for your gender.'

************ ********* ********* *
MALE PROCEDURE:
1. Drive up to the cash machine.
2. Put down your car window.
3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw..
5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
6. Put window up.
7. Drive off.


FEMALE PROCEDURE:
What is really funny is that most of this part is the Truth!

1. Drive up to cash machine.
2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine...
3. Set parking brake, put the window down.
4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.
5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up...
6. Attempt to insert card into machine...
7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.
8. Insert card...
9. Re-insert card the right way.
10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.
11. Enter PIN.
12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
13. Enter amount of cash required.
14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.
15. Retrieve cash and receipt.
16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.
17. Write debit amount in check register and place receipt in back of checkbook.
18. Re-check makeup.
19. Drive forward 2 feet.
20. Reverse back to cash machine..
21. Retrieve card.
22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided!
23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.
24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.
25. Redial person on cell phone..
26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.
27. Release Parking Brake.

c303a
03-17-12, 07:19 PM
This kid has got to be Italian. Watch his facial expressions.


http://www.wimp.com/casanovaprank/

krazy k
03-17-12, 10:20 PM
This kid has got to be Italian. Watch his facial expressions.


http://www.wimp.com/casanovaprank/

That was pretty good. Kid's got more game than I do.

How about this one?

http://www.break.com/index/it-guy-vs-dumb-employees.html

krazy k
03-20-12, 08:22 PM
Hurray the internet is back. Sorry for the caps on this one.

ON JULY 20, 1969, AS COMMANDER OF THE APOLLO 11 LUNAR MODULE, NEIL ARMSTRONG WAS THE FIRST PERSON TO SET FOOT ON THE MOON.


HIS FIRST WORDS AFTER STEPPING ON THE MOON, "THAT'S ONE SMALL STEP FOR MAN, ONE GIANT LEAP FOR MANKIND," WERE TELEVISED TO EARTH AND HEARD BY MILLIONS.*

BUT JUST BEFORE HE RE-ENTERED THE LANDER, HE MADE THE ENIGMATIC REMARK "GOOD LUCK, MR. GORSKY".

MANY PEOPLE AT NASA THOUGH IT WAS A CASUAL REMARK CONCERNING SOME RIVAL SOVIET COSMONAUT.

HOWEVER, UPON CHECKING, THERE WAS NO GORSKY IN EITHER THE RUSSIAN OR AMERICAN SPACE PROGRAMS.

OVER THE YEARS MANY PEOPLE QUESTIONED ARMSTRONG AS TO WHAT THE 'GOOD LUCK, MR. GORSKY' STATEMENT MEANT, BUT ARMSTRONG ALWAYS JUST SMILED.

ON JULY 5, 1995, IN TAMPA BAY , FLORIDA , WHILE ANSWERING QUESTIONS FOLLOWING A SPEECH, A REPORTER BROUGHT UP THE 26- YEAR-OLD QUESTION TO ARMSTRONG. THIS TIME HE FINALLY RESPONDED.

MR. GORSKY HAD DIED, SO NEIL ARMSTRONG FELT HE COULD NOW ANSWER THE QUESTION.

IN 1938, WHEN HE WAS A KID IN A SMALL MID-WESTERN TOWN , HE WAS PLAYING BASEBALL WITH A FRIEND IN THE BACKYARD. HIS FRIEND HIT THE BALL, WHICH LANDED IN HIS NEIGHBOR'S YARD BY THEIR BEDROOM WINDOW.

HIS NEIGHBORS WERE MR. AND MRS. GORSKY. AS HE LEANED DOWN TO PICK UP THE BALL, YOUNG ARMSTRONG HEARD MRS. GORSKY SHOUTING AT MR. GORSKY.

"SEX! YOU WANT SEX?! YOU'LL GET SEX WHEN THE KID NEXT DOOR WALKS ON THE MOON!"



TRUE STORY.

Mike029
03-20-12, 08:29 PM
Hurray the internet is back. Sorry for the caps on this one.

ON JULY 20, 1969, AS COMMANDER OF THE APOLLO 11 LUNAR MODULE, NEIL ARMSTRONG WAS THE FIRST PERSON TO SET FOOT ON THE MOON.


HIS FIRST WORDS AFTER STEPPING ON THE MOON, "THAT'S ONE SMALL STEP FOR MAN, ONE GIANT LEAP FOR MANKIND," WERE TELEVISED TO EARTH AND HEARD BY MILLIONS.*

BUT JUST BEFORE HE RE-ENTERED THE LANDER, HE MADE THE ENIGMATIC REMARK "GOOD LUCK, MR. GORSKY".

MANY PEOPLE AT NASA THOUGH IT WAS A CASUAL REMARK CONCERNING SOME RIVAL SOVIET COSMONAUT.

HOWEVER, UPON CHECKING, THERE WAS NO GORSKY IN EITHER THE RUSSIAN OR AMERICAN SPACE PROGRAMS.

OVER THE YEARS MANY PEOPLE QUESTIONED ARMSTRONG AS TO WHAT THE 'GOOD LUCK, MR. GORSKY' STATEMENT MEANT, BUT ARMSTRONG ALWAYS JUST SMILED.

ON JULY 5, 1995, IN TAMPA BAY , FLORIDA , WHILE ANSWERING QUESTIONS FOLLOWING A SPEECH, A REPORTER BROUGHT UP THE 26- YEAR-OLD QUESTION TO ARMSTRONG. THIS TIME HE FINALLY RESPONDED.

MR. GORSKY HAD DIED, SO NEIL ARMSTRONG FELT HE COULD NOW ANSWER THE QUESTION.

IN 1938, WHEN HE WAS A KID IN A SMALL MID-WESTERN TOWN , HE WAS PLAYING BASEBALL WITH A FRIEND IN THE BACKYARD. HIS FRIEND HIT THE BALL, WHICH LANDED IN HIS NEIGHBOR'S YARD BY THEIR BEDROOM WINDOW.

HIS NEIGHBORS WERE MR. AND MRS. GORSKY. AS HE LEANED DOWN TO PICK UP THE BALL, YOUNG ARMSTRONG HEARD MRS. GORSKY SHOUTING AT MR. GORSKY.

"SEX! YOU WANT SEX?! YOU'LL GET SEX WHEN THE KID NEXT DOOR WALKS ON THE MOON!"



TRUE STORY.

Classic,
Thank you Krazy K.

krazy k
03-21-12, 06:22 PM
Why I'm divorced . . .

Last week was my birthday and I didn't feel very well waking up on that morning.

I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my wife would be pleasant and say, 'Happy Birthday!', and possibly have a small present for me.

As it turned out, she barely said good morning, let alone ' Happy Birthday.'

I thought....

Well, that's marriage for you, but the kids.... They will remember.

My kids came bounding down stairs to breakfast and didn't say a word..
So when I left for the office, I felt pretty low and somewhat despondent.

As I walked into my office, my secretary Jane said, 'Good Morning Boss, and by the way Happy Birthday ! '

It felt a little better that at least someone had remembered.

I worked until one o'clock, when Jane knocked on my door and said, 'You know, It's such a beautiful day outside, and it is your Birthday, that do you say we go out to lunch, just you and me..'

I said, 'Thanks, Jane, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go!'

We went to lunch. But we didn't go where we normally would go. She chose instead at a quiet bistro with a private table. We had two martinis each and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.

On the way back to the office, Jane said, 'You know, It's such a beautiful day... We don't need to go straight back to the office, Do We?'

I responded, 'I guess not. What do you have in mind?'

She said, 'Let's drop by my apartment, it's just around the corner.'

After arriving at her apartment, Jane turned to me and said, 'Boss, if you don't mind, I'm going to step into the bedroom for just a moment. I'll be right back.'

'Ok.' I nervously replied.

She went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes, she came out carrying a huge birthday cake ... Followed by my wife, my kids, and dozens of my friends and co-workers, all singing 'Happy Birthday'.

And I just sat there....

On the couch....


Naked.

krazy k
03-23-12, 12:21 AM
Yodeling.


Have you ever wondered where and how yodelling began?


Many years ago a man was travelling through the mountains of Switzerland .


Nightfall was rapidly approaching and he had nowhere to sleep. He went up to a farmhouse and asked the farmer if he could spend the night.




The farmer told him that he could sleep in the barn.


As the story goes, the farmer's daughter asked her father, "Who is that man going into the barn?"


"That fellow travelling through," said the farmer. "needs a place to stay for the night, so, I told him he could sleep in the barn."


The daughter said, "Perhaps he is hungry." So she prepared him a plate of food for him and then took it out to the barn.


About an hour later, the daughter returned. Her clothing disheveled and straw in her hair. Straight up to bed she went.


The farmer's wife was very observant. She then suggested that perhaps the man was thirsty. So she fetched a bottle of wine, took it out to the barn, and she too did not return for an hour. Her clothing was askew, her blouse buttoned incorrectly. She also headed straight to bed.


The next morning at sunrise the man in the barn got up and continued on his journey, waving to the farmer as he left.



When the daughter awoke and learned that the visitor was gone, she broke into tears. "How could he leave without even saying goodbye," she cried. "We made such passionate love last night!"


"What?" shouted the father as he angrily ran out of the house looking for the man, who by now was halfway up the mountain.


The farmer screamed up at him, "I'm going to get you! You had sex with my daughter!"


The man looked back down from the mountain side, cupped his hand next to his mouth, and yelled out.....


"LAIDTHEOLADEETOO"

coronicus
03-23-12, 06:16 AM
=))

krazy k
03-25-12, 11:17 PM
A little engineer humor.



Understanding Engineers - Take One

Two engineering students were walking across a university campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?"

The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday, minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want."

The second engineer nodded approvingly and said, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit you anyway."
------------------------------------------------------------------------

Understanding Engineers - Take Two

To the optimist, the glass is half full.
To the pessimist, the glass is half empty.
To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.
------------------------------------------------------------------------

Understanding Engineers - Take Three
A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers.

The engineer fumed, "What's with those guys? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!"

The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such inept golf!"

The priest said, "Here comes the greens keeper. Let's have a word with him."

He said, "Hello, George! what's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"

The greens keeper replied, "Oh, yes. That's a group of blind fire fighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime." The group fell silent for a moment.

The priest said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."

The doctor said, "Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything he can do for them."

The engineer said, "Why can't they play at night?"
------------------------------------------------------------------------

Understanding Engineers - Take Four

What is the difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers?
Mechanical engineers build weapons and civil engineers build targets.
------------------------------------------------------------------------

Understanding Engineers - Take Five

The graduate with a science degree asks, "Why does it work?"
The graduate with an engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"
The graduate with an accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?"
The graduate with an arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"
------------------------------------------------------------------------

Understanding Engineers - Take Six

Three engineering students were gathered together discussing the possible designers of the human body.

One said, "It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints."

Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections."

The last one said, "No, actually it had to have been a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"
--------------------------------------------------------------

Understanding Engineers - Take Seven

Normal people believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it.
Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet.

krazy k
03-28-12, 10:06 PM
Truths For Mature Humans

1. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.

2. I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.

3. There is great need for a sarcasm font.

4. How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?

5. Was learning cursive really necessary?

6. Map Quest really needs to start their directions on # 5 since I'm pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.

7. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.

8. I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.

9. Bad decisions make good stories.

10. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren't going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.

11. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue Ray? I don't want to have to restart my collection...again.

12. I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page technical report that I swear I did not make any changes to.

13. I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.

14. I think the freezer deserves a light as well.

15. I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lite than Kay.

16. I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option.

17. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.

18. How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear or understand a word they said?

19. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team upto prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers and sisters!

20. Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.

21. Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.

22. Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning them Tail on the Donkey - but I'd bet everyone can find and push the snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time!

23. The first testicular guard, the "Cup," was used in Hockey in 1874 and the first helmet was used in 1974. That means it only took 100 years for men to realize that their brain is also important. (Ladies.....Quit Laughing!)

Maxwell
03-28-12, 10:22 PM
20. Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.

This is the source of the biggest argument between my girlfriend and I...:cool:

Cruncher Pete
03-28-12, 10:42 PM
That' not a Dishwasher problem, that's a Washing Machine Problem...:rolleyes:

Duke of Buckingham
03-29-12, 02:46 AM
That number one never happened to me. I am always right.

http://180adventure.com/Images/StubbornMule.gif

Duke

c303a
03-29-12, 02:56 PM
Lent in MN
Each Friday night after work, Ole would fire up his outdoor grill on the shore of Rainy Lake and cook a venison steak. But, all of Ole's neighbors were Catholic... And since it was Lent, they were forbidden from eating meat on Friday. The delicious aroma from the grilled venison steaks wafted over Rainy all the way to I Falls and was causing such a problem for the Catholic faithful that they finally talked to their priest.

The Priest came to visit Ole, and suggested that he become a Catholic. After several classes and much study, Ole attended Mass.....and as the priest sprinkled holy water over him, he said, "You were born a Lutheran, and raised a Lutheran, but now you are a Catholic."

Ole's neighbors were relieved, until Friday night arrived, and the wonderful aroma of grilled venison filled the neighborhood. The Priest was called immediately by the neighbors and, as he rushed into Ole's yard, clutching a rosary and prepared to scold him, he stopped and watched in amazement.

There stood Ole, clutching a small bottle of holy water which he carefully sprinkled over the grilling meat and chanted:
"You vuz born a deer......you vuz raised a deer.....but now you is a walleye."

