Joke of the day

Curtis & Leroy saw an ad in the Starkville Daily in Starkville, MS and bought a mule for $100.

The farmer agreed to deliver the mule the next day.

The next morning the farmer drove up and said,"Sorry, fellows, I have some bad news, the mule died last night."

Curtis & Leroy replied,"Well, then just give us our money back."

The farmer said,"Can't do that. I went and spent it already."

They said, "OK then, just bring us the dead mule."

The farmer asked, "What in the world ya'll gonna do with a dead mule?"

Curtis said, "We gonna raffle him off."

The farmer said, "You can't raffle off a dead mule!"

Leroy said, "We shore can! Heck, we don't hafta tell nobody he's dead!"


A couple of weeks later, the farmer ran into Curtis & Leroy at the Piggly Wiggly grocery store and asked.

"What'd you fellers ever do with that dead mule?"

They said,"We raffled him off like we said we wuz gonna do."

Leroy said,"Shucks, we sold 500 tickets fer two dollars apiece and made a profit of $998."

The farmer said,"My Lord, didn't anyone complain?"

Curtis said,"Well, the feller who won got upset. So we gave him his two dollars back."

Curtis and Leroy now work for the government.

They're overseeing the Bailout & Stimulus Programs.

Irish Declare War On France

The French President, is sitting in his office when his telephone rings.

"Hallo, Mr. Sarkozy!" a heavily accented voice said. "This is Paddy down at the Harp Pub in County Clare, Ireland. I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you!"

"Well, Paddy," Sarkozy replied, "This is indeed important news! How big is your army?"

"Right now," says Paddy, after a moment's calculation, "there is meself, me cousin Sean, me next door neighbour Seamus, and the entire darts team from the pub. That makes eight!"

Sarkozy paused. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100,000 men in my army waiting to move on my command."

"Begoora!" says Paddy. "I'll have to ring you back."

Sure enough, the next day, Paddy calls again. "Mr. Sarkozy, the war is still on. We have managed to get us some infantry equipment!"

"And what equipment would that be Paddy?" Sarkozy asks.

"Well, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Murphy's farm tractor."

Sarkozy sighs amused. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 6,000 tanks and 5,000 armored personnel carriers. Also, I have increased my army to 150,000 since we last spoke."

"Saints preserve us!" says Paddy. "I'll have to get back to you."

Sure enough, Paddy rings again the next day. "Mr. Sarkozy, the war is still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We have modified Jackie McLaughlin's ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four boys from the Shamrock Bar have joined us as well!"

Sarkozy was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100 bombers and 200 fighter planes. My military bases are surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last spoke, I have increased my army to 200,000!"

"Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!" says Paddy, "I will have to ring you back."

Sure enough, Paddy calls again the next day. "Top o' the mornin', Mr. Sarkozy! I am sorry to inform you that we have had to call off the war."

"Really? I am sorry to hear that," says Sarkozy. "Why the sudden change of heart?"

"Well," says Paddy, "we had a long chat over a few pints of Guinness, and we decided there is no fookin' way we can feed 200,000 prisoners.


Stopped For Speeding

An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut.

The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car. He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?"

"Just water," says the priest.

The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?"

The priest looks at the bottle and says,
"Good Lord! He's done it again!"

I am falling for you ...

http://s3-ec.buzzfed.com/static/enha...58868276-1.gif

You can't beat kids for great answers!

A Baptist pastor was presenting a children's sermon. During the sermon, he asked the children if they knew what the resurrection was. Now, asking questions during children's sermons is crucial, but at the same time, asking children questions in front of a congregation can also be very dangerous. Having asked the children if they knew the meaning of the resurrection, a little boy raised his hand........

http://www.setiusa.us/X.MA1.1366484407@aol.com

The pastor called on him and the little boy said, "I know that if you have a resurrection that lasts more than four hours you are supposed to call the doctor." It took over ten minutes for the congregation to settle down enough for the service to continue.

I'm selling my pet python on ebay.

Some bloke just rang up and asked is it big? I said massive.

He said how many feet? I said none, it's a snake.


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9CdVTCDdEwI

Tomatoes

An unemployed man is desperate to support his family of a wife and

three kids.

He applies for a janitor's job at a large firm and easily passes an

aptitude test.

The human resources manager tells him, "You will be hired at minimum

wage of $5.35 an hour. Let me have your e-mail address so that we can

get you in the loop. Our system will automatically e-mail you all the

forms and advise you when to start and where to report on your first

day."

Taken aback, the man protests that he is poor and has neither a

computer nor an e-mail address.

