:p When I was bon I was so hugly the doctor said if he dont bark in 15 days you may raise him for he is a person.
The Duck :mad:
Printable View
:p When I was bon I was so hugly the doctor said if he dont bark in 15 days you may raise him for he is a person.
The Duck :mad:
Hah! When I was born, my head was so huge that the doctor's comment was "Wow, I've never seen a baby whose head was bigger than his shoulders." And sadly, that's not even a joke. My poor mother...
Once between three friends talking the first said If one day I arrive home and my wife was with another man I would kill my wife. The second said I would kill the guy. And after abig Gap both asked the Third and you what would you do? He said well I would put the dog on the street and throw the walking stick out the window. One of the other two said "the dog" the other said "walking stick"?????? So the man replied for someone to be with my wife he must be blind...:cool:
Oh my god. That was awesome!Quote:
Originally Posted by Duke of Buckingham
A Politician anywhere in the world was once asked about his attitude toward whiskey.
If you mean the demon drink that poisons the mind, pollutes the body, desecrates family life, and inflames sinners, then I'm against it. But if you mean the elixir of Christmas cheer, the shield against winter chill, the taxable potion that puts needed funds into public coffers to comfort little crippled children, then I'm for it. This is my position, and I will not compromise.
Six retired Irishmen were playing poker in Monaghan's flat in Dungarvan when Sean O'Toole loses €700 on a single hand, clutches his chest and drops dead at the table.
Showing respect for their fallen brother, the other five continue playing standing up. Michael Lennon looks around and asks, 'Oh, me boys, someone's got to tell Sean's wife. Who will it be?'
They draw straws. Cavan Colquhoun picks the short one. They tell him to be discreet and gentle and not to make a bad situation any worse.' Discreet? I'm the most discreet Irishmen you'll ever meet. Discretion is my middle name. Leave it to me.' announces Cavan.
He goes over to O'Toole's house and knocks on the door.
Brenda O'Toole answers and asks what he wants. Cavan declares: 'Your husband just lost €700 and is afraid to come home.'
'Tell him to drop dead!' snarls Brenda.' I'll go tell him.' says Cavan.
http://www.guy-sports.com/fun_pictures/phone_pub.jpg
Well played, Duke. Well played...
I'm pretty sure this qualifies as brilliantly dumb. And completely awesome.
http://funnyblerg.blogspot.com/2011/...parody-in.html
The Engineer and The Manager
A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realizes he is lost. He reduces height and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts: "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised my friend I would meet him half an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."
The man below says: "Yes. You are in a hot air balloon, hovering approximately 30 feet above this field. You are between 40 and 42 degrees N. latitude, and between 58 and 60 degrees W. longitude."
"You must be an engineer," says the balloonist.
"I am," replies the man. "How did you know."
"Well," says the balloonist, "everything you have told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I am still lost."
The man below says "You must be a manager."
"I am," replies the balloonist, "but how did you know?"
"Well," says the man, "you don't know where you are, or where you are going. You have made a promise which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. The fact is you are in the exact same position you were in before we met, but now it is somehow my fault."
http://friends18.com/img/funny-animation/0329.gif
http://www.reconnectedsoul.com/wp-co...little-boy.jpg
I can see you better now
The Budweiser Drunk,
A woman goes to the doctor all black and blue ...
Doctor: "What happened?"
Woman: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every time my husband comes home drunk on Budweiser he beats me to a pulp."
Doctor: "I have a real good remedy for that. When your husband comes home drunk on Budweiser, just take a glass of sweet tea and start swishing it in your mouth but don't swallow. Just keep swishing and swishing and swishing until he goes to bed in his Budweiser stupor."
Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.
Woman: "Doctor, that was a brilliant idea. Every time my husband came home drunk on Budweiser, I swished with sweet tea. I swished and swished and he didn't touch me!"
Doctor: "You see how much keeping your mouth shut helps?"
http://www.jokesprank.com/gallery/da...unnyHorse1.jpg
I like it a lot.
Duke
Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of tampons and proceeded to the checkout counter.
The man at the counter asked the older boy, "Son, how old are you?"
"Eight," the boy replied.
The man continued, "do you know what these are used for?"
The boy replied, "not exactly, but they aren't for me. They're for him. He's my brother. He's four. We saw on TV that if you use these you would be able to swim and ride a bike. Right now, he can't do either."
