Homer Simpson Quotes of Wisdom

Homer Simpson Quotes of Wisdom

Homer : When it comes to compliments, women are ravenous blood-sucking monsters always want'n more ... more ... MORE! And if you give it to them, you'll get plenty back in return.
Bart : Like what?
Homer : I'll tell you when you're older.

Homer : You know, when I was a boy, I really wanted a catcher's mitt, but my dad wouldn't get it for me. So I held my breath until I passed out and banged my head on the coffee table. [cheerily] The doctor thought I might have brain damage.
Bart : Dad, what's the point of this story?
Homer : I like stories.

If something goes wrong at the plant, blame the guy who can't speak English.

Son, a woman is a lot like a... a refrigerator! They're about six feet tall, 300 pounds. They make ice, and ... um ... Oh, wait a minute. Actually, a woman is more like a beer. They smell good, they look good, you'd step over your own mother just to get one! But you can't stop at one. You wanna drink another woman!

If you're going to get mad at me every time I do something stupid, then I guess I'll just have to stop doing stupid things!

The sooner kids talk, the sooner they talk back. I hope you never say a word.

Kids, kids. I'm not going to die. That only happens to bad people.

Let me handle this, Marge, I've heard 'em all.
"I like you as a friend."
"I think we should see other people."
"I don't speak English."
"I'm married to the sea."
"I don't wanna kill you, but I will.
"... Six simple words : I'm not gay, but I'll learn. ( advice to Lisa on boys ).

Lisa : Dad, is it all right to take things from people you don't like?
Homer : Sure it is, honey. You _do_ mean stealing, don't you?

Marge, I'm going to miss you so much. And it's not just the sex. It's also the food preparation.

Marge : Homer, you're going to be famous!
Homer : Yeah, but I'm not gonna let it change our lives. I'll be the same loving father I've always been.
Marge : Hmm, have you seen Bart?
Homer : Ehh, I stuck him somewhere.

Woo-hoo! I'm a college man! I won't need my high school diploma any more! I am so smart! I am so smart! I am so smart! I am so smart! s-m-r-t! I mean, s-m-A-r-t ...

Ah, TV respects me. It laughs _with_ me, not at me!

Are you mad, woman? You never know when an old calendar might come in handy. Sure, it's not 1985 now, but who knows what tomorrow will bring? And these TV Guides ... so many memories.

Bart! With $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like ... love!

Kids, you tried your best, and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try. Heh heh heh -- right in the butt. That was great.

You think I don't want to? It's those TV networks, Marge ... they won't let me. One quality show after another, each one fresher and more brilliant than the last. If they only stumbled once, just gave us thirty minutes to ourselves, but they won't! They won't let me live!

Lisa :Sorry, Dad, we _do_ believe in you, we really do.
Bart : It's just hard not to listen to TV ... it's spent so much more time raising us than you have.
Homer : Oh, maybe TV _is_ right. TV's _always_ right!

Come on, Marge, I want to shake off the dust of this one-horse town. I want to explore the world. I want to watch TV in a different time zone. I want to visit strange, exotic malls. I'm sick of eating hoagies. I want a grinder, a sub, a foot-long hero ... I want to _live_, Marge! Won't you let me _live_? Won't you please?!

I've always wondered if there was a god. And now I know there is -- and it's me.

So here's the deal : you freeze everything as it is, and I won't ask for anything more. If that is OK, please give me absolutely no sign ... OK, deal. In gratitude, I present you this offering of cookies and milk. If you want me to eat them for you, please give me no sign ... Thy will be done!

The information superhighway showed the average person what some nerd thinks about Star Trek.

Uh, Lisa, the whole reason we have elected officials is so we don't _have_ to think all the time. Just like that rainforest scare a few years back : our officials saw there was a problem and they fixed it, didn't they?

Oh, OK Marge, I'll get along with them. Then, I will hug some snakes ... yes! Then, I will hug and kiss some poisonous snakes. Now _that's_ sarcasm.( about getting along with Marge's sisters ).

Forty seconds? But I want it now!

Homer : Lisa honey, are you saying you're _never_ going to eat any animal again? What about bacon?
Lisa : No.
Homer : Ham?
Lisa : No.
Homer : Pork chops?
Lisa : Dad! Those all come from the same animal!
Homer : Yeah, right Lisa. A wonderful, magical animal.

All normal people love meat. If I went to a barbeque and there was no meat, I would say 'Yo Goober! Where's the meat!?'. I'm trying to impress people here Lisa. You don't win friends with salad.