To this the manager replies, "You must understand that to a company

like ours that means that you virtually do not exist. Without an

e-mail address you can hardly expect to be employed by a high-tech

firm. Good day."

Stunned, the man leaves. Not knowing where to turn and having $10 in

his wallet, he walks past a farmers' market and sees a stand selling

25 lb. crates of beautiful red tomatoes. He buys a crate, carries it

to a busy corner and displays the tomatoes. In less than 2 hours he

sells all the tomatoes and makes 100% profit. Repeating the process

several times more that day, he ends up with almost $100 and arrives

home that night with several bags of groceries for his family.

During the night he decides to repeat the tomato business the next

day. By the end of the week he is getting up early every day and

working into the night. He multiplies his profits quickly.

Early in the second week he acquires a cart to transport several

boxes of tomatoes at a time, but before a month is up he sells the

cart to buy a broken-down pickup truck.

At the end of a year he owns three old trucks. His two sons have left

their neighborhood gangs to help him with the tomato business, his

wife is buying the tomatoes, and his daughter is taking night courses

at the community college so she can keep books for him.

By the end of the second year he has a dozen very nice used trucks

and employs fifteen previously unemployed people, all selling

tomatoes. He continues to work hard.

Time passes and at the end of the fifth year he owns a fleet of nice

trucks and a warehouse that his wife supervises, plus two tomato

farms that the boys manage. The tomato company's payroll has put

hundreds of homeless and jobless people to work. His daughter reports

that the business grossed over one million dollars.

Planning for the future, he decides to buy some life insurance.

Consulting with an insurance adviser, he picks an insurance plan to

fit his new circumstances. Then the adviser asks him for his e-mail

address in order to send the final documents electronically.

When the man replies that he doesn't have time to mess with a

computer and has no e-mail address, the insurance man is stunned,

"What, you don't have e-mail? No computer? No Internet? Just think

where you would be today if you'd had all of that five years ago!"

"Ha!" snorts the man. "If I'd had e-mail five years ago I would be

sweeping floors at Microsoft and making $5.35 an hour."

Which brings us to the moral of the story:

Since you got this story by e-mail (or on an internet forum), you're

probably closer to being a janitor than a millionaire.

Sadly, I received it also.

One night, Mrs McMillen answers the door to see her husbands best friend, Paddy, standing on the doorstep.

"Hello Paddy, but where is my husband? He went with you to the beer factory"

Paddy shook his head. "Ah Mrs McMillen, there was a terrible accident at the beer factory, your husband fell into a vat of Guinness stout and drowned"

Mrs McMillen starts crying. "Oh don't tell me that, did he at least go quickly?"

Paddy shakes his head. "Not really - he got out 3 times to pee!"

:)) I love the tomato story.... :-bd

A quiet man, is a thinking man. A quiet woman, is usually mad.

Little Johnny came home from catechism class and asked his father
- Father, when Jesus was resurrected, He appeared first to women and not men?
- I don't know why, my son! Maybe it's because he wanted the news to spread faster!

A Meal to Die For

Previous Next

There was an Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman working on the top of a cliff. The Englishman said, "If I have cheese in my sandwich tomorrow, I'll jump off this cliff."

The Scotsman said, "If I have jam in my sandwich tomorrow, I'll jump off the cliff."

The Irishman said, "If I have ham tomorrow, I'll jump off the cliff."

The next day, the Englishman had cheese, the Irishman had ham, and the Scotsman had jam. So they all jumped.

At the funerals, the wives of the Scotsman and Englishman said, "Why didn't they just tell us they didn't like their sandwiches?"

The Irish lady said, "I don't know why my husband jumped off the cliff. He made his own sandwiches."

- Father, I need to do a work for school! Can I ask you a question?

- Of course, my son, what is the question?

- What is political, father?

- Well, politics involves: People, Government, Economic power, Working class; and the Future of the country.

- I don't understand, can you explain?

- Well, I will use our home as an example: Who brings money home is me, so I'm the economic power. Your mother manages and spends money, then she is the government. As you take care of her needs, you are the people. Your brother is the future of the country. The Zefinha, his nanny, is the working class. Got it, son?

- More or less, I will think better father.

That night, awakened by the cries of his little brother the boy went to see what was wrong. Found that his brother had soiled his diaper and was all smudged. He went to his parents' room and saw that his mother was in a very deep sleep. he went to his nanny's room and through the keyhole he could see his father fucking her ... As the two didn't perceived the beats the boy gave up from beating in the door, he returned to his room and slept. The next morning at breakfast, he said to his father:

- Dad, now I think I understand what politics is ...