John P. Myers
03-29-12, 03:31 PM
....but now you is a walleye."


HA! Took me a second to get that one. ahhhhh those catholics and their magical voodoo water :p

krazy k
03-29-12, 04:19 PM
....but now you is a walleye."


Very nice.

Slicker
03-29-12, 07:37 PM
Truths For Mature Humans
3. There is great need for a sarcasm font.

I disagree. If the person reading the message doesn't get the sarcasm, then the sarcasm was probably meant for him and that makes it even better just the way it is! You just can't fix stupid, font or no font.:p

krazy k
03-29-12, 10:11 PM
I disagree. If the person reading the message doesn't get the sarcasm, then the sarcasm was probably meant for him and that makes it even better just the way it is! You just can't fix stupid, font or no font.:p

Really? You could have used it right here and it would be perfect.

krazy k
03-29-12, 10:12 PM
A Baptist preacher was seated next to a cowboy on a flight to Texas . After the plane took off, the cowboy asked for a whiskey and soda, which was brought and placed before him.

The flight attendant then asked the preacher if he would like a drink.

Appalled, the preacher replied, "I'd rather be tied up and taken advantage of by women of ill-repute than let liquor touch my lips."

The cowboy then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "Me too, I didn't know we had a choice."

trigggl
03-29-12, 11:02 PM
I disagree. If the person reading the message doesn't get the sarcasm, then the sarcasm was probably meant for him and that makes it even better just the way it is! You just can't fix stupid, font or no font.:p

If you ever detect something from me that's not sarcasm, call 911. I may be flat-lining.

Duke of Buckingham
03-29-12, 11:18 PM
If you ever detect something from me that's not sarcasm, call 911. I may be flat-lining.


http://www.cartoonstock.com/lowres/vsh0712l.jpg

Mike029
03-31-12, 10:18 PM
If you ever detect something from me that's not sarcasm, call 911. I may be flat-lining.

WAAAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHHA!!!

krazy k
04-02-12, 05:58 PM
A guy walked into the local welfare office to pick up his check. He marched straight up to the counter and said, "Hi. You know, I just HATE Drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job."

The social worker behind the counter said, "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a Chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter. You'll have to drive around in his 2010 Mercedes-Benz CL, and he will supply all of your clothes."

"Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll also be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips this is rather awkward to say, but you will also have, as part of your job assignment, to satisfy her sexual urges as the daughter is in her mid-20's and has a rather strong sex drive."

The guy, just plain wide-eyed, said, "You're bullshittin' me!"

The social worker said, "Yeah, well ... You started it."

krazy k
04-08-12, 12:59 AM
A fifteen year old Amish boy and his father were in a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.

The boy asked, 'What is this Father?'

The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, 'Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is.'

While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened, and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number… and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order. Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blond stepped out.

The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son.....

'Go get your Mother'

krazy k
04-09-12, 09:07 AM
Men’s Age as Determined by a Trip to Home Depot

You are in the middle of some kind of project around the house-mowing the lawn, putting in a new fence, painting the living room, or whatever. You are hot and sweaty, covered in dirt or paint. You have your old work clothes on. You know the outfit - shorts with the hole in the crotch, old T-shirt with a stain from who knows what, and an old pair of tennis shoes.

Right in the middle of this great home improvement project you realize you need to run to Home Depot to get something to help complete the job.

Depending on your age you might do the following:

________________________________________
In your 20's:

Stop what you are doing. Shave, take a shower, blow dry your hair, brush your teeth, floss, and put on clean clothes. Check yourself in the mirror and flex. Add a dab of your favorite cologne because you never know, you just might meet some hot chick while standing in the checkout lane. And you went to school with the pretty girl running the register.

________________________________________
In your 30's:

Stop what you are doing, put on clean shorts and shirt. Change shoes. You married the hot chick so no need for much else. Wash your hands and comb your hair. Check yourself in the mirror. Still got it. Add a shot of your favorite cologne to cover the smell. The cute girl running the register is the kid sister to someone you went to school with.

________________________________________
In your 40's:

Stop what you are doing. Put on a sweatshirt that is long enough to cover the hole in the crotch of your shorts. Put on different shoes and a hat. Wash your hands. Your bottle of Brute Cologne is almost empty so you don't want to waste any of it on a trip to Home Depot. Check yourself in the mirror and do more sucking in than flexing. The spicy young thing running the register is your daughter's age and you feel weird thinking she is spicy.

________________________________________
In your 50's:

Stop what you are doing. Put a hat on, wipe the dirt off your hands onto your shirt. Change shoes because you don't want to get dog doo-doo in your new sports car. Check yourself in the mirror and you swear not to wear that shirt anymore because it makes you look fat. The Cutie running the register smiles when she sees you coming and you think you still have it. Then you remember the hat you have on is from Buddy's Bait & Beer Bar and it says, 'I Got Worms '.

________________________________________
In your 60's:

Stop what you are doing. No need for a hat anymore. Hose the dog doo-doo off your shoes. The mirror was shattered when you were in your 50's. You hope you have underwear on so nothing hangs out the hole in your pants. The girl running the register may be cute, but you don't have your glasses on so you are not sure.

________________________________________
In your 70's:

Stop what you are doing. Wait to go to Home Depot until the drug store has your prescriptions ready, too. Don't even notice the dog doo-doo on your shoes. The young thing at the register smiles at you because you remind her of her grandfather.

________________________________________

In your 80's:

Stop what you are doing. Start again. Then stop again. Now you remember you needed to go to Home Depot. Go to Wal-Mart instead and wander around trying to think what it is you are looking for. Fart out loud and you think someone called out your name. You went to school with the old lady who greeted you at the front door.

________________________________________

In your 90's & beyond:

What's a home deep hoe? Something for my garden? Where am I? Who am I? Why am I reading this? Did I send it? Did you? Who farted?

Mike029
04-22-12, 09:04 AM
The Man Rules
At last a guy has taken the time to write this all
down.

We always hear "The Rules" from the female side.

Now here are the rules from the male side

These are our rules!
Please note... they are all numbered '1' ON
PURPOSE!


1. Men are NOT mind readers.

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're
a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up,
you need it down. You don't hear us complaining
about you leaving it down.

1. Sunday sports It's like the full moon or the
changing of the tides. Let it be.

1. Crying is blackmail, and witchcraft.

1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this
one! Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints
do not work! Just say it!

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers
to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help
solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are
for.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible
in an argument. In fact, all comments become Null
and void after 7 Days.

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't
ask us.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two
ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we
meant the other one.

1. You can either ask us to do something OR tell us
how you want it done. Not both. If you already know
how to do it best, just do it yourself

1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you
have to say during commercials.

1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and
neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows
default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit,
not A color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. ; We have NO idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say 'nothing,'
We will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are
lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer
to, Expect an answer you don't want to hear.


1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless
you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball
or golf.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!

1. Thank you for reading this. Yes, I know I have
to sleep on the couch tonight; But did you know men really don't mind
that? It's like camping.


Pass this to as many men as you can - to give them
a laugh and to as many women as you can - to give them a bigger laugh

krazy k
04-24-12, 02:28 AM
Proofreading is a dying art.



Man Kills Self Before Shooting Wife and Daughter
This one I caught in the SGV Tribune the other day and called the Editorial Room and asked who wrote this. It took two or three readings before the editor realized that what he was reading was impossible!!! They put in a correction the next day.




I just couldn't help sending this along. Too funny.
Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
No crap, really? Ya think?


----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
Now that's taking things a bit far!


-----------------------------------------------------------
Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
What a guy!


---------------------------------------------------------------
Miners Refuse to Work after Death
No-good-for-nothing' lazy so-and-so's!


------------------------------------------------------
Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
See if that works any better than a fair trial!


----------------------------------------------------------
War Dims Hope for Peace
I can see where it might have that effect!


----------------------------------------------------------------
If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile
Ya think?!


-----------------------------------------------------------------------
Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
Who would have thought!


----------------------------------------------------------------
Enfield ( London ) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
They may be on to something!


------------------------------------------------------------------------
Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
You mean there's something stronger than duct tape?


----------------------------------------------------------
Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge
He probably IS the battery charge!


----------------------------------------------
New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
Weren't they fat enough?!


-----------------------------------------------
Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas inSpacecraft
That's what he gets for eating those beans!


---------------- ---------------------------------
Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
Do they taste like chicken?


****************************************
Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
Chainsaw Massacre all over again!


************************************************** *

Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
Boy, are they tall!


*******************************************
And the winner is....
Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead

Slicker
04-24-12, 10:51 AM
Proofreading is a dying art.

That reminds me of a road sign I saw last weekend that said "Caution! Autistic child". How about that? I didn't know autistic children were dangerous!

DrPop
04-24-12, 04:40 PM
Oh man...some of those were AWESOME, thanks! :D

coronicus
04-24-12, 09:00 PM
That reminds me of a road sign I saw last weekend that said "Caution! Autistic child". How about that? I didn't know autistic children were dangerous!

I dont get it... Why would you make a sign like that... Uhm if you see school sign or children crossing sign uhm you should be slowing your arse down and paying attention... So what an autistic child runs across the street diferently then any other child... wow im at a lose...


Edit: Maybe i need to go back to driving school?????

GregK
04-24-12, 09:09 PM
lol! thanks for the jokes!

krazy k
04-25-12, 01:43 AM
lol! thanks for the jokes!

I still think that whomever found out that kids make tasty snacks might need to be checked out.

krazy k
04-27-12, 09:33 AM
A real woman is a man's best friend.

She will never stand him up and never let him down.

She will reassure him when he feels insecure and comfort him after a bad day.

She will inspire him to do things he never thought he could do; to live without fear and forget regret.

She will enable him to express his deepest emotions and give in to his most intimate desires.

She will make sure he always feels as though he's the most handsome man in the room and will enable him to be the most confident, sexy, seductive and invincible...

No wait...Sorry.

I'm thinking of Captain Morgan. It's Captain Morgan that does all that shit.

Never mind.

Slicker
04-27-12, 10:04 AM
I dont get it... Why would you make a sign like that... Uhm if you see school sign or children crossing sign uhm you should be slowing your arse down and paying attention... So what an autistic child runs across the street diferently then any other child... wow im at a lose...


Edit: Maybe i need to go back to driving school?????

A "Children Playing" sign or something would have been better. I wonder how old the kid will be when he figures out the street sign is a label for him. That being said, if autistic kids do run differently than other kids, they'd be worth fewer points. It isn't like an old lady where you get 10 bonus points for not spilling the contents of her purse and 5 more for avoiding her walker when you run her over. :)

Fire$torm
04-27-12, 05:47 PM
A "Children Playing" sign or something would have been better. I wonder how old the kid will be when he figures out the street sign is a label for him. That being said, if autistic kids do run differently than other kids, they'd be worth fewer points. It isn't like an old lady where you get 10 bonus points for not spilling the contents of her purse and 5 more for avoiding her walker when you run her over. :)

One of my favorite Cult Classics DR2K.

c303a
04-29-12, 11:40 AM
Idle Thoughts Of A Wandering Mind:

I planted some bird seed.
A bird came up.
Now I don't know what to feed it
********************

I had amnesia once --- or twice
********************

I went to San Francisco.
I found someone's heart. Now what?
********************

Protons have mass?
I didn't even know they were Catholic.
********************

All I ask is a chance to prove
that money can't make me happy
********************

If the world were a logical place,
men would be the ones who ride horses sidesaddle.
********************

What is a "free" gift?
Aren't all gifts free?
********************

They told me I was gullible
and I believed them.
********************

Teach a child to be polite and courteous
in the home and, when he grows up,
he'll never be able to merge his car onto the freeway.
********************

Experience is the thing you have left
when everything else is gone.
********************

One nice thing about egotists:
they don't talk about other people.
********************

My weight is perfect for my height
-- which varies.
********************

I used to be indecisive.
Now I'm not sure.
********************

How can there be self-help "groups"?
********************

If swimming is so good for your figure,
how do you explain whales?
********************

Show me a man with both feet firmly on the ground,
and I'll show you a man who can't get his pants off.
********************

Is it me -- or do buffalo wings taste like chicken?

invisy
05-05-12, 07:15 PM
New game
842

Duke of Buckingham
05-05-12, 07:30 PM
What was its name?


Two elderly couples were enjoying friendly conversation when one of the men asked the other, "Fred, how was the memory clinic you went to last month?"

"Outstanding," Fred replied. "They taught us all the latest psychological techiniques-visulization, association-it made a huge difference for me."

"That's great! What was the name of the clinic?"

Fred went blank He thought and thought, but couldn't remember.

Then a smile broke across his face and he asked, "What do you call that flower with the long stem and thorns?"

"You mean a rose?"

"Yes, that's it!" He turned to his wife. . ."Rose, what was the name of that clinic?"

I will have to learn how to play Bingo invisy.

invisy
05-08-12, 04:27 PM
seems legit

coronicus
05-08-12, 06:52 PM
seems legit

Thats awesome.. =))

invisy
05-14-12, 11:36 AM
lmao

Duke of Buckingham
05-14-12, 12:07 PM
Never before seen in internet ... :D


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XLXtT7uSOmQ

c303a
05-16-12, 04:22 PM
Five truths
1. Money cannot buy happiness, but it’s more comfortable to cry in a Corvette than on a bicycle.
2. Forgive your enemy, but remember the jerk’s name.
3. If you help someone when he's in trouble, he will remember you when he's in trouble again.
4. Many people are alive only because it’s illegal to shoot them.
5. Alcohol does not solve any problems, but neither does milk.

