Amusing Stuff...

[joker]

[c303a]

The Budweiser Drunk,

A woman goes to the doctor all black and blue ...

Doctor: "What happened?"

Woman: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every time my husband comes home drunk on Budweiser he beats me to a pulp."

Doctor: "I have a real good remedy for that. When your husband comes home drunk on Budweiser, just take a glass of sweet tea and start swishing it in your mouth but don't swallow. Just keep swishing and swishing and swishing until he goes to bed in his Budweiser stupor."

Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.

Woman: "Doctor, that was a brilliant idea. Every time my husband came home drunk on Budweiser, I swished with sweet tea. I swished and swished and he didn't touch me!"

Doctor: "You see how much keeping your mouth shut helps?"

[Duke of Buckingham]

I like it a lot.

Duke

[c303a]

Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of tampons and proceeded to the checkout counter.

The man at the counter asked the older boy, "Son, how old are you?"
"Eight," the boy replied.
The man continued, "do you know what these are used for?"
The boy replied, "not exactly, but they aren't for me. They're for him. He's my brother. He's four. We saw on TV that if you use these you would be able to swim and ride a bike. Right now, he can't do either."

[c303a]

A teenage granddaughter comes downstairs for her date with this see-through blouse on and no bra.
Her grandmother just pitched a fit, telling her not to dare go out like that!
The teenager tells her 'Loosen up Grams. These are modern times. You gotta let your rose buds show!' And out she goes.
The next day the teenager comes down stairs,
And the grandmother is sitting there with no top on.
The teenager wants to die.
She explains to her grandmother that she has friends coming over And that it is just not appropriate...
The grandmother says, 'Loosen up, Sweetie. If you can show off your rose buds, Then I can display my hanging baskets.

Happy Gardening.

Don't mess with a Senior Citizen!

[c303a]

The History of the Internet


In ancient Israel , it came to pass that a trader by the name of Abraham Com did take unto himself a young wife by the name of Dot. And Dot Com was a comely woman, broad of shoulder and long of leg.. Indeed, she was often called Amazon Dot Com.

And she said unto Abraham , her husband, "Why dost thou travel so far from town to town with thy goods when thou canst trade without ever leaving thy tent?"

And Abraham did look at her as though she were several saddle bags short of a camel load, but simply said, "How, dear?"

And Dot replied, "I will place drums in all the towns and drums in between to send messages saying what you have for sale, and they will reply telling you who hath the best price. And the sale can be made on the drums and delivery made by Uriah's Pony Stable (UPS)."

Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the drums. And the drums rang out and were an immediate success. Abraham sold all the goods he had at the top price, without ever having to move from his tent.




To prevent neighboring countries from overhearing what the drums were saying, Dot devised a system that only she and the drummers knew. It was known as Must Send Drum Over Sound (MSDOS), and she also developed a language to transmit ideas and pictures - Hebrew To The People (HTTP).

And the young men did take to Dot Com's trading as doth the greedy horsefly take to camel dung. They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican Sybarites, or NERDS.

And lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the deafening sound of drums that no one noticed that the real riches were going to that enterprising drum dealer, Brother William of Gates, who bought off every drum maker in the land. And indeed did insist on drums to be made that would work only with Brother Gates ' drumheads and drumsticks.

And Dot did say, "Oh, Abraham , what we have started is being taken over by others."

And Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel , or eBay as it came to be known. He said, "We need a name that reflects what we are."

And Dot replied, "Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators." "YAHOO," said Abraham. And because it was Dot's idea, they named it YAHOO Dot Com.

Abraham's cousin, Joshua , being the young Gregarious Energetic Educated Kid (GEEK) that he was, soon started using Dot's drums to locate things around the countryside. It soon became known as God's Own Official Guide to Locating Everything (GOOGLE).


That is how it all began. And that's the truth.

[Duke of Buckingham]

Yes that happens a lot to me the other day I went to an analyst complaining about delusions of grandeur. When the therapist led me to the divan, he begins the dialog: – Relax and begin by the first beginning … – Good, doctor, in the beginning I did the Sky and the Land …

I dont understand why I am closed in an institution since then.

Duke

[STMahlberg]

In reference to why men can sleep with lots a women and it's fine, but women can't sleep with lots of men or else they're whores. "If a key opens a lot of locks, it's a master key. But if a lock is opened by a lot of different keys, it's just a crappy lock."

[Crazybob]

In reference to why men can sleep with lots a women and it's fine, but women can't sleep with lots of men or else they're whores. "If a key opens a lot of locks, it's a master key. But if a lock is opened by a lot of different keys, it's just a crappy lock."

I'm going to remember that one. You never know when your going to want to start a fight and this is as good a jumping off spot as any!

[STMahlberg]

I'm going to remember that one. You never know when your going to want to start a fight and this is as good a jumping off spot as any!

LOL That will do it for you.