- Great son! So explain to me with your words.

- Good father, I think is this: While the economic power fucks the working class, the government is in a deep asleep. The people are totally ignored and the future of the country is in the shit!

Someone Bad Joke :D

https://fbcdn-sphotos-d-a.akamaihd.n...13009713_n.jpg

Translation:
Is there life after death?
hop the fence
and find out.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Duke of Buckingham

https://fbcdn-sphotos-d-a.akamaihd.n...13009713_n.jpg

Translation:
Is there life after death?
hop the fence
and find out.

---

Yeah, I'd like to know. Okay Duke, you go first.... :D

A man goes into a pet shop to buy a parrot. The shop owner points to three identical-looking parrots on a perch and says, "The parrot on the left costs $500."

"Why does it cost so much?" asks the customer.

"Well," the owner explains, "that parrot knows how to do legal research."

The customer asks about the next parrot and is informed that it costs $1,000 because it can do everything the first parrot can do plus it knows how to write a brief that will win any case.

Naturally, the increasingly startled customer asks about the third parrot.

"$4,000," says the shop owner proudly.

"Wow!" the customer exclaims. "What can he do?!"

"To be honest," the shop owner admits, "I've never seen him do a darn thing, but the other two call him Senior Partner."

“Blind Portuguese Man”

One day while cruising Wall Mart I saw this blind Portuguese guy walking towards me as he was being pulled by his “Seeing Eye” dog. Suddenly he pulled the dog off the floor by it’s leash as it choked and started swinging it around in a circle. A store clerk ran up to him and cried, ” Mister, mister are you all right?” The man replied with ”I’m fine… just looking around.”

Milk Bath

A blonde heard that milk baths would make her beautiful. So she left a note for her milkman to leave 15 gallons of milk.

When the milkman read the note, he felt there must be a mistake. He thought she probably meant 1.5 gallons so he knocked on her door to clarify the point.

The blonde came to the door and the milkman said, "I found your note to leave 15 gallons of milk. Did you mean 1.5 gallons?"

The blonde said, "I want 15 gallons. I'm going to fill my bathtub up with milk and take a milk bath."

The milkman asked, "Do you want it Pasteurized?"

The blonde said, "No, just up to my boobs, I can splash it in my eyes."

A Chinese man rings his boss, “Me no work I sick.”
Boss says, “When I’m sick, I make love with my wife. Try that.”
Two hours later the Chinese man rings back, “Me better, you got nice house.”

Empathy for a homesick snowbird
I was in Jefferson City, Missouri the other day and saw a bumper sticker on a parked car that read, "I miss Chicago."
So I broke the window, stole the radio, shot out two of the tires, added an Obama bumper sticker on the bumper and left a note that read, "I hope this helps!"

Aliens Attack


President Dubya was awakened one night by an urgent call from the Pentagon.

"Mr. President," said the four-star general, barely able to contain himself, "there's good news & bad news."

"Oh, no," muttered the President, "Well, let me have the bad news first."

"The bad news, sir, is that we've been invaded by creatures from another planet."

"Gosh, and the good news?"

"The good news, sir, is that they eat reporters and pee oil."

Q: Why did the one-handed man cross the road?

A: To get to the second hand shop.

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"Frank, if you have 20 dollars and Bill takes away 14. What would you have?” said the teacher.

"A fight!” answers Frank.

http://mumblingnerd.files.wordpress....pg?w=300&h=300

A little kid gets on a city bus, sits right behind the driver, and starts talking loudly, "If my dad was a bull and my mom a cow, I'd be a little bull."

The driver gets annoyed as the kids continues to yammer on. "If my dad was an rooster and my mom a hen, I would be a little chick."

The kid goes on and on with all the animals he knows, when finally, the bus driver yells, "What if your dad was a bum and your mom was a drunk?"

The kid smiles and says, "I'd be a bus driver."


Q: What's the definition of diplomacy?

A: The ability to tell a person to go to hell in such a way that they look forward to the trip.

http://www.jantoo.com/cartoons/lowre...930231_low.jpg

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Mad Cow Concern


A husband and wife go to a restaurant. The waiter approaches the table to take their order.

"I'll have your biggest, juiciest steak," says the husband.

"But sir, what about the mad cow?" asks the waiter.

"Oh," says the husband, "she'll order for herself."

http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-tpWHkjfdt7...+bad+Idea.jpeg
GOODNIGHT

Woman1: "Do you ever talk to your man during sex?"