Moral to be learned
Partners help each other undress before sex. However after sex, they always dress on their own. Moral of the story: In life, no one helps you once you're screwed.

Duke of Buckingham
05-29-12, 09:03 AM
Adventures in teaching

My friend likes to read his two young sons fairy tales
at night. Having a deep-rooted sense of humor, he often
ad-libs parts of the stories for fun.

One day his youngest son was sitting in his first grade
class as the teacher was reading the story of the Three
Little Pigs.

She came to the part of the story where the first pig was
trying to acquire building materials for his home. She
said "...And so the pig went up to the man with a
wheelbarrow full of straw and said 'Pardon me sir, but might
I have some of that straw to build my house with?'" Then the
teacher asked the class "And what do you think that man said?"
and my friend's son raised his hand and said

"I know! I know! He said 'Holy smokes! A talking pig!'"

http://livinggreenmag.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/05/vegan-pig.jpg

Duke of Buckingham
05-30-12, 11:13 PM
I hit on this page by folksinger Christine Lavin showing the results of automatic translation of some of her song titles to and from a foreign language by the AltaVista automated translation software. For example :
The original song title : Please Don't Make Me Too Happy

To French to English:
Please Not Return To Me Too Happy

To German to English:
Please To Me Do Not Go Back Too Lucky

To Italian To English:
I Pray To Me Not To Go Behind Too Much Fortunate

To Portugese to Eng:
I Pray Me Not To Go Too Much Behind Fortunate

To Spanish To Eng:
I Request To Me Not To Go Too Much Behind Lucky Person

Duke of Buckingham
05-30-12, 11:44 PM
The Most Powerful English Word

Perhaps one of the most interesting and colorful words in the English language today is "F==K". It is the magical word which, just by its sound can describe pain, pleasure, hate, and love. "F==K" falls into many grammatical categories.It can be used as a verb - both transitive (Dave f==ked Anne) and intransitive(Dave then f==ked off home). It can be used as an active verb (Dave f==ks Anne regularly) or as a passive verb (Anne is regularly f==ked by Dave). It makes a wonderful adjective (Anne is f==king beautiful) and can even be a noun (Dave is a fine f==k). So you see, there are not many words with the versatility of "F==K". Besides its sexual connotations, this lovely word can be used to describe many situations :

aggression : F*** you.
apathy : Who gives a f*** anyway?
denial : I didn't f***ing do it.
derision : He f*** everything up
despair : F***ed again.
difficulty : I don't understand this f***ing job.
disbelief : How the f*** did you do that?
dismay : Oh, f*** it.
displeasure : What the f*** is going on?
fraud : I got f***ed by my insurance agent.
goodbye : F*** off.
greeting : How the f*** are you?
incompetence : He's all f***ed up.
lost : Where the f*** are we?
mistake : That's f***ed it.
panic : Let's get the f*** out of here.
perplexity : I know f*** all about it.
philosophical : Who gives a f***?
rebellion : F*** this for a game of soldiers.
resignation : Oh, f*** it.
retaliation : Up your f***ing ass.
surprise : F*** me.
suspicion : Who the f*** are you?
trouble : I guess I'm f***ed now.
It can be...useful in describing anatomy : He's a f***ing asshole.
used to tell the time : It's five f***ng thirty.
used in business : How did I get this f***ing job.
a predication : Oh, will I get f***ed.
maternal : You great motherf***er.
nautical : F*** the admiral.
political : F*** Kinnock/Thatcher.
used to open a relationship : Let's f***.

The word has, of course, been used by some very famous personages through the years, the more notable of them being :

What the f*** was that? Mayor of Hiroshima
Look at all those f***ing Indians! General Custer
Where's all that f***ing water coming from? Captain of the Titanic
What a place to plant a f***ing tree. Marc Bolan
That's not a real f***ing gun. John Lennon
The f***ing throttle's stuck! Donald Campbell
Who's going to f***ing know? President Nixon
I'm outside the f***ing exclusion zone. Capt. of Gen. Belgrano
Heads are going to f***ing roll! Anne Boleyn
Who let that f***ing woman drive? Space Shuttle Captain
Watch him, he'll have some f***er's eye out. King Harold
I thought I could smell f***ing petrol. Nikki Lauda
What f***ing map? Mark Thatcher
It's my best f***ing coat. Michael Foot
She's just a f***ing secretary. Cecil Parkinson
He's just a f***ing mate. Jeremy Thorpe
Any f***er can understand that. Einstein
It f***ing looks like her! Picasso
Where's the f***ing brakes on this thing. Donald Campbell
Where the f*** are we? Christopher Columbus
It's a sunny day, we don't need a f***ing top on the car. JFK
What the f***s that coming down the ventilation shaft. Iraqi airbase staff
Nobody will give a f*** about the poll tax. Margaret Thatcher
How the f*** do we work that out? Pythagoras
You want what on the f***ing ceiling?! Michaelangelo
I don't suppose it's f***ing raining. Joan of Arc
I didn't want to f***ing go anyway. Sebastion Coe
I haven't got a f***ing clue. Miss Marples.

Duke of Buckingham
07-05-12, 04:37 PM
Italian Bad Jokes

A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation.
The lady sitting behind them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following:

"Emma come first.
Den I come.
Den two asses come together.
I come once-a-more.
Two asses, they come together again.
I come again and pee twice.
Then I come one lasta time."
"You foul-mouthed swine, " retorted the lady indignantly. "In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!"

"Hey, coola down lady," said the man.
"Who talkin' abouta sexa? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spella Mississippi."

Duke of Buckingham
07-06-12, 01:02 AM
A Italian man walking along a New Jersey beach was deep in prayer. All of a sudden he said out loud, "God, grant me one wish." Suddenly the sky clouded above his head and in a booming voice the God said, "Because you have had the faith to ask, I will grant you one wish." The man said, "Build a bridge to Italy, so I can drive over anytime I want to."

God said, "Your request is very materialistic. Think of the logistics of that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the ocean! The concrete and steel it would take! I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of another wish, a wish you think would honor and glorify me."

The Italian man thought about it for a long time. Finally he said, "God, I have been married and divorced four times. All of my wives said that I am uncaring and insensitive. Here is my wish: I would like to know how to make an Italian woman happy.

After a few minutes God said, "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"

Duke of Buckingham
07-11-12, 03:28 AM
What Did You Do Today, Honey?

A man came home from work and found his three children outside, still in their pajamas, playing in the mud, with empty food boxes and wrappers strewn all around the front yard.The door of his wife's car was open, as was the front door to the house and there was no sign of the dog.

Proceeding into the entry, he found an even bigger mess. A lamp had been knocked over, and the throw rug was wadded against one wall. In the front room the TV was loudly blaring a cartoon channel, and the family room was strewn with toys and various items of clothing. In the kitchen, dishes filled the sink, breakfast food was spilled on the counter, the fridge door was open wide, dog food was spilled on the floor, a broken glass lay under the table, and a small pile of sand was spread by the back door.

He quickly headed up the stairs, stepping over toys and more piles of clothes, looking for his wife. He was worried she might be ill, or that something serious had happened. He was met with a small trickle of water as it made its way out the bathroom door. As he peered inside he found wet towels, scummy soap and more toys strewn over the floor. Miles of toilet paper lay in a heap and toothpaste had been smeared over the mirror and walls.

As he rushed to the bedroom, he found his wife still curled up in the bed in her pajamas, reading a novel. She looked up at him, smiled, and asked how his day went. He looked at her bewildered and asked, 'What happened here today?' She again smiled and answered, 'You know every day when you come home from work and you ask me what in the world I do all day?' 'Yes,' was his incredulous reply. She answered, 'Well, today I didn't do it.'

Can you relate to the woman in this story? Who does most of the cleaning in your home?

Duke of Buckingham
09-06-12, 09:49 PM
Lighter Than Air

A blonde is overweight so her doctor put her on a diet.
"I want you to eat regularly for two days," he tells her. "Then skip a day and repeat the procedure for two weeks. The next time see you, yo will have lost at least five pounds."
When the blonde returns, she's lost nearly four stone. "Why that's amazing," the doctor says. "Did you follow my instructions?"
The blonde nods. "I'll tell you though, I thought I was going to drop dead that third day."
"From hunger you mean?" Asks the doctor.
"No," replies the blonde, "from skipping."


Confessions

The priest was waiting on Saturday afternoon for his usual parade of people coming to confession. In comes a man so drunk, he is stumbling down the aisle, bouncing from pew to pew. Finally he finds the confessional, goes in, and shuts the door.

The priest goes in his side and waits. Nothing happens. He clears his throat so the fellow might know he is there and ready. No reaction. Finally, he starts losing his patience and bangs sharply on the wall three times.

The drunk fellow in the confessional says, "It's no use knockin'...There's no paper in here either!"

Duke of Buckingham
09-08-12, 05:30 AM
Drunk Husband

Joe wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's Christmas Party. He didn't even remember how he got home from the party. As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong.

Joe had to force himself to open his eyes, & the first thing he saw is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose! Joe sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean & pressed. He looks around the room & sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean.

So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror.
Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in lipstick:

"Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get groceries to make you your favorite dinner tonight. I love you, Darling! Love, Jillian"

He stumbles to the kitchen & sure enough, there is hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating. Joe asks, "Son, what happened last night?"

"Well, you came home after 3 A.M drunk & out of your mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke it, then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door."

Confused, he asked his son, "So, why is everything in such perfect order and so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?"

His son replies, "Oh THAT!... Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, 'Leave me alone bitch, I'm married!'"

Broken Coffee Table $239.99
Hot Breakfast $4.20
Two Aspirins $.38
Saying the right thing, at the right time...... PRICELESS !!

Fire$torm
09-13-12, 04:13 PM
Joe wakes up..........

Great joke Duke! Had me rolling.

Duke of Buckingham
09-13-12, 08:16 PM
Nice that you liked F$.

As I have been living under a curse for more than 30 years so I went to a Wizard in search of some help.

The Wizard said "maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you."

I said without hesitation "I now pronounce you man and wife".

Very Crazy Duke

Duke of Buckingham
09-15-12, 11:08 PM
Answering machine message

Hello. This is Ron's answering machine, Marvin, and I'm so depressed. I have 50,000 times the memory capacity of my owner, but all I get to do is answer the phone. Life. Don't talk to me about life. Just leave your name and number after the beep. Here comes the beep, how I hate that beep, it's so cheery sounding.

Fire$torm
09-16-12, 03:36 AM
Answering machine message

Hello. This is Ron's answering machine, Marvin, and I'm so depressed. I have 50,000 times the memory capacity of my owner, but all I get to do is answer the phone. Life. Don't talk to me about life. Just leave your name and number after the beep. Here comes the beep, how I hate that beep, it's so cheery sounding.


Hahaha... That answering machine is a take off of Marvin, the Paranoid Android from The Hitchhiker's Guide To The Galaxy (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hitchhiker%27s_guide_to_the_galaxy) which is one of my fav book series. :-bd

Duke of Buckingham
09-16-12, 03:46 AM
:) Completely crazy isn't it? A little bit like me. :p

:D I laugh a lot with this next one. This is one of my best moments of the day, trying to look for a joke but some just can not be posted. :o

We have the standard 6 ft. fence in the backyard, and a few months ago, I heard about burglaries increasing dramatically in the entire city. To make sure this never happened to me, I got an electric fence and ran a single wire along the top of the fence.

Actually, I got the biggest cattle charger Tractor Supply had, made for 26 miles of fence. I then used an 8 ft. long ground rod, and drove it 7.5 feet into the ground. The ground rod is the key, with the more you have in the ground, the better the fence works.

One day I'm mowing the back yard with my cheapo Wal-Mart 6 hp big wheel push mower. The hot wire is broken and laying out in the yard. I knew for a fact that I unplugged the charger. I pushed the mower around the wire and reached down to grab it, to throw it out of the way.

It seems as though I hadn't remembered to unplug it after all.

Now I'm standing there, I've got the running lawnmower in my right hand and the 1.7 giga-volt fence wire in the other hand. Keep in mind the charger is about the size of a marine battery and has a picture of an upside down cow on fire on the cover.

Time stood still.

The first thing I notice is my pecker trying to climb up the front side of my body. My ears curled downwards and I could feel the lawnmower ignition firing in the backside of my brain. Every time that Briggs & Stratton rolled over, I could feel the spark in my head. I was literally at one with the engine.

It seems as though the fence charger and the piece of **** lawnmower were fighting over who would control my electrical impulses.

Science says you cannot crap, pee, and vomit at the same time. I beg to differ. Not only did I do all three at once, but my bowels emptied 3 different times in less than half of a second. It was a Matrix kind of bowel movement, where time is creeping along and you're all leaned back and BAM BAM BAM you just crap your pants 3 times. It seemed like there were minutes in between but in reality it was so close together it was like exhaust pulses from a big block Chevy turning 8 grand.

At this point I'm about 30 minutes (maybe 2 seconds) into holding onto the fence wire. My hand is wrapped around the wire palm down so I can't let go. I grew up on a farm so I know all about electric fences.....but Dad always had those cheap-o chargers made by International or whoever that were like 9 volts and just kinda tickled.
This one I could not let go of. The 8 foot long ground rod is now accepting signals from me through the permadamp Ark-La-Tex river bottom soil. At this point I'm thinking I'm going to have to just man up and take it, until the lawnmower runs out of gas.