[reading screen] "To Start Press Any Key". Where's the ANY key? I see Esk ["ESC"], Catarl ["CTRL"], and Pig-Up ["PGUP"]. There doesn't seem to be any ANY key. Woo! All this computer hacking is making me thirsty. I think I'll order a TAB. [presses TAB key].

The slim lazy Homer you knew is dead. Now I'm a big fat dynamo! And where's that cake?

Homer : Marge, I'm bored.
Marge : Why don't you read something?
Homer : Because I'm trying to _reduce_ my boredom.

Well, I'm tired of being a wannabe league bowler. I wanna be a league bowler!

I guess some people never change. Or, they quickly change and then quickly change back.

Pftt ... Rules. I'm a rocker, I don't care for rules.

Oh, Marge, I thought I had an appetite for destruction, but all I wanted was a club sandwitch.

Ew! Lisa, honey, if it'll make you feel better I'll destroy something Bart loves.

Your mother seems really upset about something. I better go have a talk with her ... during the commercial.

Marge : Night vision goggles? A bathroom scale from a soviet sub? A suede briefcase case? Anyone who needs this kind of status symbol must have some terrible emotional problems.
Homer : Marge, look! The world's best jacket. If I had this, it would show everybody! Show everybody!

You can't keep blaming yourself. Just blame yourself once, and move on.

Marge : Homer, is this the way you pictured married life?
Homer : Yeah, pretty much. Except we drove around in a van solving mysteries.

Homer : Ohmygod! Ohmygod! Ohmygod! Oh my god! I danced with a gay! Marge, Lisa, promise me you won't tell anyone. [shaking Lisa] Promise me!!
Marge : You're being ridiculous.
Homer : Am I, Marge? Am I? Think of the property values.Now we can never say only straight people have been in this house.

Well, at least I liked it. Didn't I?

Oh, honey, you're not the world's worst mother. What about that freezer lady in Georgia?

I hope you learned your lesson, Lisa. Never help anyone.

Smithers : Simpson, what are you doing here? Why aren't you at work?
Homer : I made a bad mistake and Lenny sent me home to think about what I did. I don't remember what it was, so I'm watching TV.

Marge : Homer, the Lord only asks for an hour a week.
Homer : Well in that case he should've made the week an hour longer. [mumbles] Lousy God ...

I don't have to be careful. I got a gun.

Bart : Dad, I've got some bad news.
Homer : Your mother's not pregnant, is she?

Hello, son. I wanna apologise. I just got so caught up trying to encourage you I was blinded to your stinky performance. If you forgive me I promise I'll never encourage you again.

Lovejoy : Now, even Lisa Simpson, must agree that we have witnessed a miracle.
Lisa : Hardly. Anyone could have written that.
Homer : Oh angle, listen not to this child of Satan!

My campaign is a disaster, Moe. I hate the public so much. If only they'd elect me, I'd make them pay.

If you really need money, you can sell your kidney or even your car.

Marge, how could you let me let myself go like this? ( about his weight ).

I'm awake. I'm awake. I'm protected member of the team. You can't fire me, I quit! Please, I have a family. ( woken up at work ).

Stupid risks make life worth living.

Marge : Well, maybe our next anniversary will be more romantic. Aww, look, Homey, our wedding cake!
Homer : You mean there's been cake in our freezer for eleven years? Why was I not informed?

Homer : I promise you kids lots of things. That's what makes me such a good father!
Lisa : Actually, keeping promises would make you a good father.
Homer : No, that would make me a great father.

The sun? That's the hottest place on Earth.

Homer : Well, here we are. The whole family. All together, sharing, getting to know each other, exchanging ideas, stories and laughs, snuggling up, bonding together as only a tightly-knit family can. Why, we're more than a ...
Bart : Dad, you can stop now. The commercial's over. The show's back on.
Homer: Oh. Oh, yeah.

Marge : This should be a time ... for communication.
Homer : That's a good idea, dear. Bart, turn on the TV.

I've been asked to tell you that the following show is very scary, with stuff that might give your kids nightmares. You see, there are some cry babies out there, religious types mostly, who might be offended. If you are one of them, I advise you to turn off your set now. Come on! I dare ya! Buwack buck buck buck buck buck buck buck Buwack buck buck buck, Chicken!"

Ooh! I remember Television! ( about the 50s ).