Woman2: "Only if he phones me."

Last Marriage in life:

Me in the car, my next wife (Annie) on the wheel while she closes the convertible roof of the car on the fast food drive inn..

Annie - Did you saw the movie misery?
Ric - Yeeesssssssss
Annie - So nothing of what is going to happen is going to be new for you ... Oh, Ric. What a poet you are.
Waitress (of the drive inn): I just wanted to tell you I'm your number one fan.
Ric running away very fast ...

Duke bad jokes.

Charitbale Case

A very rich lawyer is approached by a charity worker who is concerned that the lawyer didn't donate any money to charity, despite making over £1m that year. "First of all," says the lawyer, "my mother is bedridden and gets no help from social services. Second, I have five kids through three divorce marriages. Third, my sister's husband recently died and she has no one to support her four children." "I'm terribly sorry," says the charity worker, "I feel bad about asking for your money." So you should," replies the lawyer. "If I'm not giving them any money, why should I give you any?"

A Chinese family of 5, named Chu, Bu, Hu, Su and Fu decided to immigrate to the United States.

In order to get a visa, they had to adapt their names to American standards.

Chu became Chuck.
Bu became Buck.
Hu became Huck.

Su and Fu decided to stay in China!

How many times did they have to start over?

http://www.youtube.com/embed/AA56LgpFbSw?rel=0

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by c303a

How many times did they have to start over?

http://www.youtube.com/embed/AA56LgpFbSw?rel=0

---

That's really, really good. Thanks for sharing.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by c303a

How many times did they have to start over?

http://www.youtube.com/embed/AA56LgpFbSw?rel=0

---

More than once I bet., very good

"China is now expected to surpass Japan as the 2nd richest country in the world. They could become the richest, but that's only if we pay them the money we owe them, and that's not going to happen." –Jay Leno

"A new survey shows that 1 in 5 Americans believe that God steers the economy. Mystery solved: God is Chinese." –Conan O'Brien

"China is now grading restaurants' hygiene using smiley faces and frown faces. Really? Who do they have working on this stuff in China, kids? Oh." –Jimmy Fallon

"China has told us our days of squandering borrowed money are over. So maybe we shouldn’t tell them we just spent $76 million going to the Smurf movie." –Conan O'Brien

"The U.S. is now in serious danger of defaulting on our foreign loans, which explains why today, China showed up and broke the Statue of Liberty's kneecaps." –Jimmy Fallon

"A new study has found that the majority of wealthy people in China want to move to other countries and the government is trying to find ways to keep them. If only they could build a big wall." –Jay Leno

"President Obama has offered bailout money to keep Greece from defaulting on its loans. Yeah, when Greece thanked him, Obama was like, 'Don't mention it . . . to China, because it's their money.'" —Jimmy Fallon

"The Chinese economy has shown signs of slowing down. Experts say that's what happens when your workforce starts to enter its teens." —Conan O'Brien

"Congress has rejected raising the debt ceiling, so if China calls, let it go to voicemail." –Stephen Colbert

"In China they say piracy is so rampant that there are at least three fake Apple stores. It's hard to put these people out of the business. If China arrests them for selling fake Apple products, they'll be sent to prison where they will be forced to make real Apple products." –Jay Leno

"Two things you need to know about taxes. They've extended the deadline to April 18, and when you write your check, just make it out to China." –David Letterman

"President Obama revealed that up until a few years ago, he was still paying off his student loans. In response, China was like, 'Oh, so you DO know how to repay loans.'" –Jimmy Fallon

"This is the anniversary of the Great Wall of China. We often say what’s the deal with these Chinese? But in all honesty, since they built the Great Wall, not one Mexican has sneaked in." –David Letterman

"America is producing fewer Caucasian babies. I suppose China is beating us at that too." –Stephen Colbert

"Obama's focus tonight was on the economy. He talked a lot about how he wants to create jobs and then announced a plan to freeze government spending. He's promising to put people to work without spending any money to do it, which is what happens after you get a visit from the president of China." –Jimmy Kimmel

"Chinese President Hu Jintao was hinting that China may not loan the U.S. any more money. President Obama is now talking to him about a reverse mortgage." –Jay Leno

"It was quite a site to see Obama next to President Hu. Obama has a Nobel Peace Prize in his basement, and Hu has a Nobel Peace prize winner in his." –Bill Maher

"While visiting Chicago, President Hu met with Cubs fans. Apparently, he wanted to see some Americans who have suffered more human rights violations than his own people." –Jay Leno