'Damn!,' I think, as I remember I just filled the tank!

Now the lawnmower is starting to run rough. It has settled into a loping run pattern as if it had some kind of big lawnmower race cam in it. Covered in poop, pee, and with my vomit on my chest I think 'Oh God please die... Pleeeeaze die'. But nooooo, it settles into the rough lumpy cam idle nicely and remains there, like a big bore roller cam EFI motor waiting for the go command from its owner's right foot.

So here I am in the middle of July, 104 degrees, 80% humidity, standing in my own backyard, begging God to kill me. God did not take me that day.....he left me there covered in my own fluids to writhe in the misery my own stupidity had created.

I honestly don't know how I got loose from the wire...I woke up laying on the ground hours later. The lawnmower was beside me, out of gas. It was later on in the day and I was sunburned.

There were two large dead grass spots where I had been standing, and then another long skinny dead spot where the wire had laid while I was on the ground still holding on to it. I assume I finally had a seizure and in the resulting thrashing had somehow let go of the wire.

Upon waking from my electrically induced sleep I realized a few things:

1- Three of my teeth seem to have melted.

2- I now have cramps in the bottoms of my feet and my right butt cheek (not the left, just the right).

3- Poop, pee, and vomit when all mixed together, do not smell as bad as you might think.

4- My left eye will not open.

5- My right eye will not close.

6- The lawnmower runs like a sumbitch now. Seriously! I think our little session cleared out some carbon fouling or something, because it was better than new after that.

7- My nuts are still smaller than average yet they are almost a foot long.

8- I can turn on the TV in the game room by farting while thinking of the number 4 (still don't understand this???)..

That day changed my life. I now have a newfound respect for things.. I appreciate the little things more, and now I always triple check to make sure the fence is unplugged before I mow.

The good news, is that if a burglar does try to come over the fence, I can clear.

Duke of Buckingham
09-18-12, 12:27 AM
Irish Jokes

1
O'Malley, a plumber by profession, was called by a lady with an emergency in her bathroom. Arriving at the scene, he turned off the water with a sigh, and replaced the faucet washer, ending the emergency. The lady was nice-looking, and lonely to boot, so before long Sean was helping her to heat up the bedroom. About four-thirty, the telephone rang, and after she hung up, the lady told O'Malley: "That was my husband. He'll be home in about half an hour, but he'll be leaving on a business trip to Chicago this evening at seven. Why don't you come back at about seven-thirty, and we'll continue where we left off?" "Saints!" exclamed Sean, aghast. "On me own time?"

2
The Irish water polo team drowned four horses during the first chukka.

3
The first Irish National Steeplechase was finally abandoned. Not one horse could get a descent footing on the cathedral roof.

Duke of Buckingham
09-21-12, 09:50 AM
Needles

http://www.cartoonstock.com/newscartoons/cartoonists/lca/lowres/lcan66l.jpg

http://www.cartoonstock.com/newscartoons/cartoonists/jko/lowres/jkon821l.jpg

http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_kkVMabLpsv0/TA77cWPVrDI/AAAAAAAABR8/WOpXmT2fMos/s400/I+hate+needles.jpg

http://www.cartoonstock.com/lowres/rde3440l.jpg

Duke of Buckingham
09-30-12, 01:28 AM
http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_FLUWDWr_WT8/TNxWuPe8z9I/AAAAAAAABYQ/V7hSjmxhMgA/s1600/BigBeerGlass.jpg

Duke of Buckingham
10-03-12, 08:34 AM
The Man Dictionary


"IT'S A GUY THING"
Translated: "There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical."

"CAN I HELP WITH DINNER?"
Translated: "Why isn't it already on the table?"

"UH HUH," "SURE, HONEY," OR "YES, DEAR"
Translated: Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response.

"IT WOULD TAKE TOO LONG TO EXPLAIN"
Translated: "I have no idea how it works."

"I WAS LISTENING TO YOU. IT'S JUST THAT I HAVE THINGS ON MY MIND."
Translated: "I was wondering if that redhead over there is wearing a bra."

"TAKE A BREAK HONEY, YOU'RE WORKING TOO HARD."
Translated: "I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."

"THAT'S INTERESTING, DEAR."
Translated: "Are you still talking?"

"YOU KNOW HOW BAD MY MEMORY IS."
Translated: "I remember the theme song to 'F Troop', the address of the first girl I ever kissed, and the vehicle identification numbers of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday."

"I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT YOU, AND GOT YOU THESE ROSES."
Translated: "The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe."

"OH, DON'T FUSS - I JUST CUT MYSELF, IT'S NO BIG DEAL."
Translated: "I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit that I'm hurt."

"I CAN'T FIND IT."
Translated: "It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless."

"WHAT DID I DO THIS TIME?"
Translated: "What did you catch me at?"

"I HEARD YOU."
Translated: "I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next three days yelling at me."

"YOU KNOW I COULD NEVER LOVE ANYONE ELSE."
Translated: "I am used to the way you yell at me, and realize it could be worse."

"YOU LOOK TERRIFIC."
Translated: "Oh, God, please don't try on one more outfit, I'm starving."

"I'M NOT LOST. I KNOW EXACTLY WHERE WE ARE."
Translated: "No one will ever see us alive again."

Duke of Buckingham
10-03-12, 11:32 AM
Point of View

An English professor wrote the words, "A woman without her man is nothing" on the blackboard and directed the students to punctuate it correctly.

The men wrote: "A woman, without her man, is nothing."

The women wrote: "A woman: without her, man is nothing."

Duke of Buckingham
10-17-12, 04:16 PM
http://www.cartoonstock.com/newscartoons/cartoonists/msi/lowres/msin309l.jpg

Duke of Buckingham
10-18-12, 09:49 AM
http://www.jokedujour.com/archive/EmailJokes.jpg

Poor Duke

Duke of Buckingham
10-18-12, 09:06 PM
http://images.lolstream.com/assets/media_show/885__baf4b3be9817aef7dbfb22ccf8da82e0.jpg

http://images.lolstream.com/assets/media_show/1471__d292f5379a03d8266784d264d7b24705.gif

http://images.lolstream.com/assets/media_show/1010__821c3134686c6ca802212f144fbc7663.jpg

http://images.lolstream.com/assets/media_show/1636__09815bc5d239dfd7990c683d735cc79c.gif

http://images.lolstream.com/assets/media_show/1522__508199225697c45b12fc9d0a0a5898fa.gif

http://images.lolstream.com/assets/media_show/1479__989973ca57cdce92abb715b8cc1f80c6.gif

http://images.lolstream.com/assets/media_show/1633__38b7a19456e6e944be20cd71dc1a306b.jpg

http://images.lolstream.com/assets/media_show/1534__7f642ef5caf8000aeb356b8d6107502f.gif

http://images.lolstream.com/assets/media_show/35__f96ff464e682022282b3a3671927f56c.gif

http://images.lolstream.com/assets/media_show/1186__b484172ca35baa2e923331ec5d3e5de7.jpg

http://images.lolstream.com/assets/media_show/751__70cf1d264fe39ce0c1766f313fb26946.gif

http://images.lolstream.com/assets/media_show/1441__7ba409a78b41b2da2bc1be13f0c28042.jpg

Duke of Buckingham
10-20-12, 06:57 AM
http://i.chzbgr.com/completestore/2012/3/8/57930a90-a42b-41c4-ac78-9c6890c89db6.jpg

https://i.chzbgr.com/completestore/12/8/11/luH4Nu1R5U-rOe9AcPqMpQ2.jpg

http://farm2.staticflickr.com/1365/1104606558_9dcccddfc5_z.jpg

http://sphotos-b.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-prn1/c0.0.300.300/p403x403/29811_426969524027335_1136727533_n.jpg

http://i.chzbgr.com/completestore/2009/6/19/128899228137113159.jpg

http://i.chzbgr.com/completestore/2009/4/15/128842762504976093.jpg

http://culdesacchronicles.files.wordpress.com/2012/07/bad-hair-baby.jpg

http://files-cdn.formspring.me/photos/20120312/n4f5e07dcd55b3.jpg

http://glennobrien.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/07/Donald-Trump-Bad-Hair-Photo-1.jpg

http://i285.photobucket.com/albums/ll50/arellano3489/mr-bean-has-had-a-baby-man-its-ugly.jpg

Duke of Buckingham
10-20-12, 09:43 PM
http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-6zhUc6LuCBw/T9NwNmWFi9I/AAAAAAAABRY/1psiMG1iNLU/s640/joke+4.jpg

Duke of Buckingham
10-23-12, 09:06 PM
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Duke of Buckingham
10-25-12, 09:28 AM
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Duke of Buckingham
10-28-12, 11:52 AM
YOU KNOW YOU ARE PORTUGUESE IF ...

The day after you got married, your wife's immediate family moved into your house, permanently...

The plastic covering is still on your lamp shades...

Every person you've ever introduced to your husband, has been a relative of yours...

There are two refrigerators in your house. One for regular food, the other strictly for fish, linguiça and chouriço...

There are more than three pictures of The Last Supper hanging in your kitchen...

There is a bullfighter figurine on your coffee table...

You keep fifty bags of concrete in your garage in case of emergency...

Your bikini line begins at your neck and ends at your knees...

You're at the church wearing a lime green, polyester, tuxedo with high-water pants and a purple ruffled shirt and you're not even in the wedding party...

You got sick of mowing the grass every week, so you just paved the entire lawn...

Your 99 year old grandmother wears a heavy, long black dress with a matching shawl at the beach...

Every Sunday morning after Mass, you spend three hours in line at the bakery waiting for fresh bread...

Your car has hundreds of purple sticky splotches all over it from grapes that have fallen off the vine that's growing over your driveway...

Your mom has finally worn out the pair of sandals she's been wearing since 1981, but has 68 brand new pairs just like them in her closet...

You can't find your favorite blanket, because your mom is using it to cover 12 loaves of sweetbread in the kitchen...

You've been drinking red table wine since the age of six, and could out drink your Uncle Carlos by the time you were nine...

Popcorn at the movies? Not when there's plenty of Fried Fava Beans in the house...

Every Sunday when your Uncle Joao drinks too much, he kicks a soccer ball around the yard yelling out, "GOOOOOAAAAAAAL"...

Your kitchen always smells faintly of Cod fish and Comet...

You have more than 10 fruit magnets on the front of your fridge...

The pet rabbit you named "Fluffy" on Monday became dinner on Wednesday...

You were the only eight year old in your Girl Scout Troop who had a fully developed moustache...

There are more saints in your front yard than in your church...

Every time you look down at your dinner plate, there's something with eyeballs staring back at you...

You have more than half dozen plastic saints on your dashboard, a rosary hanging from the rear view mirror and four stuffed doggies with bobbing heads on the rear deck...

You've converted the basement of your house into an apartment for your cousin Fatima who's moving here from San Miguel...

The top of your house is painted "electric blue," the bottom is painted "puke green" and the brick wall out front is a lovely shade of "sickly purple"...

You have at least 14 Uncle Manny's on both sides of the family...

On your first date with a boy, you sat on the sofa, he sat on the sofa and your father sat between you both...

When you were a kid, there were always fights in your house over who got to eat the egg from the sweetbread on Easter...

There's one room in your house where the furniture is completely covered in plastic, the floor is completely covered with plastic runners and YOU ARE NEVER, EVER ALLOWED TO GO IN THERE UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES. NEVER! DO YOU HEAR ME? I SAID NEVER!


Tomorrow: "You know you are American when..."
So don't laugh too much the revenge is coming.

Duke of Buckingham
10-30-12, 01:56 PM
You Know You’re In America When…

A pizza can get to your house faster than an ambulance.

There are handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.

People order double cheese burgers, a large fry, and a diet coke.

Banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.

People leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and leave useless things and junk in boxes in the garage.

People use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won’t miss a call from someone we didn’t want to talk to in the first place.

People sell hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.

People use the word "politics" to describe the process so well: "Poli" in latin meaning "many" and "tics" meaning "blood-sucking creatures."


You think Heinz Ketchup is SPICY!
You've watched the movie "Deliverance" and you're afraid to ever go on a camping trip.
For breakfast, you'd rather have potatoes than grits.
You can name at least 4 hockey teams.
You don't know what a moon pie is.
You've never eaten Okra.
You wonder why people in restaurants don't talk as loud as you do.
You have never planned your summer vacation around a gun-and-knife show.
You don't have any problems pronouncing "Worcestershire sauce" correctly.
You've never had grain alcohol.
You are familiar with all the rules to Lacrosse.
You have no idea what a polecat is.
You don't see anything wrong with putting a sweater on a poodle.
You don't have bangs.

Duke of Buckingham
11-18-12, 06:59 AM
Wife's Last Words

Tina was on her deathbed, with her husband Mike at her side.

He held her cold hand as silent tears streamed down his face.

"Mike," she said weakly.

"Hush my darling," he interrupted, "don't talk, save your strength."

But she insisted, "Mike, before I die, there's something that I have to confess."

"There is nothing to confess," said the weeping husband. "It's all right. Everything's all right."

"No, no. I must die in peace. I must confess that I have been unfaithful to you."

He stroked her hand, "Now, Tina, don't be concerned. I know all about it."

"You do?" she gasped.

