Subject: Healthcare is out there!
If you can’t afford a doctor, go to an airport . . ..
- you’ll get a free x-ray, a pat-down including breast exam, and . . .. if you mention Al Queda, you get a colonoscopy.
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Subject: Healthcare is out there!
If you can’t afford a doctor, go to an airport . . ..
- you’ll get a free x-ray, a pat-down including breast exam, and . . .. if you mention Al Queda, you get a colonoscopy.
Pregnant blonde
The other day my neighbor, who is blonde, came running up to me in the driveway jumping for joy! I didn't know why she was jumping so excitedly but I thought, 'what the heck', and I started jumping up and down along with her.
She said, 'I have some really great news!'
I said, 'Great. Tell me why you're so happy.'
She stopped jumping and breathing heavily from all the jumping up and down, told me that she was pregnant. I knew she'd been trying for a while so I told her, 'That's great I couldn't be happier for you!'
Then she said, 'There's more.'
I asked, 'What do you mean there's more?'
She said, 'Well, we are not having just one baby. We are going to have TWINS!'
Amazed at how she could know so soon after getting pregnant,
I asked her how she knew.
She said. . .
'Well, that was the easy part. I went to Sam's Club and they actually had a home pregnancy kit in a TWIN-pack. Both tests came out positive!
A blonde decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no lessons, nor prior experience. She mounts the horse unassisted, and the horse immediately springs into motion. It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slide from the saddle.
In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down the horse's side anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly impervious to its slipping rider.
Finally, giving up her frail grip, the blonde attempts to leap away from the horse and throw herself to safety. Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup, she is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground over and over.
As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousness when to her great fortune... Frank, the Walmart greeter, sees her dilemma and unplugs the horse.
And you thought all they did was say Hello.
How the world works lately...
If a man cuts his finger off while Slicing salami at work,
He blames the restaurant.
If you smoke three packs a day
For 40 years and die of lung cancer,
Your family blames the Tobacco company.
If your neighbor crashes
Into a tree while driving home drunk,
He blames the bartender.
If your grandchildren are
Brats without manners, You blame television.
If your friend is shot by a
Deranged madman,
You blame the gun manufacturer..
And if a crazed person breaks
Into the cockpit and
Tries to kill the pilot at 35,000 feet,
And the passengers
Kill him instead,
The mother of the crazed deceased
Blames the airline.
I must have lived too long to
Understand the world
As it is anymore.
So, if I die while my OLD WRINKLED ASS is parked in front of this computer, I want all of you to Blame Bill Gates.
So true. I am going to have to pass that one along.
How to Tell the Sex of a Fly
A woman walked into the kitchen to find her
Husband stalking around with a fly swatter
"What are you doing?"
She asked.
"Hunting Flies"
He responded.
"Oh. ! Killing any?"
She asked.
"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.
Intrigued, she asked.
"How can you tell them apart?"
He responded,
"3 were on a beer can,
2 were on the phone.
hahaha! Oh man, those were some good ones. Here's one for you:
http://www.wadegrindle.com/wp-conten...in-Surgery.jpg
God loves a blonde:
A blonde finds herself in serious trouble. Her business has gone bust and she's in dire financial straits. She's desperate, so she decides to ask God for help.
She begins to pray.. "God, please help me. I've lost my business and if I
Don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well. Please let me
win the lottery."
Lottery night comes, and somebody else wins.
She again prays... "God, please let me win the lottery! I've lost my business, my house and I'm going to lose my car as well."
Lottery night comes and she still has no luck.
Once again, she prays... "My God, why have you forsaken me? I've lost my business, my house, and my car.. My children are starving. I don't often ask You for help, and I've always been a good servant to You.
PLEASE let me win the lottery just this one time so I can get my life back in order."
Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open. The blonde is overwhelmed by the Voice of God, Himself.....
"Sweetheart, work with Me on this...... Buy a ticket."
hahahaha... =)):(( ...ROFL!!!Quote:
Originally Posted by c303a
Here's a good one:
Attachment 168
I'm about 70% sure Joker has said this at some point:
http://www.smbc-comics.com/comics/20110414.gif
Not really..........but my mom has! X_XQuote:
I'm about 70% sure Joker has said this at some point:
Something I learned today, and found interesting:
Cleopatra lived closer in time to the first Moon landing than to the building of the Great Pyramid.