"The White House held a state dinner for Chinese President Hu Jintao. There were 200 people, a six-course dinner, and champagne. It was so expensive that we had to borrow money from China for the dinner." –David Letterman

"Chinese President Hu Jintao had dinner at the White House with President Obama and first lady Michelle. They were going to exchange gifts from the two countries, but unfortunately everything in our country is now made in their country, so they couldn't do any exchanging." –Jay Leno

"There was one really awkward moment when Hu found out that Obama was a Nobel Peace Prize winner and, out of force of habit, tried to have him arrested." –Jay Leno

"Chinese President Hu Jintao visited President Obama at the White House yesterday. There was one very awkward moment when the Chinese President met the Obama daughters and asked, 'So, which factory do you work at?'" –Jay Leno

"At the state dinner for Chinese President Hu Jintao, Hu opened a fortune cookie that said, 'You will lend us another trillion dollars.'" –Conan O'Brien

"Hu told President Obama's 9-year-old daughter, Sasha, that she's a pretty little girl and asked her how many iPods she could make in an hour." –Conan O'Brien

"Chinese President Hu Jintao is visiting us. When a country owes you a billion dollars they have a problem. When they owe you a trillion dollars, YOU have a problem. We’re too big to fail!" –Jon Stewart

"The President of China is in Washington. It's a bit like when you're into your bookie for more than you can afford, and he stops by the house to say hello." –Jimmy Kimmel

"China's President Hu is visiting the United States. If he likes what he sees, he may put down a deposit." –David Letterman

"The White House held a state dinner for Chinese President Hu Jintao. President Obama wore a traditional Chinese-made garment: a pair of Nikes." –Jay Leno

"Obama and Hu had a private dinner the night before. When Obama tried to pick up the check, Hu said, 'Your money is no good here.' Obama laughed, and Hu said, 'No, really, your money is no good.'" –Jay Leno

"President Hu's advance team came a week earlier to make sure that wherever he's staying has no Chinese drywall." –Jay Leno

"President Obama held a state dinner for Chinese President Hu Jintao. The world leader with the funny name, who grew up in Asia, said he enjoyed meeting President Hu." –Conan O'Brien "Senate majority leader Harry Reid refused to attend the state dinner for Chinese President because he considers Hu Jintao a dictator. In response Jintao said, 'You're coming. You'll have the fish, and you'll like it.'" –Conan O'Brien "Chinese President Hu Jintao visited the White House. Fox News said it was a gathering of the world's most powerful communist — and the president of China." –Craig Ferguson

"New Speaker of the House John Boehner chose not to attend the dinner for Chinese President Hu. In China, they're calling him an orange chicken." –Jimmy Fallon

"Chinese President Hu Jintao will be at the White House next week. The good news is, he has no plans to foreclose. We can stay another month." –Jay Leno

http://www.chowstatic.com/uploads/2/...at_giraffe.jpg

Different Degrees of Blondeness

FIRST DEGREE
A married couple were asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning. The wife (undoubtedly blonde), picked up the phone, listened a moment and said, "How should I know, that's 200 miles from here!" and hung up. The husband said, "Who was that?" The wife said, "I don't know, some woman wanting to know if the coast is clear."

SECOND DEGREE
Two blondes are walking down the street. One notices a compact on the sidewalk and leans down to pick it up. She opens it, looks in the mirror and says, "Hmm, this person looks familiar." The second blonde says, "Here, let me see!" So the first blonde hands her the compact. The second one looks in the mirror and says, "You dummy, it's me!"

THIRD DEGREE
A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and when she opens the door she finds him in the arms of a redhead. Well, the blonde is really angry. She opens her purse to take out the gun, and as she does so, she is overcome with grief She takes the gun and puts it to her head The boyfriend yells, "No, honey, don't do it!!!" The blonde replies, "Shut up, you're next!"

FOURTH DEGREE
A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of state capitals. She proudly says, "Go ahead, ask me, I know all of them." A friend says, "OK, what's the capital of Wisconsin?" The blonde replies, "Oh, that's easy: W."

FIFTH DEGREE
What did the blonde ask her doctor when he told her she was pregnant? "Is it mine?"

SIXTH DEGREE
Bambi, a blonde in her fourth year as a UCLA freshman, sat in her US government class. The professor asked Bambi if she knew what Roe vs. Wade was about. Bambi pondered the question then finally said, "That was the decision George Washington had to make before he crossed the Delaware."

SEVENTH DEGREE
Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house Ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the radio, and a K-9 unit, patrolling nearby was the first to respond. As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps. Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, "I come home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do? They send me a BLIND policeman."

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