"Sure darling, why else would I poison you?"

http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_E1j8gmCIr9w/S9mZPQDZuhI/AAAAAAAAHGc/-Jy6waQo-bQ/s1600/Wife_Soup.jpg

Duke of Buckingham
11-19-12, 11:23 AM
http://www.remarkable-communication.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/04/bad_idea_lol.bmp

Duke of Buckingham
11-21-12, 09:22 PM
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Duke of Buckingham
11-26-12, 09:22 PM
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Duke of Buckingham
11-29-12, 07:58 PM
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Duke of Buckingham
11-30-12, 09:50 PM
http://www.total-life-center.com/images/twitter-jokes.jpg

http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-Xtbky24enD0/UA8MEOy6i1I/AAAAAAAAAHA/CL7GbybxAdU/s1600/531666_367481849990207_507834555_n.jpg

Duke of Buckingham
12-03-12, 09:47 AM
Funny Quotes

What sane person could live in this world and not be crazy?
Ursula K. LeGuin

We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.
Phyllis Diller

A hen is only an egg's way of making another egg.
Samuel Butler

If you want to make an apple pie from scratch, you must first create the universe.
Carl Sagan

Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.
Redd Foxx

Some people like my advice so much that they frame it upon the wall instead of using it.
Gordon R. Dickson

One of the lessons of history is that Nothing is often a good thing to do and always a clever thing to say.
Will Durant

Telling the truth to people who misunderstand you is generally promoting a falsehood, isn't it?
Anonymous

By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you'll be happy. If you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher...and that is a good thing for any man.
Socrates

My neighbour asked if he could use my lawnmower and I told him of course he could, so long as he didn't take it out of my garden.
Eric Morecambe

The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans are suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they're okay, then it's you."
Rita Mae Brown

Show me a sane man and I will cure him for you.
Carl Gustav Jung

I never set out to be weird. It was always the other people who called me weird.
Frank Zappa

If you don't want to work, you have to work to earn enough money so that you won't have to work.
Ogden Nash

Science may be described as the art of systematic over-simplification.
Sir Karl Raymund Popper

Isn't it strange? The same people who laugh at gypsy fortune tellers take economists seriously.
Cincinnati Enquirer

Any fool can criticize, condemn, and complain - and most fools do.
Dale Carnegie

Half our life is spent trying to find something to do with the time we have rushed through life trying to save.
Will Rogers

In the begining there was nothing and God said 'Let there be light', and there was still nothing but everybody could see it.
Dave Thomas

God gave us a penis and a brain, but only enough blood to run one at a time.
Robin Williams

Ageing isn't that bad if you consider the alternatives.
Maurice Chevalier

Have you ever noticed? Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac.
George Carlen

Is it progress if a cannibal uses knife and fork?
Stanislaw Lec

Duke of Buckingham
12-08-12, 11:12 AM
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Duke of Buckingham
12-22-12, 07:50 PM
http://mydailycow.files.wordpress.com/2012/08/farmer_in_the_dell.jpg

https://mydailycow.files.wordpress.com/2011/12/cow_coraline_header1.jpg

Duke of Buckingham
12-23-12, 11:19 AM
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http://www.thefunnyblog.org/img/new%20year%20resolution%20lose%20weight%20buy%20bi gger%20basket%20funny%20cat.jpg

http://jokesprank.com/blog/wp-content/uploads/2010/12/new-year-cartoon.jpg

http://lincolnshireblog.com/media/blogs/a/Misc/Cartoon%20of%20the%20year.jpg

http://mudmap.files.wordpress.com/2012/01/ny1.jpg

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http://sphotos-b.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-snc6/c0.0.403.403/p403x403/224958_10151162306177611_434532092_n.jpg

Duke of Buckingham
01-09-13, 01:21 AM
Lazy Duke

http://thechive.files.wordpress.com/2012/10/lazy-level-10.jpg?w=500

Duke of Buckingham
01-15-13, 10:47 PM
For F$ and PEACE

Inner peace

I think I have found inner peace. I read an article that said the way to achieve inner peace is to finish things I had started.

Today I finished two bags of potato chips, a chocolate pudding, a bottle of wine and a small box of chocolates.

I feel better already.

Duke of Buckingham
01-17-13, 02:40 AM
http://cdn.mdjunction.com/components/com_joomlaboard/uploaded/images/431244_3487078781154_1396959357_33290822_159158285 5_n.jpg

Duke of Buckingham
01-18-13, 07:21 AM
Portugal
A man is visiting an old friend when a little girl races through the room.
''Diploma,'' the friend calls after her, ''bring us two cups of coffee.''
''Diploma? What an odd name,'' says the visitor. ''How did she get it?''
The friend sighs. ''I sent my daughter to study at the university in Lisbon, and that's what she came back with.''

Duke of Buckingham
01-19-13, 10:32 PM
http://cdn.motinetwork.net/demotivationalposters.net/image/demotivational-poster/1105/fill-the-world-with-light-and-joy-lol-demotivational-posters-1306578274.jpg

Duke of Buckingham
01-21-13, 04:05 AM
Why it's difficult to shop overseas

http://www3.sympatico.ca/srajano/images/shoppi1.jpg

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c303a
01-25-13, 02:00 PM
Curtis & Leroy saw an ad in the Starkville Daily in Starkville, MS and bought a mule for $100.

The farmer agreed to deliver the mule the next day.

The next morning the farmer drove up and said,"Sorry, fellows, I have some bad news, the mule died last night."

Curtis & Leroy replied,"Well, then just give us our money back."

The farmer said,"Can't do that. I went and spent it already."

They said, "OK then, just bring us the dead mule."

The farmer asked, "What in the world ya'll gonna do with a dead mule?"

Curtis said, "We gonna raffle him off."

The farmer said, "You can't raffle off a dead mule!"

Leroy said, "We shore can! Heck, we don't hafta tell nobody he's dead!"


A couple of weeks later, the farmer ran into Curtis & Leroy at the Piggly Wiggly grocery store and asked.

"What'd you fellers ever do with that dead mule?"

They said,"We raffled him off like we said we wuz gonna do."

Leroy said,"Shucks, we sold 500 tickets fer two dollars apiece and made a profit of $998."

The farmer said,"My Lord, didn't anyone complain?"

Curtis said,"Well, the feller who won got upset. So we gave him his two dollars back."

Curtis and Leroy now work for the government.

They're overseeing the Bailout & Stimulus Programs.

Duke of Buckingham
01-31-13, 10:12 AM
Irish Declare War On France

The French President, is sitting in his office when his telephone rings.

"Hallo, Mr. Sarkozy!" a heavily accented voice said. "This is Paddy down at the Harp Pub in County Clare, Ireland. I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you!"

"Well, Paddy," Sarkozy replied, "This is indeed important news! How big is your army?"

"Right now," says Paddy, after a moment's calculation, "there is meself, me cousin Sean, me next door neighbour Seamus, and the entire darts team from the pub. That makes eight!"

Sarkozy paused. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100,000 men in my army waiting to move on my command."

"Begoora!" says Paddy. "I'll have to ring you back."

Sure enough, the next day, Paddy calls again. "Mr. Sarkozy, the war is still on. We have managed to get us some infantry equipment!"

"And what equipment would that be Paddy?" Sarkozy asks.

"Well, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Murphy's farm tractor."

Sarkozy sighs amused. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 6,000 tanks and 5,000 armored personnel carriers. Also, I have increased my army to 150,000 since we last spoke."

"Saints preserve us!" says Paddy. "I'll have to get back to you."

Sure enough, Paddy rings again the next day. "Mr. Sarkozy, the war is still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We have modified Jackie McLaughlin's ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four boys from the Shamrock Bar have joined us as well!"

Sarkozy was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100 bombers and 200 fighter planes. My military bases are surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last spoke, I have increased my army to 200,000!"

"Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!" says Paddy, "I will have to ring you back."

Sure enough, Paddy calls again the next day. "Top o' the mornin', Mr. Sarkozy! I am sorry to inform you that we have had to call off the war."

"Really? I am sorry to hear that," says Sarkozy. "Why the sudden change of heart?"

"Well," says Paddy, "we had a long chat over a few pints of Guinness, and we decided there is no fookin' way we can feed 200,000 prisoners.


Stopped For Speeding

An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut.

The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car. He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?"

"Just water," says the priest.

The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?"

The priest looks at the bottle and says,
"Good Lord! He's done it again!"

Duke of Buckingham
03-01-13, 10:41 PM
I am falling for you ...

http://s3-ec.buzzfed.com/static/enhanced/webdr02/2013/1/22/10/anigif_enhanced-buzz-13957-1358868276-1.gif

c303a
04-20-13, 03:44 PM
You can't beat kids for great answers!













A Baptist pastor was presenting a children's sermon. During the
sermon, he asked the children if they knew what the resurrection was.
Now, asking questions during children's sermons is crucial, but at the
same time, asking children questions in front of a congregation can
also be very dangerous.

Having asked the children if they knew the meaning of the
resurrection, a little boy raised his hand........

















http://www.setiusa.us/X.MA1.1366484407@aol.com










The pastor called on him and the little boy said, "I know that if you have a resurrection that lasts more than four hours you are supposed to call the doctor."

It took over ten minutes for the congregation to settle down enough for the service to continue.

{KWSN}Gemjunkie[TeaM]
05-17-13, 03:23 AM
I'm selling my pet python on ebay.

Some bloke just rang up and asked is it big? I said massive.

He said how many feet? I said none, it's a snake.



http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9CdVTCDdEwI

c303a
06-10-13, 02:55 PM
Tomatoes

An unemployed man is desperate to support his family of a wife and

three kids.

He applies for a janitor's job at a large firm and easily passes an

aptitude test.

The human resources manager tells him, "You will be hired at minimum

wage of $5.35 an hour. Let me have your e-mail address so that we can

get you in the loop. Our system will automatically e-mail you all the

forms and advise you when to start and where to report on your first

day."

Taken aback, the man protests that he is poor and has neither a

computer nor an e-mail address.

To this the manager replies, "You must understand that to a company

like ours that means that you virtually do not exist. Without an

e-mail address you can hardly expect to be employed by a high-tech

firm. Good day."

Stunned, the man leaves. Not knowing where to turn and having $10 in

his wallet, he walks past a farmers' market and sees a stand selling

25 lb. crates of beautiful red tomatoes. He buys a crate, carries it

to a busy corner and displays the tomatoes. In less than 2 hours he

sells all the tomatoes and makes 100% profit. Repeating the process

several times more that day, he ends up with almost $100 and arrives

home that night with several bags of groceries for his family.

During the night he decides to repeat the tomato business the next

day. By the end of the week he is getting up early every day and

working into the night. He multiplies his profits quickly.

Early in the second week he acquires a cart to transport several

boxes of tomatoes at a time, but before a month is up he sells the

cart to buy a broken-down pickup truck.

At the end of a year he owns three old trucks. His two sons have left

their neighborhood gangs to help him with the tomato business, his

wife is buying the tomatoes, and his daughter is taking night courses

at the community college so she can keep books for him.

By the end of the second year he has a dozen very nice used trucks

and employs fifteen previously unemployed people, all selling

tomatoes. He continues to work hard.

Time passes and at the end of the fifth year he owns a fleet of nice

trucks and a warehouse that his wife supervises, plus two tomato

farms that the boys manage. The tomato company's payroll has put

hundreds of homeless and jobless people to work. His daughter reports

that the business grossed over one million dollars.

Planning for the future, he decides to buy some life insurance.

Consulting with an insurance adviser, he picks an insurance plan to

fit his new circumstances. Then the adviser asks him for his e-mail

address in order to send the final documents electronically.

When the man replies that he doesn't have time to mess with a

computer and has no e-mail address, the insurance man is stunned,

"What, you don't have e-mail? No computer? No Internet? Just think

where you would be today if you'd had all of that five years ago!"

"Ha!" snorts the man. "If I'd had e-mail five years ago I would be

sweeping floors at Microsoft and making $5.35 an hour."

Which brings us to the moral of the story:

Since you got this story by e-mail (or on an internet forum), you're

probably closer to being a janitor than a millionaire.

Sadly, I received it also.

Duke of Buckingham
06-11-13, 03:31 PM
One night, Mrs McMillen answers the door to see her husbands best friend, Paddy, standing on the doorstep.

"Hello Paddy, but where is my husband? He went with you to the beer factory"

Paddy shook his head. "Ah Mrs McMillen, there was a terrible accident at the beer factory, your husband fell into a vat of Guinness stout and drowned"

Mrs McMillen starts crying. "Oh don't tell me that, did he at least go quickly?"

Paddy shakes his head. "Not really - he got out 3 times to pee!"

Fire$torm
06-13-13, 04:43 PM
:)) I love the tomato story.... :-bd

Duke of Buckingham
06-14-13, 02:50 AM
A quiet man, is a thinking man. A quiet woman, is usually mad.

Duke of Buckingham
06-23-13, 05:10 AM
Little Johnny came home from catechism class and asked his father
- Father, when Jesus was resurrected, He appeared first to women and not men?
- I don't know why, my son! Maybe it's because he wanted the news to spread faster!

Duke of Buckingham
07-15-13, 06:55 PM
A Meal to Die For

Previous Next

There was an Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman working on the top of a cliff. The Englishman said, "If I have cheese in my sandwich tomorrow, I'll jump off this cliff."

The Scotsman said, "If I have jam in my sandwich tomorrow, I'll jump off the cliff."

The Irishman said, "If I have ham tomorrow, I'll jump off the cliff."

The next day, the Englishman had cheese, the Irishman had ham, and the Scotsman had jam. So they all jumped.