A teenage granddaughter comes downstairs for her date with this see-through blouse on and no bra.
Her grandmother just pitched a fit, telling her not to dare go out like that!
The teenager tells her 'Loosen up Grams. These are modern times. You gotta let your rose buds show!' And out she goes.
The next day the teenager comes down stairs,
And the grandmother is sitting there with no top on.
The teenager wants to die.
She explains to her grandmother that she has friends coming over And that it is just not appropriate...
The grandmother says, 'Loosen up, Sweetie. If you can show off your rose buds, Then I can display my hanging baskets.
Happy Gardening.
Don't mess with a Senior Citizen!
The History of the Internet
In ancient Israel , it came to pass that a trader by the name of Abraham Com did take unto himself a young wife by the name of Dot. And Dot Com was a comely woman, broad of shoulder and long of leg.. Indeed, she was often called Amazon Dot Com.
And she said unto Abraham , her husband, "Why dost thou travel so far from town to town with thy goods when thou canst trade without ever leaving thy tent?"
And Abraham did look at her as though she were several saddle bags short of a camel load, but simply said, "How, dear?"
And Dot replied, "I will place drums in all the towns and drums in between to send messages saying what you have for sale, and they will reply telling you who hath the best price. And the sale can be made on the drums and delivery made by Uriah's Pony Stable (UPS)."
Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the drums. And the drums rang out and were an immediate success. Abraham sold all the goods he had at the top price, without ever having to move from his tent.
To prevent neighboring countries from overhearing what the drums were saying, Dot devised a system that only she and the drummers knew. It was known as Must Send Drum Over Sound (MSDOS), and she also developed a language to transmit ideas and pictures - Hebrew To The People (HTTP).
And the young men did take to Dot Com's trading as doth the greedy horsefly take to camel dung. They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican Sybarites, or NERDS.
And lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the deafening sound of drums that no one noticed that the real riches were going to that enterprising drum dealer, Brother William of Gates, who bought off every drum maker in the land. And indeed did insist on drums to be made that would work only with Brother Gates ' drumheads and drumsticks.
And Dot did say, "Oh, Abraham , what we have started is being taken over by others."
And Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel , or eBay as it came to be known. He said, "We need a name that reflects what we are."
And Dot replied, "Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators." "YAHOO," said Abraham. And because it was Dot's idea, they named it YAHOO Dot Com.
Abraham's cousin, Joshua , being the young Gregarious Energetic Educated Kid (GEEK) that he was, soon started using Dot's drums to locate things around the countryside. It soon became known as God's Own Official Guide to Locating Everything (GOOGLE).
That is how it all began. And that's the truth.
Yes that happens a lot to me the other day I went to an analyst complaining about delusions of grandeur. When the therapist led me to the divan, he begins the dialog: – Relax and begin by the first beginning … – Good, doctor, in the beginning I did the Sky and the Land …
I dont understand why I am closed in an institution since then.
Duke :confused:
In reference to why men can sleep with lots a women and it's fine, but women can't sleep with lots of men or else they're whores. "If a key opens a lot of locks, it's a master key. But if a lock is opened by a lot of different keys, it's just a crappy lock." :D
I'm going to remember that one. You never know when your going to want to start a fight and this is as good a jumping off spot as any!:)Quote:
Originally Posted by STMahlberg
LOL That will do it for you. :)Quote:
Originally Posted by Crazybob
From: Subject: Fwd: Men who lack female supervision
Some good examples below.
http://img6.imageshack.us/img6/4609/att00001pg.jpg
http://img821.imageshack.us/img821/9070/att00002v.jpg
http://img546.imageshack.us/img546/3566/att00003k.jpg
http://img832.imageshack.us/img832/4879/att00004hd.jpg
http://img594.imageshack.us/img594/4356/att00005a.jpg
http://img696.imageshack.us/img696/1959/att00006gd.jpg
http://img59.imageshack.us/img59/3469/att00007ax.jpg
http://img689.imageshack.us/img689/3373/att00008a.jpg
http://img854.imageshack.us/img854/3606/att00009.jpg
http://img405.imageshack.us/img405/9982/att00010c.jpg
http://img155.imageshack.us/img155/9985/att00011x.jpg
http://img192.imageshack.us/img192/8847/att00012d.jpg
I wonder if the can at the lower right hand corner had anything to do with this...:-?Quote:
Originally Posted by STMahlberg
Great stuff guys...... Way funny :P
A drunken cowboy lay sprawled across three entire seats in the posh Amarillo Theater. When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the cowboy, 'Sorry, sir, but you're only allowed one seat.'