Thought the moon landing was staged! ;)
It was, you don't wake up one day and go "I'm going to land on the moon today." It takes many stages.Quote:
Originally Posted by joker
Wow. Just, wow.
http://www.photobasement.com/wp-cont...reyoucrazy.jpg
Fondling in Bed
After 20 years of marriage, a couple were lying in bed one evening, when the wife felt her husband begin to fondle her in ways he hadn’t in quite some time.
It almost tickled as his fingers started at her neck, and then began moving down past the small of her back.
He then caressed her shoulders and neck slowly moving his hand down over her breasts, stopping just over her lower stomach.
He then proceeded to place his hand on her left inner arm, caressed past the side of her breast again, working down her side, passed gently over her buttock and down her leg to her calf. Then he proceeded up her inner thigh stopping just at the uppermost portion of her leg. He continued in the same manner on her right side then suddenly stopped, rolled over and started to watch TV.
As she had become quite aroused by this caressing she asked in a loving voice, “That was wonderful. Why did you stop?”
He said, “I found the remote.”
This was just brilliant...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Mhk5Rjz7xk0&feature=player_embedded
http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=iN7OS0V17PQ
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WW9_SM5i2M4&feature=player_embedded
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8KUcMmGMDHE&feature=player_embedded
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aaqUKLx2z-Y&feature=player_embedded
That reminds me of the scene from Raiders of the Lost Ark... I like it!Quote:
Originally Posted by joker
This just in from a Dr. friend of mine. :D
A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed. She puts on her dressing gown and goes downstairs to look for him.
She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall.
She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.
'What's the matter, dear?' she whispers as she steps into the room, 'Why are you down here at this time of night?'
The husband looks up from his coffee, 'I am just remembering when we first met 20 years ago and started dating. You were only 16. Do you remember back then?' he says solemnly.
The wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring, so sensitive.
'Yes, I do' she replies.
The husband pauses. The words were not coming easily.
'Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?'
'Yes, I remember!' said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.
The husband continues. Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years?'
'I remember that too' she replies softly.
He wipes another tear from his cheek and says...
'I would have been released today.'
ROFL....!!!....:((=))
Perfect comeback
I took my dad to the mall the other day to buy some new shoes (he is 66).
We decided to grab a bite at the food court.
I noticed he was watching someone sitting next to him
The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors - green, red, orange
& blue - and my dad kept staring at her.
The teen would look over and find my dad staring, every time.
When she'd finally had enough, she sarcastically asked:
"What's the matter old man, never done anything
wild in your life?"
Knowing my Dad, I quickly swallowed my food so I wouldn't choke on
his response - I knew he'd have a good one!
In classic style, he responded without batting an eyelid:
"Got drunk once and had s e x with a peacock.
I was just wondering if you were my daughter."
A blonde walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer. She says she’s going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000. The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce. The car is parked on the street in front of the bank; she has the title, and everything checks out. The bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. The bank’s president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the blonde for using a $250,000 Rolls as collateral against a $5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then drives the Rolls into the bank’s underground garage and parks it there. Two weeks later, the blonde returns and repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41. The loan officer says, “Miss, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely; but we are a little puzzled. We checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is - why would you bother to borrow $5,000?” The blond replies…..”Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?”
I'm sure some of us can understand what this guy is going through.
http://www.stumbleupon.com/su/1B4AZI
This tickled me in a weird way...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=u011XHmYq1Q&feature=player_embedded
I get to see this on Friday!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Oa2Os8eOUjs
Best gif I've seen in a while, "Karaoke_ghostrider."
http://4gifs.com/gallery/d/184635-1/...ghostrider.gif
Would that be considered a "hair" band? :D
They fired the party. It was a very hot environment. :))
Duke
:)):)):))Quote:
Originally Posted by Maxwell
Hysterical!!!Quote:
Originally Posted by Maxwell
I apologize if this offends anyone, but my Catholic school sensibilities nearly made me do a spit take at the screen..
http://www.channelate.com/comics/200...-your-body.jpg
Someone called me?
Duke of Buckingham