At the funerals, the wives of the Scotsman and Englishman said, "Why didn't they just tell us they didn't like their sandwiches?"

The Irish lady said, "I don't know why my husband jumped off the cliff. He made his own sandwiches."

Duke of Buckingham
07-22-13, 03:56 PM
- Father, I need to do a work for school! Can I ask you a question?

- Of course, my son, what is the question?

- What is political, father?

- Well, politics involves: People, Government, Economic power, Working class; and the Future of the country.

- I don't understand, can you explain?

- Well, I will use our home as an example: Who brings money home is me, so I'm the economic power. Your mother manages and spends money, then she is the government. As you take care of her needs, you are the people. Your brother is the future of the country. The Zefinha, his nanny, is the working class. Got it, son?

- More or less, I will think better father.

That night, awakened by the cries of his little brother the boy went to see what was wrong. Found that his brother had soiled his diaper and was all smudged. He went to his parents' room and saw that his mother was in a very deep sleep. he went to his nanny's room and through the keyhole he could see his father fucking her ... As the two didn't perceived the beats the boy gave up from beating in the door, he returned to his room and slept. The next morning at breakfast, he said to his father:

- Dad, now I think I understand what politics is ...

- Great son! So explain to me with your words.

- Good father, I think is this: While the economic power fucks the working class, the government is in a deep asleep. The people are totally ignored and the future of the country is in the shit!

Someone Bad Joke :D

Duke of Buckingham
07-26-13, 05:45 PM
https://fbcdn-sphotos-d-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-prn1/45880_590002281051349_1713009713_n.jpg

Translation:
Is there life after death?
hop the fence
and find out.

Fire$torm
07-27-13, 11:21 AM
https://fbcdn-sphotos-d-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-prn1/45880_590002281051349_1713009713_n.jpg

Translation:
Is there life after death?
hop the fence
and find out.

Yeah, I'd like to know. Okay Duke, you go first.... :D

Duke of Buckingham
07-27-13, 11:59 AM
A man goes into a pet shop to buy a parrot. The shop owner points to three identical-looking parrots on a perch and says, "The parrot on the left costs $500."

"Why does it cost so much?" asks the customer.

"Well," the owner explains, "that parrot knows how to do legal research."

The customer asks about the next parrot and is informed that it costs $1,000 because it can do everything the first parrot can do plus it knows how to write a brief that will win any case.

Naturally, the increasingly startled customer asks about the third parrot.

"$4,000," says the shop owner proudly.

"Wow!" the customer exclaims. "What can he do?!"

"To be honest," the shop owner admits, "I've never seen him do a darn thing, but the other two call him Senior Partner."

Duke of Buckingham
07-28-13, 04:50 PM
“Blind Portuguese Man”

One day while cruising Wall Mart I saw this blind Portuguese guy walking towards me as he was being pulled by his “Seeing Eye” dog. Suddenly he pulled the dog off the floor by it’s leash as it choked and started swinging it around in a circle. A store clerk ran up to him and cried, ” Mister, mister are you all right?” The man replied with ”I’m fine… just looking around.”

Duke of Buckingham
08-13-13, 01:08 PM
Milk Bath

A blonde heard that milk baths would make her beautiful. So she left a note for her milkman to leave 15 gallons of milk.

When the milkman read the note, he felt there must be a mistake. He thought she probably meant 1.5 gallons so he knocked on her door to clarify the point.

The blonde came to the door and the milkman said, "I found your note to leave 15 gallons of milk. Did you mean 1.5 gallons?"

The blonde said, "I want 15 gallons. I'm going to fill my bathtub up with milk and take a milk bath."

The milkman asked, "Do you want it Pasteurized?"

The blonde said, "No, just up to my boobs, I can splash it in my eyes."

Duke of Buckingham
08-22-13, 07:54 PM
A Chinese man rings his boss, “Me no work I sick.”
Boss says, “When I’m sick, I make love with my wife. Try that.”
Two hours later the Chinese man rings back, “Me better, you got nice house.”

Slicker
08-23-13, 02:28 PM
Empathy for a homesick snowbird
I was in Jefferson City, Missouri the other day and saw a bumper sticker on a parked car that read, "I miss Chicago."
So I broke the window, stole the radio, shot out two of the tires, added an Obama bumper sticker on the bumper and left a note that read, "I hope this helps!"

Duke of Buckingham
08-26-13, 06:05 PM
Aliens Attack


President Dubya was awakened one night by an urgent call from the Pentagon.

"Mr. President," said the four-star general, barely able to contain himself, "there's good news & bad news."

"Oh, no," muttered the President, "Well, let me have the bad news first."

"The bad news, sir, is that we've been invaded by creatures from another planet."

"Gosh, and the good news?"

"The good news, sir, is that they eat reporters and pee oil."

John P. Myers
11-11-13, 12:31 AM
Q: Why did the one-handed man cross the road?

A: To get to the second hand shop.

Duke of Buckingham
11-12-13, 10:02 AM
http://www.funnyvooz.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/08/help9.jpg

Duke of Buckingham
11-16-13, 03:31 AM
"Frank, if you have 20 dollars and Bill takes away 14. What would you have?” said the teacher.

"A fight!” answers Frank.

Duke of Buckingham
11-16-13, 03:37 PM
http://mumblingnerd.files.wordpress.com/2011/09/a-bigger-selection-of-short-jokes-and-word-play.jpg?w=300&h=300

Duke of Buckingham
11-20-13, 08:57 AM
A little kid gets on a city bus, sits right behind the driver, and starts talking loudly, "If my dad was a bull and my mom a cow, I'd be a little bull."

The driver gets annoyed as the kids continues to yammer on. "If my dad was an rooster and my mom a hen, I would be a little chick."

The kid goes on and on with all the animals he knows, when finally, the bus driver yells, "What if your dad was a bum and your mom was a drunk?"

The kid smiles and says, "I'd be a bus driver."


Q: What's the definition of diplomacy?

A: The ability to tell a person to go to hell in such a way that they look forward to the trip.

Duke of Buckingham
11-21-13, 10:07 AM
http://www.jantoo.com/cartoons/lowres/599/59930231_low.jpg

Duke of Buckingham
11-22-13, 12:13 AM
https://s-media-cache-ec0.pinimg.com/736x/87/ea/74/87ea74aad46641d5647760bf9eb0f9e0.jpg

https://s-media-cache-ec0.pinimg.com/736x/ae/4b/6e/ae4b6e76c285a5dfe729de67cd1bd3f2.jpg

https://s-media-cache-ec0.pinimg.com/736x/67/5d/8a/675d8a34e192c6c857ec0bdce4fa4e22.jpg

Duke of Buckingham
11-26-13, 09:09 AM
Mad Cow Concern


A husband and wife go to a restaurant. The waiter approaches the table to take their order.

"I'll have your biggest, juiciest steak," says the husband.

"But sir, what about the mad cow?" asks the waiter.

"Oh," says the husband, "she'll order for herself."

Duke of Buckingham
12-01-13, 08:53 PM
http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-tpWHkjfdt7s/UFAl164dLOI/AAAAAAAAE1o/jKo4wWIjfMM/s1600/Everynight+I+go+to+sleep+late,+And+in+the+morning+ I+realize+it+was+a+bad+Idea.jpeg
GOODNIGHT

Duke of Buckingham
12-05-13, 10:48 AM
Woman1: "Do you ever talk to your man during sex?"

Woman2: "Only if he phones me."

Duke of Buckingham
12-06-13, 09:58 AM
Last Marriage in life:

Me in the car, my next wife (Annie) on the wheel while she closes the convertible roof of the car on the fast food drive inn..

Annie - Did you saw the movie misery?
Ric - Yeeesssssssss
Annie - So nothing of what is going to happen is going to be new for you ... Oh, Ric. What a poet you are.
Waitress (of the drive inn): I just wanted to tell you I'm your number one fan.
Ric running away very fast ...

Duke bad jokes.

Duke of Buckingham
12-07-13, 12:33 PM
Charitbale Case

A very rich lawyer is approached by a charity worker who is concerned that the lawyer didn't donate any money to charity, despite making over £1m that year. "First of all," says the lawyer, "my mother is bedridden and gets no help from social services. Second, I have five kids through three divorce marriages. Third, my sister's husband recently died and she has no one to support her four children." "I'm terribly sorry," says the charity worker, "I feel bad about asking for your money." So you should," replies the lawyer. "If I'm not giving them any money, why should I give you any?"

Duke of Buckingham
12-15-13, 06:08 AM
A Chinese family of 5, named Chu, Bu, Hu, Su and Fu decided to immigrate to the United States.

In order to get a visa, they had to adapt their names to American standards.

Chu became Chuck.
Bu became Buck.
Hu became Huck.

Su and Fu decided to stay in China!

c303a
12-15-13, 11:19 AM
How many times did they have to start over?

http://www.youtube.com/embed/AA56LgpFbSw?rel=0

myshortpencil
12-15-13, 12:51 PM
How many times did they have to start over?

http://www.youtube.com/embed/AA56LgpFbSw?rel=0

That's really, really good. Thanks for sharing.

shiva
12-15-13, 08:49 PM
How many times did they have to start over?

http://www.youtube.com/embed/AA56LgpFbSw?rel=0

More than once I bet., very good

Duke of Buckingham
12-21-13, 05:24 AM
"China is now expected to surpass Japan as the 2nd richest country in the world. They could become the richest, but that's only if we pay them the money we owe them, and that's not going to happen." –Jay Leno

"A new survey shows that 1 in 5 Americans believe that God steers the economy. Mystery solved: God is Chinese." –Conan O'Brien

"China is now grading restaurants' hygiene using smiley faces and frown faces. Really? Who do they have working on this stuff in China, kids? Oh." –Jimmy Fallon

"China has told us our days of squandering borrowed money are over. So maybe we shouldn’t tell them we just spent $76 million going to the Smurf movie." –Conan O'Brien

"The U.S. is now in serious danger of defaulting on our foreign loans, which explains why today, China showed up and broke the Statue of Liberty's kneecaps." –Jimmy Fallon

"A new study has found that the majority of wealthy people in China want to move to other countries and the government is trying to find ways to keep them. If only they could build a big wall." –Jay Leno

"President Obama has offered bailout money to keep Greece from defaulting on its loans. Yeah, when Greece thanked him, Obama was like, 'Don't mention it . . . to China, because it's their money.'" —Jimmy Fallon

"The Chinese economy has shown signs of slowing down. Experts say that's what happens when your workforce starts to enter its teens." —Conan O'Brien

"Congress has rejected raising the debt ceiling, so if China calls, let it go to voicemail." –Stephen Colbert

"In China they say piracy is so rampant that there are at least three fake Apple stores. It's hard to put these people out of the business. If China arrests them for selling fake Apple products, they'll be sent to prison where they will be forced to make real Apple products." –Jay Leno

"Two things you need to know about taxes. They've extended the deadline to April 18, and when you write your check, just make it out to China." –David Letterman

"President Obama revealed that up until a few years ago, he was still paying off his student loans. In response, China was like, 'Oh, so you DO know how to repay loans.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"This is the anniversary of the Great Wall of China. We often say what’s the deal with these Chinese? But in all honesty, since they built the Great Wall, not one Mexican has sneaked in." –David Letterman

"America is producing fewer Caucasian babies. I suppose China is beating us at that too." –Stephen Colbert

"Obama's focus tonight was on the economy. He talked a lot about how he wants to create jobs and then announced a plan to freeze government spending. He's promising to put people to work without spending any money to do it, which is what happens after you get a visit from the president of China." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Chinese President Hu Jintao was hinting that China may not loan the U.S. any more money. President Obama is now talking to him about a reverse mortgage." –Jay Leno

"It was quite a site to see Obama next to President Hu. Obama has a Nobel Peace Prize in his basement, and Hu has a Nobel Peace prize winner in his." –Bill Maher

"While visiting Chicago, President Hu met with Cubs fans. Apparently, he wanted to see some Americans who have suffered more human rights violations than his own people." –Jay Leno

"The White House held a state dinner for Chinese President Hu Jintao. There were 200 people, a six-course dinner, and champagne. It was so expensive that we had to borrow money from China for the dinner." –David Letterman

"Chinese President Hu Jintao had dinner at the White House with President Obama and first lady Michelle. They were going to exchange gifts from the two countries, but unfortunately everything in our country is now made in their country, so they couldn't do any exchanging." –Jay Leno

"There was one really awkward moment when Hu found out that Obama was a Nobel Peace Prize winner and, out of force of habit, tried to have him arrested." –Jay Leno

"Chinese President Hu Jintao visited President Obama at the White House yesterday. There was one very awkward moment when the Chinese President met the Obama daughters and asked, 'So, which factory do you work at?'" –Jay Leno

"At the state dinner for Chinese President Hu Jintao, Hu opened a fortune cookie that said, 'You will lend us another trillion dollars.'" –Conan O'Brien

"Hu told President Obama's 9-year-old daughter, Sasha, that she's a pretty little girl and asked her how many iPods she could make in an hour." –Conan O'Brien

"Chinese President Hu Jintao is visiting us. When a country owes you a billion dollars they have a problem. When they owe you a trillion dollars, YOU have a problem. We’re too big to fail!" –Jon Stewart

"The President of China is in Washington. It's a bit like when you're into your bookie for more than you can afford, and he stops by the house to say hello." –Jimmy Kimmel

"China's President Hu is visiting the United States. If he likes what he sees, he may put down a deposit." –David Letterman

"The White House held a state dinner for Chinese President Hu Jintao. President Obama wore a traditional Chinese-made garment: a pair of Nikes." –Jay Leno

"Obama and Hu had a private dinner the night before. When Obama tried to pick up the check, Hu said, 'Your money is no good here.' Obama laughed, and Hu said, 'No, really, your money is no good.'" –Jay Leno

"President Hu's advance team came a week earlier to make sure that wherever he's staying has no Chinese drywall." –Jay Leno

"President Obama held a state dinner for Chinese President Hu Jintao. The world leader with the funny name, who grew up in Asia, said he enjoyed meeting President Hu." –Conan O'Brien "Senate majority leader Harry Reid refused to attend the state dinner for Chinese President because he considers Hu Jintao a dictator. In response Jintao said, 'You're coming. You'll have the fish, and you'll like it.'" –Conan O'Brien "Chinese President Hu Jintao visited the White House. Fox News said it was a gathering of the world's most powerful communist — and the president of China." –Craig Ferguson

"New Speaker of the House John Boehner chose not to attend the dinner for Chinese President Hu. In China, they're calling him an orange chicken." –Jimmy Fallon

"Chinese President Hu Jintao will be at the White House next week. The good news is, he has no plans to foreclose. We can stay another month." –Jay Leno

Duke of Buckingham
12-28-13, 07:44 AM
http://www.chowstatic.com/uploads/2/1/9/926912_fat_giraffe.jpg

Duke of Buckingham
01-10-14, 06:46 AM
Different Degrees of Blondeness

FIRST DEGREE
A married couple were asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning. The wife (undoubtedly blonde), picked up the phone, listened a moment and said, "How should I know, that's 200 miles from here!" and hung up. The husband said, "Who was that?" The wife said, "I don't know, some woman wanting to know if the coast is clear."