Oh! no, you are not getting me on that dance floor. Don't try and make me. Otherwise, God help me, I'll give you that divorce.

Finally I won respect from my fellow men ( Homer the motorcyclist ).

Remember to rebel against the authorities, kids!

This gang is for REBELS, Flanders, not for CONFORMOES.

You know that hard look I get in my eyes? They saw that and ran like school girls with tails between their legs. ( Hell Satan gang members ).

Ooh! a million times!!! ( faster porno download ).

That had nothing to do with the bucket ( driving with a bucket glued to his head ).

So, all this was a rouge to get money ( college reunion ).

Brother Faith : You feel trapped and are desperate.
Homer : yeah ... and I have a bucket on my head.

He cannot admit he likes her until he knows she likes him ( Flanders and Rachel ).

Lisa : I thought we're doing this out of friendship.
Homer : That doesn't sound like me.

Flanders has cooties ... Flanders has cooties ... Flanders has cooties ...

Is she still bossing you around from beyond the grave? Can they do that?!? ( Flanders and Maude ).

I can spearhead the whole begging thing.

I am sorry the tickets don't cover visions, miracles or other godly hoohaas.

Somebody COULD get hurt ... COULD ... but chances are they won't.

Oh! what's going on? ... gmmmm ... I want a non-gay explanation. ( Bart and Miller in dresses ).

Let me see ... that's 3 christmases I saved ... 8 I ruined ... 2 were kind of draw ...

That is to scratch your ass (extra fork).

Jimmy is an ugly word, Marge, unless it is Jimmy Smits ... Grrrrrhhh ...

Look at that land ... with their laws and ethics ... they'll never know the joy of a monkey life.

Oh! pirates ... are you friendly pirates?

After living like a billionaire, this place looks like a dump.

That is right. Even if we are not rich, that doesn't mean ... [sob sob sob] ... I can't even finish it ... I want to be rich [sob sob sob].

Homer : Why wouldn't anyone give me any award?
Lisa : You won a Grammy.
Homer : An award worth winning.

I can be a jerk and no one can stop me

Nobody gets into heaven without a glowstick.

Flanders : I think we just hit something.
Homer : I hope it was Flanders!

Oh, I don磘 have the discipline to be a hippie.

Homer : Come on, son, let's watch some telvision.
Bart : What's on, Dad?
Homer : It doesn't matter ...

Marge : One person CAN change the world, but most of the time, you probably shouldn't.

Big brother representative : Now, Mr. Simpson, may I ask why you're here?
Homer's brain : Don't say revenge. Don't say revenge.
Homer : Ummm ... revenge???
Homer's brain : Okay, that's it. I'm outta here. (step step step ... slam)

Homer's brain : Use reverse psychology.
Homer : Oh, that sounds too complicated.
Homer's brain : Okay, don't use reverse psychology.
Homer : Okay, I will!

Lisa : Dad, we did something very bad!
Homer : Did you wreck the car?
Bart : No.
Homer : Did you raise the dead?
Lisa : Yes.
Homer : But the car's okay?
Bart & Lisa : Uh-huh.
Homer : All right then.

A boy without mischief is like a bowling ball without a liquid center.

50 cents??? Did this country give me a break? They spat on me.

I stand by my disappointed growl.

Look Lisa, it glows ... mmmmm

Anybody cares what this guy says???

Son, I learned everything I needed to know from The Horse Whisperer. ... [whisper] ... Horse ... go REALLY fast.

Dunkin, I don't care what the odd are ... 5 MILLION TO 1 !!!!! Ohhhhhh [sob].

Dunkin, better win or ... we are taking a trip to the glue factory and HE doesn't get to come.

Horse Jockey : Would you like to join us in the jockey lounge?
Homer : I've been waiting all my life to hear that.

Hello, is this President Clinton? Good! I figured if anyone knew where to get some tang it would be you.

I think Smithers picked me because of my motivational skills. Everyone says they have to work a lot harder when I’m around.

Bart : That’s a hitch-hiker, Homer.
Homer : Ooh, let’s pick him up!
Marge : No! What if he’s crazy?
Homer : And what if he’s not? Then we’d look like idiots.

Homer : Wait a minute, there’s something bothering me about this place. I know! This lesbian bar doesn’t have a fire exit! Enjoy your death trap ladies!
Woman : What was her problem?

I’ve figured out an alternative to giving up my beer. Basically, we become a family of travelling acrobats.