The cowboy groaned but didn't budge. The usher became more impatient: 'Sir, if you don't get up from there I'm going to have to call the manager.'
Once again, the cowboy just groaned. The usher marched briskly back up the aisle, and in a moment he returned with the manager. Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move the cowboy, but with no success.
Finally they summoned the police. The Texas Ranger surveyed the situation briefly then asked, 'All right buddy what's your name?'
'Fred,' the cowboy moaned.
'Where ya from, Fred?' asked the Ranger.
With terrible pain in his voice, and without moving a muscle, Fred replied,
....the
balcony...
Maxwell let the dishwasher alone joker isnt there.
http://funkydowntown.com/wp-content/...azy-Kids-2.jpg
http://2pep.com/funny%20pics/worlds%...ics_of_kid.jpg
The kid is usings Bok's symbol, is that you Bok?
You have a great sense of imagination and humor Duke. Keep it up mate, I love it and look forward to your posts.
Keep on crunching and have a nice day...
CP
Duke!!!! Those pics are outrageously funny =))
\m/ \m/ \m/
Thanks F$. One more to you.
http://images.fineartamerica.com/ima...iele-smith.jpg http://photo.goodreads.com/books/118...2l/1130421.jpg
http://www.1999.co.jp/itbig06/10069556a9.jpg
If F$ is going to the beach. I will go also. Is only put this cloths.
http://www.1999.co.jp/itbig06/10069556a7.jpg
Wait for me F$ I can be anybody's mother.
This picture is why I'm not allowed with 500 meters of an elementary school now.Quote:
Originally Posted by Duke of Buckingham
:cool:;):D:o
Hey Zombie , is this your favourite restaurant?
http://mrsmouthy.files.wordpress.com/2009/12/shirt.jpg
http://i.ehow.com/images/a02/6p/hc/c...er-800X800.jpg
Maxwell ... Maxwell ... Where are you?
http://www.layoutlocator.com/graphic...2107014017.gif
He is not here also...
A Portuguese opens a branch of his nail shop in Rome. As advertising is everything, he did a billboard with a picture of Christ nailed to the cross and underneath was written:
"Nails Garcia - 2000 years of guarantee."
It was a uproar. A Bishop of Rome was personally going to talk to the Portuguese and explained that he could not do that, that was a mortal sin.
So decided to make a new billboard. Placed Christ with one hand nailed to the cross and the other loose, giving bye-bye. Underneath was written:
"Guess in which hand was used the Nail Garcia?"
- God of Heaven!
Even the Holy Father left the Vatican and go to talk with the Portuguese:
- What heresy my son! You can not use Jesus Christ as your poster boy ... Invent something and remove it now!
- Then I'll make a new billboard, without Christ! - Thought the Portuguese.
He put the photo of the empty cross and underneath was written:
"If the nail was Garcia, The guy would not run away ..."
http://www.modresdes.com/wp-content/...-Nailing-3.jpg
The Jacob will put an advert in the newspaper.
- I would like to place an obituary about the death of my wife, says to the attendant.
- Yes, what are the words?
- Sarah died!
- That's it? - Cried the boy.
- Yes, Jacob did not want to spend much.
- But the minimum price allows up to five words.
- He adds: "Sarah died. Sell Chevrolet 94."
Too soon lawl o.OQuote:
Originally Posted by Duke of Buckingham
Meanwhile in Russia...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0zxxM9EYQzY
I don't know if anyone else has seen this in the BM messages tab. I just noticed it today and got a good laugh out of it.
FreeHAL@home 10/27/2011 2:38:13 PM update requested by user
FreeHAL@home 10/27/2011 2:38:15 PM Sending scheduler request: Requested by user.
FreeHAL@home 10/27/2011 2:38:15 PM Reporting 4 completed tasks, requesting new tasks for CPU
FreeHAL@home 10/27/2011 2:38:18 PM Scheduler request completed: got 0 new tasks
FreeHAL@home 10/27/2011 2:38:18 PM Message from server: Not sending work - in a metaphorical sense, you are stuck in a traffic jam
Six months since I see those messages at least twice a month but I will try any emotion on that. And this time they are not alone Yafu and DNA were with that message to.
http://media.myspacepimper.com/conte...smiles_407.gif