SECOND DEGREE
Two blondes are walking down the street. One notices a compact on the sidewalk and leans down to pick it up. She opens it, looks in the mirror and says, "Hmm, this person looks familiar." The second blonde says, "Here, let me see!" So the first blonde hands her the compact. The second one looks in the mirror and says, "You dummy, it's me!"

THIRD DEGREE
A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and when she opens the door she finds him in the arms of a redhead. Well, the blonde is really angry. She opens her purse to take out the gun, and as she does so, she is overcome with grief She takes the gun and puts it to her head The boyfriend yells, "No, honey, don't do it!!!" The blonde replies, "Shut up, you're next!"

FOURTH DEGREE
A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of state capitals. She proudly says, "Go ahead, ask me, I know all of them." A friend says, "OK, what's the capital of Wisconsin?" The blonde replies, "Oh, that's easy: W."

FIFTH DEGREE
What did the blonde ask her doctor when he told her she was pregnant? "Is it mine?"

SIXTH DEGREE
Bambi, a blonde in her fourth year as a UCLA freshman, sat in her US government class. The professor asked Bambi if she knew what Roe vs. Wade was about. Bambi pondered the question then finally said, "That was the decision George Washington had to make before he crossed the Delaware."

SEVENTH DEGREE
Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house Ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the radio, and a K-9 unit, patrolling nearby was the first to respond. As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps. Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, "I come home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do? They send me a BLIND policeman."

Duke of Buckingham
01-12-14, 05:48 PM
http://scoopsmentalpropaganda.files.wordpress.com/2012/07/hagar-the-horrible.jpg?w=640

c303a
01-26-14, 12:57 PM
On a bitterly cold winter morning a husband and wife were listening to the radio during breakfast. They heard the
announcer say, "We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even-numbered


side of the street, so the snow plows can get through". So the good wife went out and moved her car.

A week later while they are eating breakfast again, the radio announcer said, "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of


snow today. You must park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street, so the snow plows can get through.


"The good wife went out and moved her car again.

The next week they are again having breakfast, when the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today.



You must park...." Then the electric power went out. The good wife was very upset, and with a worried look on her face


she said, "I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the snow plows can get through?"

Then with the love and understanding in his voice that all men who are married to blondes exhibit, the husband replied,








"Why don't you just leave the damn car in the garage this time?”

Duke of Buckingham
02-03-14, 06:16 PM
http://global3.memecdn.com/wtf-is-this_o_347974.jpg

Fire$torm
02-21-14, 06:44 PM
My joke of the day.

1664
^^ Click ^^

A sometimes view of what my desk looks like when I'm in "Mod this thing" project mode. Happens quite often....

Justgeo1
02-22-14, 02:15 AM
My first PC was just the parts and no case, and I used plexiglass to keep components separate... :)

Duke of Buckingham
02-22-14, 03:52 AM
Some computers are stranger than others ...
http://www.weirdomatic.com/wp-content/pictures/ballantines/10.jpg

Computer Made From A Bottle of Ballantine Whisky Made by Janos Marton everything detailed with a lot of pictures
http://www.weirdomatic.com/ballantines-computer.html

c303a
02-22-14, 10:39 AM
Love the computer but I'd rather have what was in the bottle! :D:D:D Cheers. I could have a great time building that one!

c303a
02-22-14, 05:06 PM
This is for all the beer drinkers out there (Where are you BeerDrinker)

Sometimes when I reflect on all the beer I drink, I feel ashamed. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn't drink this beer, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. I think, "It is better to drink this beer and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver."



Babe Ruth



"I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day."

Lyndon B. Johnson



"When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading."

Paul Horning




"24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? I think not."

H. L. Mencken



"When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. So, let's all get drunk and go to heaven!"

George Bernard Shaw



"Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy."

Benjamin Franklin



"Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza."

Dave Barry



BEER: HELPING UGLY PEOPLE HAVE SEX SINCE 3000 B.C.!

W. C. Fields



Remember "I" before "E," except in Budweiser.
Professor Irwin Corey



To some it's a six-pack, to me it's a Support Group. Salvation in a can!

Leo Durocher



One night at Cheers, Cliff Clavin said to his buddy, Norm Peterson:

"Well, ya see, Norm, it's like this.. A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members! ; In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine! That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers.

Duke of Buckingham
03-12-14, 04:06 AM
I went to the psychiatrist and when I got out the psychiatrist had to be hospitalized in a straightjacket,

Here is my psychiatrist picture:
http://blog.eternalvigilance.me/wp-content/uploads/2011/11/crazy-guy-in-straight-jacket.jpg

Dont worry Doctor, I will be back only next month.
http://images.monstermarketplace.com/halloween-costumes-and-theatrical-make-up/crazy-man-straight-jacket-265x480.jpg

Meanwhile I will be hospitalized in good companies.
http://underbipolarcovers.files.wordpress.com/2013/10/asylumgothiccostume.jpg
http://farm7.staticflickr.com/6074/6047256541_e56d545cf3_z.jpg

and better companies.
http://www.thefrisky.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/10/21/straightjacket_102110_m-425x580.jpg
http://www.hardbodynews.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/09/crazytracey.jpg

Yeha, keep saying I am crazy.
http://thesinglegirlsguidetodating.files.wordpress.com/2013/01/man-in-straight-jacket.jpg

I dont want to get out of here
http://power2motivate.com.au/wp-content/uploads/2012/12/crazy-man-in-straight-jacket.jpg

Very Crazy but not dumb Duke.
http://media-cache-ec0.pinimg.com/736x/42/24/9d/42249d6f9085b885ed772a0fae2852bd.jpg

Do you wanna come?
http://www.neverendingfootsteps.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/10/IMG_5049.jpg

I am crazy from them all.

Godric
03-22-14, 07:18 PM
Gatorphobia


While sports fishing off the Florida coast, a tourist capsized his boat. He could swim, but his fear of alligators kept him clinging to the overturned craft. Spotting and old beachcomber standing on the shore, the tourist shouted,"Are there any gators around here?!"


"Naw," the man hollered back, "they ain't been around for years!"


"Feeling safe, the tourist started swimming leisurely toward the shore.


About halfway there he asked the guy,"How'd you get rid of the gators?"


"We didn't do nothin'," the beachcomber said.


"The sharks got 'em."

Duke of Buckingham
03-24-14, 09:51 AM
https://fbcdn-sphotos-d-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-frc1/t1.0-9/1538695_729086083770105_933486583_n.jpg

http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-46aC5Y5rJ9M/ToMQZE55l8I/AAAAAAAADrg/7ApiDR1SSyA/s400/Joke-internet-reality-damn-i-lost-the-connection.jpg

Godric
03-24-14, 06:15 PM
Contact Lens


The teenager lost a contact lens while playing basketball in his driveway. After a fruitless search, he told his mother the lens was nowhere to be found.


Undaunted, she went outside and in a few minutes, returned with the lens in her hand.


"How did you manage to find it, Mom?" the teenager asked.


"We weren't looking for the same thing," she replied.


"You were looking for a small piece of plastic. I was looking for $150."


Arriving Late


A certain professor arrived late for a lecture to find a most uncomplimentary drawing of himself on the blackboard.


Fuming, he asked the class joker in the front row, "Who, pray, was responsible for this atrocity?"


The joker won tremendous prestige with his reply, "I really don't know, but I strongly suspect its parents."

Duke of Buckingham
03-31-14, 05:37 AM
When asked the secret of his long life, the elderly gentleman smiled knowingly and said he sprinkled a little gunpowder on his oatmeal every morning.
The young man listening decided to follow that practice and every morning, he added a teaspoon of gunpowder to his oatmeal.

He lived to the age of 93. When he died, he left 12 children, 24 grandchildren, 36-great-grandchildren, and a 12-foot hole in the wall of the crematorium.

Godric
04-11-14, 11:25 PM
Importance of a name




Peter decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. They loaded up Peter's station wagon and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. They pulled into a nearby farm house and asked the attractive lady of the house if they could spend the night.


"I'm recently widowed," she explained, "and I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house."


"Not to worry," Peter said, "we'll be happy to sleep in the barn."


Nine months later, Peter got a letter from the widow's attorney. He then went up to visit his friend Bob and said, "Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow at the farm we stayed at?"


"Yes, I do."


"Did you happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and have sex with her?"


"Yes, I have to admit that I did."


"Did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your name?"


Bob's face turned red and he said, "Yeah, I'm afraid I did."


"Well, thanks! She just died and left me everything!"

Godric
04-12-14, 12:00 PM
A beautiful woman goes to her dentist for the first time in years. After
poking around in her mouth for awhile, he says, "I'm sorry, Mrs. Jones, but it
looks like you need to have a complete root canal."


She winces and says, "Ugh, I think I'd rather have another baby."


He says, "Well, OK, but I'm going to have to adjust the chair."

Duke of Buckingham
04-15-14, 09:51 AM
:) Nice one Godric.

Godric
04-16-14, 11:00 AM
Little 'Kids'


Little Johnny and Jenny are only 10 years old, but they just know that they are in love. One day they decide that they want to get married, so Johnny goes to Jenny's father to ask him for her hand.


Johnny bravely walks up to him and says "Mr. Smith, me and Jenny are in love and I want to ask you for her hand in marriage." Thinking that this was the cutest thing, Mr. Smith replies, "Well Johnny, you are only 10. Where will you two live?" Without even taking a moment to think about it, Johnny replies "In Jenny's room. It's bigger than mine and we can both fit there nicely." Still thinking this is just adorable, Mr. Smith says with a huge grin, "Okay then how will you live? You're not old enough to get a job. You'll need to support Jenny." Again, Johnny instantly replies, "Our allowance.. Jenny makes 5 bucks a week and I make 10 bucks a week. That's about 60 bucks a month, and that should do us just fine."


By this time Mr. Smith is a little shocked that Johnny has put so much thought into this. So, he thinks for a moment trying to come up with something that Johnny won't have an answer to. After a second, Mr. Smith says, "Well Johnny, it seems like you have got everything all figured out. I just have one more question for you. What will you do if the two of you should have little ones of your own?" Johnny just shrugs his shoulders and says "Well, we've been lucky so far..."


=))=))


:) Nice one Godric.

teehee, thanks buddy!!!:cool:

Godric
04-17-14, 11:38 PM
20 years
________


A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband is not in bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee.


He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye. "What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room. "Why are you down here at this time of night?"


The husband looks up from his coffee. "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 16?" he asks solemnly. "Yes, I do," she replies.


"Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car ?" "Yes, I remember," says the wife. "Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for twenty years!" "I remember that, too," she replies softly. The husband wipes another tear from his cheek... "I'm a freeman now!

Godric
04-23-14, 12:11 PM
Wrong Thing


An American soldier, serving in World War II, had just returned from several weeks of intense action on the German front lines. He had finally been granted R&R and was on a train bound for London.


The train was very crowded, so the soldier walked the length of the train, looking for an empty seat. The only unoccupied seat was directly adjacent to a well dressed middle aged lady and was being used by her little dog. The war weary soldier asked, "Please, ma'am, may I sit in that seat?" The English woman looked down her nose at the soldier, sniffed and said, "You Americans. You are such a rude class of people. Can't you see my little Fifi is using that seat?"


The soldier walked away, determined to find a place to rest, but after another trip down to the end of the train, found himself again facing the woman with the dog. Again he asked, "Please, lady. May I sit there? I'm very tired." The English woman wrinkled her nose and snorted, "You Americans! Not only are you rude, you are also arrogant. Imagine!"


The soldier didn't say anything else. He leaned over, picked up the little dog, tossed it out the window of the train and sat down in the empty seat. The woman shrieked and demanded that someone defend her and chastise the soldier. An English gentleman sitting across the aisle spoke up, "You know, sir, you Americans do seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You eat holding the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road.