Faith : Lisa, I’m Faith Crowley, Patriotism Editor of Reading Digest.
Homer : Oh, I love your magazine. My favourite section is “How to increase your word power.” That thing is really, really ... good.

Lisa : Aunt Selma, this may be presumptuous, but have you ever considered artificial insemination?
Homer : Boy, I don’t know. You gotta be pretty desperate to make it with a robot.

Marge : I’m afraid we’re going to need a bigger place.
Homer : No, we won’t. I’ve got it all figured out. The baby can have Bart’s crib and Bart’ll sleep with us until he’s 21.
Marge: Won’t that warp him?
Homer : My cousin Frank did it.
Marge : You don’t have a cousin Frank.
Homer : He became Francine back in ’76. Then he joined that cult. I think his name is Mother Shabubu now.

Here are your messages : ‘You have thirty minutes to move your car.’ ‘You have ten minutes to move your car.’ ‘Your car has been impounded.’ ‘Your car has been crushed into a cube.’ ‘You have thirty minutes to move your cube.’

Marge, when I join an underground cult I expect a little support from my family.

Marge : What happened to you, Homer? And what happened to the car?
Homer: Nothin’.
Marge : I don’t think it had broken axles before.
Homer : Before, before! You’re livin’ in the past, Marge. Quit livin’ in the past!

Marge : Oh, that sounds fabulous , Homer. Stores throw the best parties.
Homer : You like parties huh? Well, I just remembered they’re having a big one down at the waterfront this weekend.
Marge : You didn’t remember that. You just saw it on TV.
Homer : The important thing is I didn’t imagine it.

Homer : That tree’s been in the town of Springfield since the days of our forefathers. Give it back, or we’ll bust in there and take it!
Tow truck man : Bust in here and take it? You must be stupider than you look.
Homer : Stupider like a fox!

Aw, being a clown sux. You get kicked by kids, hit by dogs, and admired by the elderly. Who am I clowning? I have no business being a clown! I’m leaving the clowning business to all the other clowns in the clowning business.

I saw weird stuff in that place last night. Weird, strange, sick, twisted, eerie, godless, evil stuff. And I want in.

Our lives are in the hands of men no smarter than you or I. Many of them incompetent boobs. I know this because I’ve worked alongside them, gone bowling with them, watch them pass me over for promotions time and again.

And remember not to act afraid. Animals can smell fear. And they don’t like it.

Always remember that you’re representing your country. I guess what I’m saying is, don’t mess up France the way you messed up your room.

Oh, my god, Marge. A penalty shot, with only four seconds left. It’s your child versus mine! The winner will be showered with praise, the loser will be taunted and booed until my throat is sore.

Look, Marge, I’m sorry I haven’t been a better husband, I’m sorry about the time I tried to make gravy in the bathtub, I’m sorry I used your wedding dress to wax the car, and I’m sorry – oh well, let’s just say I’m sorry for the whole marriage up to this point.

Bart : Dad, you killed the zombie Flanders!
Homer : He was a zombie?

Homer : Hello, my name is Mr Burns, you have a letter for me.
Postoffice : Okay. What's your first name, Mr Burns?
Homer : I ... Uh ... Don't know ...

Bart : "Dad, Lieutenant Smash has gone crazy!"
Homer : Yep, that's the look! he he he

Oh my god, this man's my exact double! And that dog has a puffy tail. Hee hee hee. Here puff! Here puff!

Marge, quick, how many kids do we have have? No time, I'll just estimate. 9!

Homer : "No beer and no TV make Homer something something
Marge : Go crazy?
Homer : Don't mind if I do.

Look at 'em. Watchin' my TV. Sittin on my couch. You better not be in my ass groove!

Oh, used grease is worth money eh? Then my arteries are filled with liquid gold!

I'm normally not a praying man, but if you're up there, please save me Superman!

Lisa : Dad! You can't just leave us by ourselves, we need a babysitter!
Homer : Lisa, haven't you seen Home Alone? If some burglars come it'll be a hilarious situation ...

Stupid T.V. Be more funny."

Homer : Now, what do you have to wash that awful taste out of my mouth?
Vendor : We have crab juice and Mountain Dew.
Homer : Eeewww. I'll have the crab juice!

We're goin to Moe's. If we're not back, avenge our deaths.

I'm not outta control! You're outta control! The whole freakin' system's outta control! You want the truth? You can't handle the truth! 'Cause when you reach over and stick your hand into a pile of goo that was your best friend's face! You'll know what to do - forget it Marge - it's China Town!

