I disagree. If the person reading the message doesn't get the sarcasm, then the sarcasm was probably meant for him and that makes it even better just the way it is! You just can't fix stupid, font or no font.:pQuote:
Originally Posted by krazy k
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I disagree. If the person reading the message doesn't get the sarcasm, then the sarcasm was probably meant for him and that makes it even better just the way it is! You just can't fix stupid, font or no font.:pQuote:
Originally Posted by krazy k
Really? You could have used it right here and it would be perfect.Quote:
Originally Posted by Slicker
A Baptist preacher was seated next to a cowboy on a flight to Texas . After the plane took off, the cowboy asked for a whiskey and soda, which was brought and placed before him.
The flight attendant then asked the preacher if he would like a drink.
Appalled, the preacher replied, "I'd rather be tied up and taken advantage of by women of ill-repute than let liquor touch my lips."
The cowboy then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "Me too, I didn't know we had a choice."
If you ever detect something from me that's not sarcasm, call 911. I may be flat-lining.Quote:
Originally Posted by Slicker
Quote:
Originally Posted by trigggl
WAAAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHHA!!!Quote:
Originally Posted by trigggl
A guy walked into the local welfare office to pick up his check. He marched straight up to the counter and said, "Hi. You know, I just HATE Drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job."
The social worker behind the counter said, "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a Chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter. You'll have to drive around in his 2010 Mercedes-Benz CL, and he will supply all of your clothes."
"Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll also be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips this is rather awkward to say, but you will also have, as part of your job assignment, to satisfy her sexual urges as the daughter is in her mid-20's and has a rather strong sex drive."
The guy, just plain wide-eyed, said, "You're bullshittin' me!"
The social worker said, "Yeah, well ... You started it."
A fifteen year old Amish boy and his father were in a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.
The boy asked, 'What is this Father?'
The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, 'Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is.'
While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened, and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number… and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order. Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blond stepped out.
The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son.....
'Go get your Mother'
Men’s Age as Determined by a Trip to Home Depot
You are in the middle of some kind of project around the house-mowing the lawn, putting in a new fence, painting the living room, or whatever. You are hot and sweaty, covered in dirt or paint. You have your old work clothes on. You know the outfit - shorts with the hole in the crotch, old T-shirt with a stain from who knows what, and an old pair of tennis shoes.
Right in the middle of this great home improvement project you realize you need to run to Home Depot to get something to help complete the job.
Depending on your age you might do the following:
________________________________________
In your 20's:
Stop what you are doing. Shave, take a shower, blow dry your hair, brush your teeth, floss, and put on clean clothes. Check yourself in the mirror and flex. Add a dab of your favorite cologne because you never know, you just might meet some hot chick while standing in the checkout lane. And you went to school with the pretty girl running the register.
________________________________________
In your 30's:
Stop what you are doing, put on clean shorts and shirt. Change shoes. You married the hot chick so no need for much else. Wash your hands and comb your hair. Check yourself in the mirror. Still got it. Add a shot of your favorite cologne to cover the smell. The cute girl running the register is the kid sister to someone you went to school with.
________________________________________
In your 40's:
Stop what you are doing. Put on a sweatshirt that is long enough to cover the hole in the crotch of your shorts. Put on different shoes and a hat. Wash your hands. Your bottle of Brute Cologne is almost empty so you don't want to waste any of it on a trip to Home Depot. Check yourself in the mirror and do more sucking in than flexing. The spicy young thing running the register is your daughter's age and you feel weird thinking she is spicy.
________________________________________
In your 50's:
Stop what you are doing. Put a hat on, wipe the dirt off your hands onto your shirt. Change shoes because you don't want to get dog doo-doo in your new sports car. Check yourself in the mirror and you swear not to wear that shirt anymore because it makes you look fat. The Cutie running the register smiles when she sees you coming and you think you still have it. Then you remember the hat you have on is from Buddy's Bait & Beer Bar and it says, 'I Got Worms '.
________________________________________
In your 60's:
Stop what you are doing. No need for a hat anymore. Hose the dog doo-doo off your shoes. The mirror was shattered when you were in your 50's. You hope you have underwear on so nothing hangs out the hole in your pants. The girl running the register may be cute, but you don't have your glasses on so you are not sure.
________________________________________
In your 70's:
Stop what you are doing. Wait to go to Home Depot until the drug store has your prescriptions ready, too. Don't even notice the dog doo-doo on your shoes. The young thing at the register smiles at you because you remind her of her grandfather.
________________________________________
In your 80's:
Stop what you are doing. Start again. Then stop again. Now you remember you needed to go to Home Depot. Go to Wal-Mart instead and wander around trying to think what it is you are looking for. Fart out loud and you think someone called out your name. You went to school with the old lady who greeted you at the front door.
________________________________________
In your 90's & beyond:
What's a home deep hoe? Something for my garden? Where am I? Who am I? Why am I reading this? Did I send it? Did you? Who farted?
The Man Rules
At last a guy has taken the time to write this all
down.
We always hear "The Rules" from the female side.
Now here are the rules from the male side
These are our rules!
Please note... they are all numbered '1' ON
PURPOSE!
1. Men are NOT mind readers.
1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're
a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up,
you need it down. You don't hear us complaining
about you leaving it down.
1. Sunday sports It's like the full moon or the
changing of the tides. Let it be.
1. Crying is blackmail, and witchcraft.
1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this
one! Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints
do not work! Just say it!
1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers
to almost every question.
1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help
solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are
for.
1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible
in an argument. In fact, all comments become Null
and void after 7 Days.
1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't
ask us.
1. If something we said can be interpreted two
ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we
meant the other one.
1. You can either ask us to do something OR tell us
how you want it done. Not both. If you already know
how to do it best, just do it yourself
1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you
have to say during commercials.
1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and
neither do we.
1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows
default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit,
not A color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. ; We have NO idea what mauve is.
1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.
1. If we ask what is wrong and you say 'nothing,'
We will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are
lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer
to, Expect an answer you don't want to hear.
1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless
you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball
or golf.
1. You have enough clothes.
1. You have too many shoes.
1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!
1. Thank you for reading this. Yes, I know I have
to sleep on the couch tonight; But did you know men really don't mind
that? It's like camping.
Pass this to as many men as you can - to give them
a laugh and to as many women as you can - to give them a bigger laugh