And now, sir, you've thrown the wrong b!tch out of the window."

Godric
04-23-14, 12:16 PM
Lost Ball


A man staggers into an emergency room with two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat. Naturally the doctor asks him what happened.
Well, it was like this, said the man. I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when she sliced her ball into a pasture of cows.


We went to look for it, and while I was rooting around I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end. I walked over and lifted up the tail, and sure enough, there was my wife's golf ball........stuck right in the middle of the cow's butt. That's when I made my mistake.


"What did you do?" asks the doctor.


Well, I lifted the tail and yelled to my wife,
"Hey, this looks like yours!"

Godric
04-23-14, 11:04 PM
Gambler


During the Great Depression, there was a man who walked into a bar one day. He went up to the bartender and said, "Bartender, I'd like to buy the house a round of drinks."


The bartender said, "That's fine, but we're in the middle of the Depression, so I'll need to see some money first."


The guy pulled out a huge wad of bills and set them on the bar. The bartender can't believe what he's seeing. "Where did you get all that money?" asked the bartender.


"I'm a professional gambler," replied the man.


The bartender said, "There's no such thing! I mean, your odds are fifty-fifty at best, right?"


"Well, I only bet on sure things," said the guy.


"Like what?" asked the bartender.


"Well, for example, I'll bet you fifty dollars that I can bite my right eye," he said.


The bartender thought about it. "Okay," he said.


So, the guy pulled out his false right eye and bit it. "Aw, you screwed me," said the bartender, and paid the guy his $50.


"I'll give you another chance. I'll bet you another fifty dollars that I can bite my left eye," said the stranger.


The bartender thought again and said, "Well, I know you're not blind, I mean, I watched you walk in here. I'll take that bet." So, the guy pulled out his false teeth and bit his left eye.


"Aw, you screwed me again!" protested the bartender.


"That's how I win so much money, bartender. I'll just take a bottle of your best scotch in lieu of the fifty dollars," said the man.


With that, the guy went to the back room and spent the better part of the night playing cards with some of the locals. After many hours of drinking and card playing, he stumbled up to the bar. Drunk as a skunk, he said, "Bartender, I'll give you one last chance. I'll bet you five hundred dollars that I can stand on this bar on one foot and piss into that whiskey bottle on that shelf behind you without spilling a drop."


The bartender once again pondered the bet. The guy couldn't even stand up straight on two feet, much less one. "Okay, you're on," he said.


The guy climbed up on the bar, stood on one leg, and began pissing all over the place. He hit the bar, the bartender, himself, but not a drop made it into the whiskey bottle.


The bartender was ecstatic. Laughing, the bartender said, "Hey pal, you owe me five hundred dollars!"


The guy climbed down off the bar and said, "That's okay. I just bet each of the guys in the card room a thousand bucks each that I could piss all over you and the bar and still make you laugh!"

Godric
04-23-14, 11:05 PM
Wisdom of age


An elderly man in North Carolina had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back, fixed up really nice, along with some picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees. The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was built.


One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.


As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. When he came closer, he realized it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end to shield themselves.


One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"


The old man frowned and replied, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked." Holding the bucket up he said, "I'm here to feed the alligators."

Godric
04-24-14, 11:50 AM
Be Strong!

A man escapes from a prison where he had been kept for 15 years.

As he runs away, he finds a house and breaks into it, looking for money and guns, but only finds a young couple in bed.

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him up in a chair. While tying the girl up to the bed, he gets on top of her, kisses her on the neck, then gets up, and goes to the bathroom.

While he's in there, the husband tells his wife, "Listen, this guy is an escaped prisoner, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail, and hasn't seen a woman in years.

I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, just do what he tells you, just give him satisfaction.

This guy must be dangerous, if he gets angry, he'll kill us.
Be strong, honey. I love you."

To which the wife responds, "He was not kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear.

He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked if we kept any Vaseline in the bathroom.

Be strong, honey, I love you, too."

Godric
04-24-14, 11:51 AM
'Sex' Pistol

A man was having problems with premature ejaculation so he decided to go to the doctor. He asked the doctor what could he do to cure his problem...

In response the doctor said, "When you feel like you are getting ready to ejaculate try startling yourself". That same day the man went to the store and bought himself a starter pistol. All excited to try this suggestion out he runs home to his wife.

At home his wife is in bed, naked and waiting for her husband. As the two begin, they find themselves in the '69' position. The man, moments later, feels the sudden urge to come and fires the starter pistol.

The next day, the man went back to the doctor. The doctor asked, "How did it go?". The man answered, "Not that well... when I fired the pistol my wife ~love~ on my face, bit 3 inches off my penis and my neighbor came out of the closet naked with his hands in the air!"

Godric
04-24-14, 11:53 AM
Going to Heaven

One day, three men died and went to hell. Satan was there and the three guys asked to be sent to heaven. However, Satan said that only the good people can go to heaven... So he let them give him a question each. If Satan can answer their questions correctly, the person will stay in Hell; but if Satan didn't answer it correctly the person can go to Heaven.

So the first person tries. He was a Mathematician, and he gave Satan a very tough math formula. But Satan solved it in no time. So the mathematician goes to Hell...

The second person, who happens to be a scientist, gave it a try. He asked Satan to prove a very difficult Science question involving quantum theory and Newton's law and whatever sh*t in between. Once again Satan managed to answer correctly, so the man goes to Hell... *haiz*.. *sad*...

The last guy goes forward. He was a ~censored~, so Satan laughed at him. Nonetheless, he asked to be given a chair and an electric drill, and he was given those things. So he drilled five identical holes in a circle in the middle of the chair, sat on the chair and farted.

He asked Satan, "Which hole did I fart through?"

Satan examined the chair and measured the diameter of every hole. He turned the chair in everyway possible. Finally, he said, exasperated, "this hole", pointing to the fifth hole.

"Wrong!!... ha-ha.. I farted through my A55HOLE!!!.... I go to Heaven!!!".....

Godric
04-24-14, 11:56 AM
Foul Mouths


A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following:
"Emma come first. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time."


"You foul-mouthed sex obsessed swine," retorted the lady indignantly. "In this country.... we don't speak aloud in public places about our sex lives.........


"Hey, Coola down lady," said the man. "Who talkin' abouta sexa? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spella 'Mississippi'."

Godric
04-24-14, 11:57 AM
Farmhouse

A city slicker wanted to buy a farm. He found just what he was looking for. During an inspection of the property, however, he found a hive of bees.

He told the owner that he was deathly afraid of bees, and there was no way he could consider this piece of land.

The landowner assured him that the bees were completely harmless, but the buyer would have no part of it.

Finally, the landowner made an offer. The buyer would allow himself to be tied to a tree for an hour, nude, under the nest. So sure of the friendliness of his bees was the farmer that if ONE bee were to sting him, the farm would be his for free. The buyer thought it over and decided it was worth the risk.

An hour later, the farmer walked out to the tree and saw the poor guy slumped over in his bindings. Fearing the worst, he ran up to him and asked if he had been stung.

The city fella looked up and weakly said, "No... The bees never touched me - but doesn't that calf have a mother!?!"

Godric
04-25-14, 06:59 PM
Stutter?


A man visits the doctor's because he has a severe stuttering problem.
After a thorough examination, the doctor consults with the patient.


Doctor: 'It appears that the reason for your stuttering is that your penis is about six inches too long and it is thus pulling on your vocal cords, and thereby causing you this annoying
Problem of stuttering.


Patient: 'Ddddd octttor . Whhaaat cccan I dddo?'


The doctor scratches his forehead, thinks for a minute and states that there is a procedure where we can free up the strain on the vocal cords by
Removing the six inches from the penis and freeing him from this horrible problem.


The patient stuttering badly states that this problem has caused him so much embarrassment as well as loss of employment that anything would be
Worth it.


The doctor plans for the procedure. The operation is a success and six months later the patient comes in for his check up.


Patient: 'Doctor, the operation was a success. I have not stuttered since the operation. I have a great job and my self esteem is fantastic. However, there is one problem, my wife says that she sort of misses the great sex we used to have before the extra six inches were removed. So I was wondering if it is possible to reattach those six inches'.


The doctor scratches his forehead, thinks for a minute and says:
'I dddoonnnt ttthhhinkkkk thatttt wooould bbbbee possssssibbble'...

Godric
04-25-14, 07:00 PM
Conversation

Two strangers are sitting in an adjacent seats in airplane.

One guy says to the other, "Let's talk. I hear that the flight will go faster if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."

The other guy, who had just opened a good book, closes it slowly, takes off his glasses and asks, "What would you like to discuss?"

The first guy says, "Oh, I don't know; how about nuclear power?"

The other guy says, "OK, that could make for some pretty interesting conversation. But let me ask you a question first:

"A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff, but the deer excretes pellets, the cow, big patties, and the horse, clumps of dried grass. Why is that?"

The first guy says, "I don't know."

The other guy says, "Oh? Well then, do you really think you're qualified to discuss Nuclear Power when you don't know ~love~?"

Godric
04-25-14, 07:01 PM
4 Weeks


A Bible study group was discussing the unforeseen possibility of their sudden death. The leader of the discussion said, " We will all die some day, and none of us really know when, but if we did, we would all do a better job of preparing ourselves for that inevitable event."


"Everybody nodded their heads in agreement with this comment."


Then the leader said to the group, "What would you do if you knew you only had 4 weeks of life remaining before your death, and then the Great Judgment Day?"


A gentleman said, " I would go out into my community and minister the Gospel to those that have not yet accepted the Lord into their lives."


"Very good!", said the group leader, and all the group members agreed, that would be a very good thing to do.


One lady spoke up and said enthusiastically, "I would dedicate all of my remaining time to serving God, my family, my church, and my fellow man with a greater conviction."


"That's wonderful!" the group leader commented, and all the group members agreed, that would be a very good thing to do.


But one gentleman in the back finally spoke up loudly and said, "I would go to my mother-in-laws house for the 4 weeks."


Everyone was puzzled by this answer, and the group leader ask, "Why your mother-in-laws home?"


Then the gentleman smiled sarcastically and said, "Because, that would be the longest 4 weeks of my life!"

Godric
04-25-14, 07:02 PM
Job Application


This is an actual job application a 17 year old boy submitted at a McDonald's fast-food establishment in Florida... And they hired him because he was so honest and funny!


NAME: Greg Bulmash


SEX: Not yet. Still waiting for the right person.


DESIRED POSITION: Company's President or Vice President. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.


DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.


EDUCATION: Yes.


LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.


SALARY: Less than I'm worth.


MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and Post-it notes.


REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.


HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.


PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.


DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.


MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?


DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?: Of what?


DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"


HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearing house Sweepstakes.


DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job no, on my breaks yes.


WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy dumb sexy blonde super model who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.


DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: Yes. Absolutely.


SIGN HERE: Aries.

Godric
04-25-14, 07:04 PM
Sickness


A wealthy hospital benefactor was being shown around the hospital. During her tour, she passed a room where a male patient was masturbating furiously.


"Oh my GOD!" screamed the woman. "That's disgraceful! Why is he doing that?"


The doctor who was leading the tour calmly explained, "I'm very sorry that you were exposed to that, but this man has a serious condition where his testicles rapidly fill with semen, and if he doesn't do that at least five times a day, he'll be in extreme pain and his testicles could easily rupture."


"Oh, well in that case, I guess it's okay," said the woman.


As they passed by the very next room, they saw a male patient laying in bed while a nurse performed oral sex on him.


Again, the woman screamed, "Oh my GOD! How can THAT be justified?"


Again the doctor spoke very calmly: "Same illness, better health plan."

Duke of Buckingham
05-02-14, 07:53 AM
Six retired Irishmen were playing poker in O’Leary’s apartment when Paddy Murphy loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest, and drops dead at the table. Showing respect for their fallen brother, the other five continue playing standing up.

Michael O’Connor looks around and asks, “Oh, me boys, someone got to tell Paddy’s wife. Who will it be?”

They draw straws. Paul Gallagher picks the short one. They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don’t make a bad situation any worse.

“Discreet? I’m the most discreet Irishman you’ll ever meet. Discretion is me middle name. Leave it to me.”

Gallagher goes over to Murphy’s house and knocks on the door. Mrs. Murphy answers and asks what he wants.

Gallagher declares, “Your husband just lost $500 and is afraid to come home.”

“Tell the worthless S.O.B. to drop dead!” says Murphy’s wife.

“I’ll go tell him,” says Gallagher.

Duke of Buckingham
05-20-14, 06:44 PM
I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather.
Not screaming in terror like his passengers.
http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-hYJYhPzKpWk/UGgQ5e4_DeI/AAAAAAAAGwg/_vtqvs1uAGk/s1600/bride-screaming.jpg

shiva
07-25-14, 04:18 PM
WELCOME to 2014:

• Our Phones – Wireless


• Cooking – Fireless


• Cars – Keyless


• Food – Fatless


• Tires –Tubeless


• Dress – Sleeveless


• Youth – Jobless


• Leaders – Shameless


• Relationships – Meaningless


• Attitudes – Careless


• Babies – Fatherless


• Feelings – Heartless


• Education – Valueless


• Children – Mannerless


• Country – Godless

We are SPEECHLESS, Congress is CLUELESS,
and our President is WORTHLESS !

I'm scared - shitless *
GOD HELP US !
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