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Most famous Homer Simpson Quotes on beer, love, marriage, donuts, alcohol and work.

Operator! Give me the number for 911!

Oh, so they have internet on computers now!

Bart, with $10,000, we'd be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like...love!

Just because I don't care doesn't mean I don't understand.

I'm normally not a praying man, but if you're up there, please save me Superman.

Son, if you really want something in this life, you have to work for it. Now quiet! They're about to announce the lottery numbers.

Well, it's 1 a.m. Better go home and spend some quality time with the kids.

Maybe, just once, someone will call me 'Sir' without adding, 'You're making a scene.'

Marge, don't discourage the boy! Weaseling out of things is important to learn. It's what separates us from the animals! Except the weasel.

Donuts. Is there anything they can't do?

You know, boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like a woman. You just have to read the manual and press the right buttons.

Lisa, if you don't like your job you don't strike. You just go in every day and do it really half-assed. That's the American way.

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'Single and Sassy' - Homer's bumper sticker.

Internet! Is that thing still around?

Ah, beer, my one weakness. My Achille's heel, if you will.

Okay, whatever to take my mind off my life.

I voted for Prell to go back to the old glass bottle. Then I became deeply cynical. ( about voting )

To find Flanders, I have to think like Flanders.

Rock stars ... is there anything they don't know?

Well, maybe if he had had better arch support, they wouldn't have caught 'im. ( about Jesus wearing sandals ).

Ah, the college roadtrip. What better way to spread beer-fueled mayhem?

All right, brain. You don't like me and I don't like you, but let's just do this and I can get back to killing you with beer.

All right, let's not panic. I'll make the money by selling one of my livers. I can get by with one.

America's health care system is second only to Japan ... Canada, Sweden, Great Britain ... well, all of Europe. But you can thank your lucky stars we don't live in Paraguay!

If there's one thing I've learned, it's that life is one crushing defeat after another until you just wish Flanders was dead.

Dear Lord, the gods have been good to me. As an offering, I present these milk and cookies. If you wish me to eat them instead, please give me no sign whatsoever ... thy will be done. (munch munch munch)

The girls of the internet. Ooh, I'd go online with them anyday! ( Looking at a "nudie deck" )

If he is so smart, how come he is dead?

This kid's a wonder!. He organized all the law suits against me into one class action suit.

I have to work overtime at work instead of spending time with my wife and kids, which is what I want.

Aaw! it's so hard to get to 500 words ( Homer, the food critic ).

The food was not undelicious.

I'll tell people what to think. Now you tell me what to think.

I hope you cut me better than you cut these string beans.

And how is education supposed to make me feel smarter? Besides, every time I learn something new, it pushes some old stuff out of my brain. Remember when I took that home winemaking course, and I forgot how to drive?

Aw, Dad, you've done a lot of great things, but you're a very old man, and old people are useless.

If something goes wrong at the plant, blame the guy who can't speak English.

Lord, I know I shouldn't eat Thee, but ... (munch munch munch) mmm ... sacrelicious.

Awww, 20 dollars?!? I wanted a peanut.

I don't apologize. I am sorry Lisa, that's the way I am.

If it doesn't have siamese twins in a jar, it is not a fair.

WHO IS FONZY!?! Don't they teach you anything at school?

It's twice the work of a deadbeat dad. ( about spending a saturday with kids ).

God cannot be EVERYWHERE, right? ( Homer as Adam in a dream ).

Screw that squeaky stuff. I want some hard antacid for my kid.

What's keeping Joan Rivers alive?

Ooh! sensory depravation kicks ass!

Oh! look at that car burn! Does it get any better than this?

Bart, a woman is like beer. They look good, they smell good, and you'd step over your own mother just to get one!

Bart, you're saying butt-kisser like it's a bad thing!

Beer. Now there's a temporary solution.

Marge, can we go home? All this fresh air is making my hair move and I don't know how long I can complain.

Black, marbelized with a liquid center. The Stealth Bowler. The pins don't know what hit 'em.

Dear Homer, IOU one emergency donut. Signed Homer. Bastard! He's always one step ahead.

To be loved, you have to be nice to others EVERYDAY!. To be hated, you don't have to do squat. ( advice to Mr.Burns ).

Do I know what rhetorical means?

Do you want to change your name to Homer, Jr.?
The kids can call you Hoju!

Does whisky count as beer?

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